Twenty one months!

Dear Lucy and Carter,

Yesterday marked twenty one months of your presence in this world of ours! I can't believe how quickly the changes are coming now. Next Monday, you'll start full-time at the child development center, Busy Little Bees. This is going to be a hard transition for me because I've gotten so used to spending most of my minutes and hours during the day with you - filling up sippy cups, dancing, helping you up and down the stairs a billion times. And, although I'm happy to get back to my work, I'm going to miss not knowing about most of the details of your daily lives. This time has been both exhausting and precious to me. Mainly because each day that goes by with you in my life makes me love you more passionately. Sometimes, it almost seems as though my heart might literally explode from stretching so much. But that's your over-dramatic Mama for you. I realize now that the process of "letting go" started the day you were born. Each day I see you becoming your own people and am already in awe of your independence and personality.

You are both running more often than you walk now. And, if the nighttime routine is anything to go by, you both have a lot to say to each other (chatter, sing, animal noises, yelling MAMA - repeat). Ring-around-the Rosie is your new favorite game (Carter, you always want to "plop" before it's time to "fall down"). Both of you smile when I sing "Row, row, row your boat" and the Alphabet Song (Lucy, I love it when you demand, out the blue, the "ABCs, ABCs" from the back seat of the car). Both of you remain absolutely fascinated by the 45,608 trains that go by our house each day (OK, maybe not that many) and will automatically run to the front door and press your faces against the glass and STAY THERE until the train goes "bye, bye"! There is nothing better for you both than when I get your shoes off of the windowsill (which is our current shoe rack) and make the move to go "ow-side."

Lucy, your requests for hugs and the little pats on the back that you give when I immediately comply with your requests nearly undo me. Such a sweet, sweet girl. But, if either Carter or I make a move to hug you without your permission, it is not a good scene! You have a very developed sense of personal space and affection is yours to give and receive, only when you are in the mood.

Your verbal skills continue to dazzle me. Most of your sentences at this point are imperative or declarative! "I eat it," "READ IT" (this is said in all caps), and "I wan' some" are some of the most frequently heard comments. But, you'll often say the names of things that I really didn't think you could possibly know (umbrella, kangaroo, fireplace, tunnel). You don't share your communication skills very often with strangers, however. When faced with an unfamiliar person or place, you don't cling to me, but you definitely stand off to the side and size the situation up. A person has to earn your smiles, for sure. And, a person would do well to avoid your wrath! Girl, you can get WORKED UP when you don't get what you want. There's a lot of intensity there - wonder where that comes from?

Some of your favorite things this month are GRANDMA!, blueberries, the beach (or "beassshh" as you put it), jumping (new skill!), swinging in the side yard, and reading "The Little Red Caboose."

Carter, my sweet boy, you are the most affectionate and emotionally sensitive 21 month old that I've ever known (OK, I haven't known that many, but I'm fairly sure that you are in the sweetness hall of fame). You are easily upset, but you get over it soooo quickly. And, I never have to ask twice for a hug or kiss from you - nor does anyone else! You've recently discovered the joys of piggy back riding and I play the horse several times a day. I adore the little sideways run/jog that you do when you are excited. It's like you don't want to lose eye contact with me, even if you are heading somewhere else. You love driving cars and trucks and playing with your monkey and Elmo dolls. You also love wearing Lucy's hair bows! I think you look quite handsome since your haircut a week ago.

You are enjoying saying your favorite words and talking about your favorite things ("Moon" of "Goodnight Moon" fame is the current favorite). You know your colors and will always yell out "THREE" after I count 1, 2! You are also becoming good with bringing Mama things that she needs and helping put away your toys. Sometimes, however, you get a little excited at meal time and like to dump out your dinner! When we are outside, you always have a stick or a rock in your hand. You are the one who cries when I leave you at daycare, but I have it on good authority that you are all sunshine and smiles about 3 minutes after I leave (thanks for the guilt, my boy! :)).

Some of your favorite things this month are GRANDMA!, airplane blocks from the Wright Brothers Memorial, the MOON!!!, seeing the garage door go up and down, and reading "Barnyard Dance"!

I can't wait to see what next month brings for my two loves! Let's take a deep breath (you like to do this, too - Mama may have been teaching you some yoga moves :)!) and jump ahead.

Love,

Mama

Photo Journal of 39th Birthday!

Words will come tomorrow!!

Water time!

Arrgggghhhh!!!

Ahem. Well, blogworld. It's been a while. Here's the deal. I've almost given up on blogging. After consulting a few savvy, creative, honest friends about this blogging thing, we all unamimously decided that the blog that I've created doesn't really reflect who I am and makes me weirdly self-conscious and supremely STILTED in my posts. Fun for everyone, right? The question became: Why am I blogging? Creative outlet, keeping people up to date about Lucy and Carter, making cyber-connections with others? I think I was trying to do it all and achieving none of it. Hmm. Does this sound like me? Biting off more than I can chew? Can we say "400 days until 40"? Did I really think I was going to tick off twelve freakin' things a day for 400 days? Uh, NO! Le Sigh.

So, I decided to give up the blogging. And, enjoy my time-wasting Facebook/HGTV/staring-at-the-wall-with-a-glazed-over-look, post-toddler bedtime evenings. And, then I noticed that blogger.com has new templates and I thought, oh hell, let's just try it again. Because at least it will look pretty. (Keep in mind that I actually decided to apply for graduate school in Michigan because I liked the name Ann Arbor for the "pretty" factor - luckily, it also happens to have a good music school - ha!). And, really, that's all that really matters, right? Looking pretty? Right?

So, I'm not going to promise anything. And, if you are my friend, and you are reading these posts and I start going all "look at my fascinating life," navel-gazing, and AWKWARD, just leave a note saying - "What the hell are you doing, Lisa?"

Instead of 400 days of spiritual growth, etc., as promised in earlier post, I am going to go with 365 days (tomorrow is my birthday, after all) of reality blogging. Or, maybe 12 days. Or, once a month. Or, biweekly. Whatever.

And, rather than twelve steps of improvement each day, I'm just going to try and do one unspecified happy and healthy thing for myself each day. ONE. That's it. Unspecified. Got it?

All right. Thanks for hearing me out. I'll be back. Or not.

L.

It's not you, it's me...

Dear blog,

Well, you might have noticed that I've been avoiding you lately. I've seen you in passing in the hallways and told you that I'd call after I'm done with the laundry and the toddler wrangling. And, there was that uncomfortable moment when you caught me with Facebook just hanging out with nothing to do. I'm just going through a lot these days and haven't been able to must up energy to keep up my end of the conversation. So, you see, it's really not you - it's me! I promise to get better about recognizing that you have needs and interests, too. Please be patient!

Sheepishly,

Lisa

Fun in the Sun!

Is there any question about the cuteness factor with these two? Seriously. People are slowing down as they drive by our house. They are being followed by paparazzi. It's insane.

On to other items...Tomorrow's the big day when I start my 400 day plan. I'm getting my spreadsheet ready. Of course, destiny tries to thwart me by planning an 8:30-5pm workshop (on teaching the common first year course next fall). Hmm. Well, I'm still going to do this thing. Yoga, practice, doing something new, etc.!!! I'm determined!

And, apparently, yesterday was Tina Fey's 40th birthday. All I have to say is that if 40 looks like that, I'll have some. She's got it going on. Although....have you noticed how she's always playing these really smart but socially awkward and, supposedly, not that attractive characters? Are you kidding me? Yeah, if I looked like her, I'd be really disappointed. Oh well, I can ignore that and enjoy all of her brilliant, brilliant one-liners ("Come on, Bible - Help a lady out!").

I read a little blurb today about a new and humorous book on working motherhood. It said that when you see that your "plate is full," just don't look at it. Ignore it. The minute you start focusing on it, it will tip over and fall. Yeah. I get that. I mean how about trying single motherhood and a new job full of lots and lots of work! I should just throw up my hands and run for public office, right? Or maybe join another organization and become its President? How about it? (Insert slightly hysterical laughter here!)

Amidst all the anxiety and craziness, I also have a pretty deep abiding sense of how lucky I am. My glass is definitely totally full. I have dear, dear babies. And I have such possibility ahead of me.

Will begin updating on "The Plan" tomorrow (I promise not to give a spreadsheet update every day)!!!

Four hundred days 'til 40!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life goals during this sabbatical. In so many ways, my life is exactly where I want it - a great career with challenges and satisfactions, wonderful friends, two amazing children, artistic outlets, a beautiful home in the mountains. But, as usual, there has to be forward movement and examination for me to really feel like I'm living completely. It's the divine dissatisfaction that Martha Graham talks about all artists feeling.

I'm not going to lie. It took an incredible amount of emotional, intellectual, physical, and psychological energy for me to make and implement the decision to have children on my own. And, the actual work of having and caring for these children is a full-time job. It's easy to be consumed by it. However, at this point it is not enough for me to care for my children. I'd like to be a role-model by living a healthy and happy life. This involves a focus on my own well-being.

On May 20, I will start a countdown toward my 40th birthday - 400 days. I would like to feel as though I am in a profound state of well-being by that date. I could say that I want to lose around 75 lbs. And I do. I could say that I'd love find and cultivate a relationship with a life partner. And I would. I could say that I'd love to feel productive and satisfied in my job every day. And I would. I could say that I want to actively do more to make the world a better place for my children. And, I do. But, I suspect that these things may or may not happen in 400 days. And, if life has taught me anything so far, it's that what you expect or desire may not be the thing that will bring you happiness in the long run. I mean, who would think that I would decide to start a family on my own in my late 30's, or that I'd become an administrator (as well as a teacher) at a college just like my father. I really didn't plan for that when I was in my twenties. But, here I am and how glad I am to be here.

I've been thinking about my Dad lately. Every once in a while, his loss hits me in unexpected ways. Especially this spring, when I think about how much he loved to be outside (in a boat on a quiet lake) at this time of year. I think that he really lived his life on his own terms. That's not easy to do in this world of ours. But, it is what I want in my own life. A sense that each day is sufficient to my happiness.

So, I propose a little project for the 400 days following May 20, 2010. I made a list of twelve things that make me have a feeling of profound wellness. It is my idea that if I try to include these items in my life each day, I will end up really living and focusing on my own well-being, despite the distractions and stressors that will inevitably creep up on me. The idea is that I don't have a particular time limit on any activity - each one could take up from 30 seconds to 4 hours or beyond. And, maybe some days, I'll fit in five in the last 30 minutes before bed! And, maybe some days, I just won't be able to feel like I can do all of them. But, the trying! That's what I'm talking about!! And, the keeping track. Writing it down. Maybe on this blog!

So, if I have made a point of asking you to read this blog entry, or if you are a cyberfriend whom I do not know who comes across these words, your job is to ask me how things are going, continue reading my blog, or just know that I think you are essential to my journey towards 40 and beyond!!! We are so connected in so many ways. And - join me on June 24, 2011 to celebrate my best birthday yet! Everyone's invited.

Here are my 12 daily items (in no particular order):

1) Yoga
2) Practice piano
3) Play with kids
4) Exercise/Move my body
5) Deep Breathing/Meditation
6) Savor the food that I put in my body (keep a food journal)
7) Connect with nature
8) Tend to friends/family
9) Do something for someone else
10) Do something new
11) Read for pleasure
12) Write down one thing for which I am grateful

Because I am who I am, I will actually be keeping a spreadsheet on these items and will, in fact, check them off (or not) each day. My feeling is that these things will eventually become habits of mind and spirit.

So, watch out for future blog entries! I'll be gently starting to initiate the process during this next month before I do it in earnest....