Two Part Invention

Twenty one months!

2010-08-11T17:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Lucy and Carter,

Yesterday marked twenty one months of your presence in this world of ours! I can't believe how quickly the changes are coming now. Next Monday, you'll start full-time at the child development center, Busy Little Bees. This is going to be a hard transition for me because I've gotten so used to spending most of my minutes and hours during the day with you - filling up sippy cups, dancing, helping you up and down the stairs a billion times. And, although I'm happy to get back to my work, I'm going to miss not knowing about most of the details of your daily lives. This time has been both exhausting and precious to me. Mainly because each day that goes by with you in my life makes me love you more passionately. Sometimes, it almost seems as though my heart might literally explode from stretching so much. But that's your over-dramatic Mama for you. I realize now that the process of "letting go" started the day you were born. Each day I see you becoming your own people and am already in awe of your independence and personality.

You are both running more often than you walk now. And, if the nighttime routine is anything to go by, you both have a lot to say to each other (chatter, sing, animal noises, yelling MAMA - repeat). Ring-around-the Rosie is your new favorite game (Carter, you always want to "plop" before it's time to "fall down"). Both of you smile when I sing "Row, row, row your boat" and the Alphabet Song (Lucy, I love it when you demand, out the blue, the "ABCs, ABCs" from the back seat of the car). Both of you remain absolutely fascinated by the 45,608 trains that go by our house each day (OK, maybe not that many) and will automatically run to the front door and press your faces against the glass and STAY THERE until the train goes "bye, bye"! There is nothing better for you both than when I get your shoes off of the windowsill (which is our current shoe rack) and make the move to go "ow-side."

Lucy, your requests for hugs and the little pats on the back that you give when I immediately comply with your requests nearly undo me. Such a sweet, sweet girl. But, if either Carter or I make a move to hug you without your permission, it is not a good scene! You have a very developed sense of personal space and affection is yours to give and receive, only when you are in the mood.

Your verbal skills continue to dazzle me. Most of your sentences at this point are imperative or declarative! "I eat it," "READ IT" (this is said in all caps), and "I wan' some" are some of the most frequently heard comments. But, you'll often say the names of things that I really didn't think you could possibly know (umbrella, kangaroo, fireplace, tunnel). You don't share your communication skills very often with strangers, however. When faced with an unfamiliar person or place, you don't cling to me, but you definitely stand off to the side and size the situation up. A person has to earn your smiles, for sure. And, a person would do well to avoid your wrath! Girl, you can get WORKED UP when you don't get what you want. There's a lot of intensity there - wonder where that comes from?

Some of your favorite things this month are GRANDMA!, blueberries, the beach (or "beassshh" as you put it), jumping (new skill!), swinging in the side yard, and reading "The Little Red Caboose."

Carter, my sweet boy, you are the most affectionate and emotionally sensitive 21 month old that I've ever known (OK, I haven't known that many, but I'm fairly sure that you are in the sweetness hall of fame). You are easily upset, but you get over it soooo quickly. And, I never have to ask twice for a hug or kiss from you - nor does anyone else! You've recently discovered the joys of piggy back riding and I play the horse several times a day. I adore the little sideways run/jog that you do when you are excited. It's like you don't want to lose eye contact with me, even if you are heading somewhere else. You love driving cars and trucks and playing with your monkey and Elmo dolls. You also love wearing Lucy's hair bows! I think you look quite handsome since your haircut a week ago.

You are enjoying saying your favorite words and talking about your favorite things ("Moon" of "Goodnight Moon" fame is the current favorite). You know your colors and will always yell out "THREE" after I count 1, 2! You are also becoming good with bringing Mama things that she needs and helping put away your toys. Sometimes, however, you get a little excited at meal time and like to dump out your dinner! When we are outside, you always have a stick or a rock in your hand. You are the one who cries when I leave you at daycare, but I have it on good authority that you are all sunshine and smiles about 3 minutes after I leave (thanks for the guilt, my boy! :)).

Some of your favorite things this month are GRANDMA!, airplane blocks from the Wright Brothers Memorial, the MOON!!!, seeing the garage door go up and down, and reading "Barnyard Dance"!

I can't wait to see what next month brings for my two loves! Let's take a deep breath (you like to do this, too - Mama may have been teaching you some yoga moves :)!) and jump ahead.

Love,

Mama

Photo Journal of 39th Birthday!

2010-06-24T19:14:00.001-07:00

Words will come tomorrow!!

Water time!

2010-06-23T17:18:00.001-07:00

Arrgggghhhh!!!

2010-06-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

Ahem. Well, blogworld. It's been a while. Here's the deal. I've almost given up on blogging. After consulting a few savvy, creative, honest friends about this blogging thing, we all unamimously decided that the blog that I've created doesn't really reflect who I am and makes me weirdly self-conscious and supremely STILTED in my posts. Fun for everyone, right? The question became: Why am I blogging? Creative outlet, keeping people up to date about Lucy and Carter, making cyber-connections with others? I think I was trying to do it all and achieving none of it. Hmm. Does this sound like me? Biting off more than I can chew? Can we say "400 days until 40"? Did I really think I was going to tick off twelve freakin' things a day for 400 days? Uh, NO! Le Sigh.

So, I decided to give up the blogging. And, enjoy my time-wasting Facebook/HGTV/staring-at-the-wall-with-a-glazed-over-look, post-toddler bedtime evenings. And, then I noticed that blogger.com has new templates and I thought, oh hell, let's just try it again. Because at least it will look pretty. (Keep in mind that I actually decided to apply for graduate school in Michigan because I liked the name Ann Arbor for the "pretty" factor - luckily, it also happens to have a good music school - ha!). And, really, that's all that really matters, right? Looking pretty? Right?

So, I'm not going to promise anything. And, if you are my friend, and you are reading these posts and I start going all "look at my fascinating life," navel-gazing, and AWKWARD, just leave a note saying - "What the hell are you doing, Lisa?"

Instead of 400 days of spiritual growth, etc., as promised in earlier post, I am going to go with 365 days (tomorrow is my birthday, after all) of reality blogging. Or, maybe 12 days. Or, once a month. Or, biweekly. Whatever.

And, rather than twelve steps of improvement each day, I'm just going to try and do one unspecified happy and healthy thing for myself each day. ONE. That's it. Unspecified. Got it?

All right. Thanks for hearing me out. I'll be back. Or not.

L.

It's not you, it's me...

2010-06-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Well, you might have noticed that I've been avoiding you lately. I've seen you in passing in the hallways and told you that I'd call after I'm done with the laundry and the toddler wrangling. And, there was that uncomfortable moment when you caught me with Facebook just hanging out with nothing to do. I'm just going through a lot these days and haven't been able to must up energy to keep up my end of the conversation. So, you see, it's really not you - it's me! I promise to get better about recognizing that you have needs and interests, too. Please be patient!

Sheepishly,

Lisa

Fun in the Sun!

2010-05-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

Is there any question about the cuteness factor with these two? Seriously. People are slowing down as they drive by our house. They are being followed by paparazzi. It's insane.

On to other items...Tomorrow's the big day when I start my 400 day plan. I'm getting my spreadsheet ready. Of course, destiny tries to thwart me by planning an 8:30-5pm workshop (on teaching the common first year course next fall). Hmm. Well, I'm still going to do this thing. Yoga, practice, doing something new, etc.!!! I'm determined!

And, apparently, yesterday was Tina Fey's 40th birthday. All I have to say is that if 40 looks like that, I'll have some. She's got it going on. Although....have you noticed how she's always playing these really smart but socially awkward and, supposedly, not that attractive characters? Are you kidding me? Yeah, if I looked like her, I'd be really disappointed. Oh well, I can ignore that and enjoy all of her brilliant, brilliant one-liners ("Come on, Bible - Help a lady out!").

I read a little blurb today about a new and humorous book on working motherhood. It said that when you see that your "plate is full," just don't look at it. Ignore it. The minute you start focusing on it, it will tip over and fall. Yeah. I get that. I mean how about trying single motherhood and a new job full of lots and lots of work! I should just throw up my hands and run for public office, right? Or maybe join another organization and become its President? How about it? (Insert slightly hysterical laughter here!)

Amidst all the anxiety and craziness, I also have a pretty deep abiding sense of how lucky I am. My glass is definitely totally full. I have dear, dear babies. And I have such possibility ahead of me.

Will begin updating on "The Plan" tomorrow (I promise not to give a spreadsheet update every day)!!!

Four hundred days 'til 40!

2010-04-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life goals during this sabbatical. In so many ways, my life is exactly where I want it - a great career with challenges and satisfactions, wonderful friends, two amazing children, artistic outlets, a beautiful home in the mountains. But, as usual, there has to be forward movement and examination for me to really feel like I'm living completely. It's the divine dissatisfaction that Martha Graham talks about all artists feeling.

I'm not going to lie. It took an incredible amount of emotional, intellectual, physical, and psychological energy for me to make and implement the decision to have children on my own. And, the actual work of having and caring for these children is a full-time job. It's easy to be consumed by it. However, at this point it is not enough for me to care for my children. I'd like to be a role-model by living a healthy and happy life. This involves a focus on my own well-being.

On May 20, I will start a countdown toward my 40th birthday - 400 days. I would like to feel as though I am in a profound state of well-being by that date. I could say that I want to lose around 75 lbs. And I do. I could say that I'd love find and cultivate a relationship with a life partner. And I would. I could say that I'd love to feel productive and satisfied in my job every day. And I would. I could say that I want to actively do more to make the world a better place for my children. And, I do. But, I suspect that these things may or may not happen in 400 days. And, if life has taught me anything so far, it's that what you expect or desire may not be the thing that will bring you happiness in the long run. I mean, who would think that I would decide to start a family on my own in my late 30's, or that I'd become an administrator (as well as a teacher) at a college just like my father. I really didn't plan for that when I was in my twenties. But, here I am and how glad I am to be here.

I've been thinking about my Dad lately. Every once in a while, his loss hits me in unexpected ways. Especially this spring, when I think about how much he loved to be outside (in a boat on a quiet lake) at this time of year. I think that he really lived his life on his own terms. That's not easy to do in this world of ours. But, it is what I want in my own life. A sense that each day is sufficient to my happiness.

So, I propose a little project for the 400 days following May 20, 2010. I made a list of twelve things that make me have a feeling of profound wellness. It is my idea that if I try to include these items in my life each day, I will end up really living and focusing on my own well-being, despite the distractions and stressors that will inevitably creep up on me. The idea is that I don't have a particular time limit on any activity - each one could take up from 30 seconds to 4 hours or beyond. And, maybe some days, I'll fit in five in the last 30 minutes before bed! And, maybe some days, I just won't be able to feel like I can do all of them. But, the trying! That's what I'm talking about!! And, the keeping track. Writing it down. Maybe on this blog!

So, if I have made a point of asking you to read this blog entry, or if you are a cyberfriend whom I do not know who comes across these words, your job is to ask me how things are going, continue reading my blog, or just know that I think you are essential to my journey towards 40 and beyond!!! We are so connected in so many ways. And - join me on June 24, 2011 to celebrate my best birthday yet! Everyone's invited.

Here are my 12 daily items (in no particular order):

1) Yoga
2) Practice piano
3) Play with kids
4) Exercise/Move my body
5) Deep Breathing/Meditation
6) Savor the food that I put in my body (keep a food journal)
7) Connect with nature
8) Tend to friends/family
9) Do something for someone else
10) Do something new
11) Read for pleasure
12) Write down one thing for which I am grateful

Because I am who I am, I will actually be keeping a spreadsheet on these items and will, in fact, check them off (or not) each day. My feeling is that these things will eventually become habits of mind and spirit.

So, watch out for future blog entries! I'll be gently starting to initiate the process during this next month before I do it in earnest....

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning!

2010-03-27T10:54:00.001-07:00

So, there's something about a beautiful morning that makes you think about all of the things for which you are GRATEFUL! I was able to enjoy a child-free morning giving a piano masterclass in a nearby burg. The drive to and fro was full of thoughts about how much I LOVE TEACHING PIANO/MUSIC and how much I LOVE MY KIDS. Two wonderful things, really. Plus, I ate a healthy salad for lunch at a leisurely pace. Ah, the simple pleasures of life. I have noticed that my life since Lucy and Carter has been one in which I have increased my ability to enjoy simple/small things. Maybe because I am seeing the world fresh through their eyes? Or, maybe because any moment not filled with things I have. to. do. is a moment to be cherished? :)

It's also always good to hear that the babysitter (a good friend) had a great time with the kids. I always leave with some trepidation about possible mishaps, but generally, these kids just seem carefree after a little initial crying for mama when I leave.

I think the thing that this masterclass brought home to me was that teaching music/piano to students is a way to quickly get a sense of who they are - and almost everyone is pretty interesting, when you get down to it - particularly young people who are not mired in pretenses. And, it is so satisfying to help students connect what they have in their hearts and minds to the music that they are playing. I mean, it's hard work - don't get me wrong - but, oh so satisfying!

So, I'm Pollyanna today. I'll probably take the kids for a walk/stroll in the sunshine after their nap. And, maybe read a chapter in a good book later (after they go to bed). Sigh.

Thank you, spring.

2010-03-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

OK, so I'm really going to get better at this blogging thing. No, really. (I know that I'm not supposed to apologize for not blogging on a blog - because who wants to read that, but...). Seriously.

The sunshine makes me feel invincible. Up to blogging every day. And doing other superhuman feats of accomplishment, organization, and strength!

And, Lucy and Carter have entered what I like to call the "cute overload" stage. I mean wow. I just took them over to campus for a quick check-in of work-type stuff (yes, I'm on sabbatical, but the year off is dwindling and I've got to ease myself back into it...) and they charmed every. one. in. sight.

So, after months of winter doldrums, darkness, and depression - and a recital (good - but lots of energy required), and a visit from mom (good!), and a bout with croup, and an ear infection, and a touch of pneumonia with an overnight stay at the hospital (bad, bad, bad!), and a cold (me), and a lot of work to get done for various things (sabbatical?), I am now telling the world that life is, indeed, better. And, it will continue to get better. And, I will chronicle it. As it gets better.

My favorite thing about Lucy right now is her random utterance of "appashoosh" (apple juice) when she's just reading a book or in the car or something. She just says it like she's trying it out. And, I know that she knows what she's saying. But, she doesn't necessarily need any apple juice. Too cute.

Carter outside is like a man who has not seen the light of day for 20 years. That kid is ecstatic to have his feet touching the green earth and feels no compunction in walking miles away from Mama and Lucy. Picking up sticks, pinecones, dog poop. You know the drill.

Both of them continue to be the sweetest children on the planet. Unless they are, you know, really hungry, and mama is not cutting grapes up fast enough...... :)

All I have left to say is "appashoosh." I think that says it all. Thank you very much.

Juggle, juggle.

2010-02-02T16:38:00.000-08:00

Well. I just spent two hours in a grammar workshop (nice to just sit and think about dangling modifiers for a while, but embarrassed that I couldn't - off the top of my head - describe what passive voice is - also, I live in fear of a colleague pointing out a grammatical error. And, I make them. Plenty. But, not as many as most! What, you say? There are hundreds of errors in this parentheses alone?) after having done acrobatics to attend a meeting, go to the grocery store after a snowed-in weekend, and hand off my kids to a friend/babysitter after daycare. I did get home to put them to bed. Lucy might have pink eye. Ick. Which means a Lucy and Mama day tomorrow (Carter in daycare) with a doctor's visit thrown in. All in all, I did survive the day - enjoyed some parts of it - and feel as though I should just not think about all that I have to do every day/every minute/every second. Just get by, pay the bills, work when you absolutely need to work, be totally "with" my children - when I'm with my children, and try not to freak out. Whew. Es ist genug. Bach, I hear you.

Sometimes, though, even through the frustration, low patience, stress, and exhaustion, I have these moments when I just feel as though my whole self is going to explode with the amount of love I have for these two small people. I want to protect them from all evil, yet I know that I can't. I want to convince them of their amazingness, but darned if they don't already know it! There is just not enough of anything for me to really communicate it all. So, Bach, es is NOT genug. Know what I mean???

I think I might make it through this life of mine - with it all being enough and not enough at the same time. How's that for cognitive dissonance? More coherency later.

Milestones

2010-01-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

Well - two weeks of Christmas vacation at Grandma's turned into three weeks because of the second coming of "snowpocalypse". Winter. Be. Gone. (Please?) We had a good trip back yesterday (they slept for three hours - the entire second leg of the trip) except for the frozen windshield wiper fluid debacle on a road with the slushiest, road-saltiest, nastiest, dirtiest, wettest....well you get the idea. A few stops to curse like a sailor and fling ww fluid onto the front windshield later and we're back home in one piece. Yet another example of how my very low expectations keep life happy and good for me. I was prepared for a lot worse - babies crying, icy roads, general and major life anxiety. But, not so bad! Yippee! Low expectations/high hopes!! A good mantra.

But, the big excitement is that Lucy and Carter are WALKING!!!! Yes - or I should say WOBBLING! :) I'm so glad that it happened at Grandma's house for all the family to enjoy and cheer. This is the first milestone that has really, really gotten to me! I'm so proud!!!! And, they are totally enthusiastic about this new development. Falls and spills do not get these two down. It was funny to see Carter watching Lucy walk and then three days later - he was on the go!! Not gonna be shown up, that guy. And, Lucy is just a pro. For sure.

Well, on to make a dent in laundry and cleaning house (NB - How is it possible that I cleaned the house - dusted, vacuumed, swiffered, cleaned beds/bathtubs - before I left for vacation and it's dirty when I get back? Does Percy cat have parties when I'm not here??) before rehearsals for a vocal recital and general getting-back-to-workness. More later.

Favorite Things

2009-12-21T15:46:00.000-08:00

Things that I really, really dig right now:

1) I'll be home for Christmas (barring blizzard) in two days!
2) Stephen Colbert rapping about being a Connecticut suburbanite with Alicia Keys.
3) Lunch at sushi place tomorrow with former student.
4) My facebook Christmas Elf name is "Chipper Sugar-Socks"
5) The middle section of the 2nd movement of Mozart K. 310
6) James Taylor singing "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
7) I've worked out two days in a row.
8) Twin Nap Chatter
9) Brown Paper Packages wrapped up with string
10) Eggs a la goldenrod

That's all I have to say right now!

Me=Awesome

2009-12-20T11:57:00.000-08:00

I just had to post that I just did 45 min. on the treadmill while the kids were napping. This means that I am the most amazing, fabulous person on the planet, doesn't it?

ME!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. OK, now it can stop.

2009-12-20T10:16:00.000-08:00

Hey! Winter is here. Christmas is coming. It's the snowpocaplypse here in the Mid-Atlantic. People are crazy. Grocery stores are being looted. OK, maybe not that last one, but before the big snow, I happened to be in Food City (which is a very fine metropolis, if you ask me) and there were, quite literally, throngs of people getting stocked up. Now, I don't know about you, but I rarely see an actual throng. I mean, that is serious business. So, I'm hoping that people were able to make it through the 48 hours or so when they really weren't able to make it out of their driveways, etc. I did, in fact, stay home all day long yesterday with my little snow bunnies. This actually quite unusual for me, as I have made a habit of the daily "sanity drive" to the grocery store, Target, random parks, etc. And, yes, I began to "feel" it at the end of the day. That cabin fever everyone talks about. Before the kids, I used to be able to just hunker down and enjoy the solitude of a day at home. Now, I gots to be movin', people! I think it is just that when you can get out, it's not a big deal to stay home.... But, when you've only got like two 2 hr. windows (around naps/meals/etc.) that some gettin' out can occur - baby, you are all over it. Plus, I have to have my "communication with humans above the age of 1" fix, even if it is the check out girl at the grocery store. Seriously, I feel like we have a good relationship!!

So, if this winter craziness lets up a bit - the main roads looked fairly clear this morning when I went out to pick up milk - maybe I can get some major stuff done before the trip to WV on Wednesday. This must include:

1) making a spare key to my house for the cat sitter
2) shampooing my carpet, so that I can return the shampooer to my Mom in WV
3) packing for us all for the trip (which will include a side-trip to DC)
4) wrapping presents for the daycare providers
5) 5 billion other things that I'm forgetting right now

Ah, it'll get done. What has been fun for me to watch these past couple of days has been Lucy and Carter's hilarious antics. Lucy is now standing up with no assistance from anything or anyone and she looks like she's loving it. She doesn't actually move after she gets up, but the look on her face is awesome. Carter tried it, too, (after hearing Mama's major applause and standing up song) but is a little less confident about his leg strength! However, he has recently started holding on to my fingers and walking like a pro - in the sense that a pro just recklessly starts to move really fast and wobbly!

After the 5 billionth attempt at unplugging the lamp by the couch, I have made the decision (which I should have made long ago) that Carter just can't resist the light going off, so I move the lamp to the top of the bookshelf that is nestled by the fireplace wall. I think that will discourage him for about 2 seconds. I caught him looking longingly at it for about 10 min. today. That kids loves the lights. A theatre career, perhaps?

I've assembled my January magazines and am now learning much about how to simplify, watch your weight, save money, and generally lead a healthier, happier life. Whew. I needed that. In the new year, however, I am committed to starting WW again and getting exercise of some sort in EVERY DAY. This will make for a happier mama and more productive sabbatical researcher, I'm sure.

Watch for the next post when I crawl out of my snow fort and head, hopefully, to the sushi restaurant....

Holidays!

2009-11-21T09:58:00.001-08:00

OK, so I've brought out the holiday music, specifically my "Songs of Joy and Peace" by Yo-Yo Ma and Friends (I LOVE the Wexford Carol with Alison Krauss!), and am initiating my kids in the joys of the season :)! I cannot wait to see my family next week. Some of my best childhood memories are of times at home with my brothers and parents during the days leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was never a stressful season at our house! And, the music was ON!!! ALL THE TIME!!!

So, as you can tell, I'm a bit enthusiastic. The 12 month vaccinations were yesterday. I don't think I have the strength to blog about that because it was quite a scene. I prefer to think that my kids' constant and ceaseless crying at the doctor's office is a sign of their extraordinary intelligence in recognizing what is going on and their incredible memories. Yeah. That's it. For sure. Anyway, it's over and the vaccines (including H1N1) are working their magic. Hopefully.

The kids are napping now and I just took the longest shower in the history of man. Ahh. Relaxation. And, I have dinner with a wonderful friend this evening. So, look at me. On top of the world.

Plus, against all odds, my camera's USB connection cable and battery charger are winging their way to WV to meet me at the family house for Thanksgiving! Thank you, competent Hampton Inn personnel! So, pics. Coming soon. Babies. Birthdays. Playing in leaves.

Rock and roll!

2009-11-18T10:59:00.000-08:00

OK, just a quick post. L. and C. have this new music table which is a big hit because not only does it have numerous bells and whistles and lights, etc., it is also scootable across the floor for the pleasure of the nearly-toddling crowd. This morning, they were both pushing buttons and flipping little rattle like appendages on it and, seemingly simultaneously, they both seemed to realize that it might be fun to bang heads. Purposefully. Both of them. Repeatedly. No crying. Just laughing. And bending head down again and again to go "bonk"! This has disaster written all over it, doesn't it? And yet....

Just kidding...

2009-11-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

So, apparently, by "posting every day," I really mean "posting once or twice a millenium." Hmm. All I can say is Man, Am I Tired!!! The conference, the big birthday, the worry over H1N1 vaccine-lessness, and my innate laziness have combined to create the perfect storm of procrastination. However, yoga class this morning has somewhat restored me. As did that little half hour nap under the electric blanket a few minutes ago. Wow. This is what I do when the kids are in daycare, huh? And, I don't feel at all guilty about it?? Ha. We all do what we have to to get by. I have a list a mile long of things that I really have. to. do. But, right now, I'm blogging, so don't bother me.

I anticipated having fantastic pictures of the birthday and playing in the autumn leaves to insert here, but my USB cable (Sony camera) is in a drawer languishing at the Hampton Inn in conference town. Yeah. So, I can look at the pictures, but no one else can. I'm going to go to Best Buy and see if I can rectify this situation tomorrow (if I don't get the stuff in the mail from Hampton...).

I was thinking, today, about how good I've gotten at taking my worry/stress/anxiety and just shelving it until I can deal with it. Is this good? Frankly, it's survival at this point. I liken the the passage of this first year of my children's life as the slow process of getting my head above water. It IS above water now - hallelujah! - but, my chin is still wet - if you can follow my lame analogy here. I've heard that (especially with multiples) the years become progressively less INTENSE as the kids get older. That's not to say that the worry/anxiety will ever leave. I know that much, you know. I wasn't born yesterday. But, I'll be able to look around me and think about things other than H1N1 vaccine, developmental milestones, are my kids eating enough, will they ever be able to feed themselves, are they going to fall off of that %$%$#@, etc., etc.

I've been reading about several women artists (pianists, composers, etc.) for my sabbatical research lately and, to a person, they all either regret not having children at all (which has influenced their creative inspirations - see Amy Beach's "Cradle Song of the Lonely Mother" or Libby Larsen's "Letters from Calamity Jane to her Daughter") or talk about how their child rearing has made professional accomplishment DIFFICULT. Well, you know, I always had perfectly mediocre ambitions for my career and I am sooooo glad I had my babies (yes, even after a year, and even with the guilt that I almost always feel at not being two parents for them), so I suppose life is just going fine for me. However, I think it is SOOOOO important for women (especially, but not exclusively) who are parents, to have creative stimulation, alone time, and time to be wholly themselves and not "related" to someone else. That is so obvious to me that I can't even feel guilty about wanting it. Not at all. The challenge for me, as a single parent, is how to find the time and the help to make it happen. My children will be the better for my taking care of myself in many ways.

So, although life is overwhelming and tiring and crazy, I am going to try and just be "all right" with it all and carve out seconds/minutes/hours for what I myself need. I'm starting to think that my kids are really quite happy and healthy (knock on wood), so I think I can make that continue if I'm happy and healthy (knock on wood), too. On that note, I'm going to practice the piano now. Hopefully, I'll see you soon!!

Reunited.

2009-11-08T17:58:00.000-08:00

Well, here it has been nearly a month without a post. I am really going to try and rectify this situation and post more regularly - with more photos, etc. I am a blogger-slacker. I probably need a 12 step program.

Things have been getting quite interesting around here - L. took her first couple of steps on Thursday last. C. is talking up a storm. Both of them are a bundle of laughs most of the time. We're still struggling with the consistency of the nap situation - in a very, very mild way. Today they took one nap for 3 1/2 hours. Rock star nappers! We'll see what tomorrow brings.

The big news is that I was away for two nights at a conference and we all survived. I was so happy to hear from my friends that the babies adjusted well. I think I had more trouble than they did - it's so hard not to know what they are experiencing for that long a period of time. It was, however, a good reminder that I have other facets to my life than motherhood. I really do believe that is a healthy thing and was happy that the conference went so well. Today, I went to a lovely recital by my former student and sabbatical replacement and left them for another couple of hours. Felt kind of guilty about that, but this week it's all baby time. Grandma's coming tomorrow and the big birthday bash (lots and lots of pics, for sure) is Tuesday. I'm really excited! Here's to posting every day!! I'm going to try it!

Cakes!

2009-10-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

So, I'm watching this cake show on the Food Network (the Onion says that, against all odds, there is an audience for the 5,405 cake shows on Cable TV - apparently, I'm part of all that) and wondering if anyone else out there thinks that it's impressive - and yet.... They don't look all that appetizing AND isn't that the point. Yummy, yummy cake. It might be one of my favorite things, Julie Andrews. So there. Anyway, eating a large MilkBone dog biscuit shaped cake or a sewing machine shaped cake really doesn't appeal.

Which brings me to the subject of birthday cake for the kidlins. I was, at first, intending to go all "mother of the year" on everyone and bake my little ones two little healthy (well, reasonably) cakes for their first. But, I realized that they won't care whether I make it or not. So, I'm not. Yeah. That's right. My mom is hiring someone to make a Raggedy Ann/Raggedy Andy cake, and I'll be buying a few cupcakes from the cupcakery in town. And, all will be well. I'm totally psyched about celebrating their first year (and my survival). Totally psyched.

I realized this evening, after no-nap-daycare day number 3 (first one this week, thank goodness) that I've been incredibly lucky with this sleep thing. Since about 5 months, there has not been any significant trouble going to bed or waking in the night. I realize that doom will now come down on my head and I'll be up until 4:30am - sort of like Poseidon's smiting of Odysseus - but I digress. So, coming up on the big birthday in a few weeks, I'm getting all nostalgic and philosophical (actually, I had a nap today which makes this possible - 6 days in a row of single parenting without seeing a single soul and/or taking any "break" makes me feel OK about this). Poor C. was SOOOOOO tired this evening that he had to have momma rock him to sleep. I haven't been able to cuddle him like that since he began to crawl. And, L. was out like a light during the scream fest from her brother. Amazing powers, that one. So, my "rough" sleep situation was, in total, about 30 min. long. And, I'm know I'm lucky about that. So, thank you, thank you, higher power of goodness, love, and light, because I realize that you are looking out for me. And, I don't feel too bad about having this little gift because what I'm doing is extremely hard, people. As my aunt said on her last visit - "you have to have a kind of steeliness to do what you are doing." Well, I don't know about that, but you've got to have some kind of stamina and optimism, that's for sure.

Anyway - store bought cake - here I come. I know you'll treat my little ones well. And, you won't be a life size replica of the Sears Tower, so we'll all be able to chomp down in happiness and celebration.

Woo-hoo!

L.

How do I love these?

2009-10-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

Friday night! Woo-hoo! Actually, this sabbatical has me not recognizing weekdays and weekends. And, I rarely wear a watch anymore. This is a great thing. But, speaking of "time," it's about time that my children make their blog-world debut. They've been asking... So, here they are - L and C sayin' "Hey! Wassup, Blog People?":
I've gotta say, you have got to smile when you see these little tadpoles. Am I right? After a complete nervous breakdown on Wednesday (hey, I made it to 11 months with only this one "complete" parental breakdown, so I deserve a Nobel Parenting Award - for my potential, of course) culminating in a bitten tongue and blood streaming from L.'s mouth, an incident with poop - don't ask, - way too much Type-A stress about things at my daycare (3 days a week) and my lack of ability to work and parent simultaneously and make ends meet on one salary, I actually had the greatest laugh ever. I mean, come on. Look at these children. I am a lucky woman!

So, I wanted to catalogue a few things that I am currently in love with about my children.

L.:

- her new Donald Duck imitation
- her skeptical stare when people go all "goo-goo, ga-ga" on her
- her crazy hair
- her quiet involvement with toys/books (on occasion)
- her singing in the crib and in the car when she doesn't think anyone is listening
- her crazy eyes when she sees the cat or hears me say "kitty-kat"
- the way she quietly sounds out consonants in words that I've just used
- her clapping every time I say "Yay, L.!"

C:

- his ceaseless good mood
- his dramatic, open mouth lean-in for kissing me
- the way he says mamma and then grins at me (repeatedly)
- the complete abandon and enthusiasm with which he goes after everything
- the way he makes even the most taciturn random people at the grocery store become giddy
- the way that he buries his head in my lap when he stops to say hello before moving on to something else
- the way he ADORES that simple red ball of his... (Seriously, how can something that simple make someone SOOO HAPPY???)

I am grateful for these things and more. I'll try and remember this as I lie, spent and exhausted, on the floor after trying to wrestle both of these squirm balls in and out of a bath (yeah, that's another post).

Today, by the way, I bought L and C pairs of shoes for the first time. C, especially, looked at me and non-verbally said "WTF, Mom?" They are not impressed with these alien things on their feet. But, at some point, they will need to get used to them. We'll take it slow. Ha. We don't want them fulfilling the stereotypes of their Mamma's home state of WV.

Blog on.

L.

People....I love people....

2009-10-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

No, this is not a post about Barbra Streisand, although I find her fascinating. And probably will blog about her at some point.

The strange thing about being on sabbatical and staying home with the kids part time this year is that I rarely see anybody other than that annoying Starbucks drive-thru girl, random folks at Target and my yoga classmates (obviously, we're not very chatty there). And, I don't like it AT. ALL. Now, I'm a big loner and have been known to stay at home on a Saturday night just to get away from people, so this is weird.....

All I can say is that I feel isolated. Without community. People ask me, occasionally - when I see them for that once-a-month fix - "how's the sabbatical?" and I smile and say "great!" and make some joke about not coming into work. And, they ask "how are the kids?" and I say "great!" and mention some milestone. Because no one really wants to know all that I'm really feeling - right? I mean, that would cause the 'ole back-away-slowly-while-smiling move. Ha.

So, it's got me to thinking about broader issues of community for me - like how I might create a community when I don't have one around me, because I'm beginning to think that it's imperative that I do so for my health and the health of my children. It's very strange to not be married with children OR single without children. Not too many of those around in my burg. And, being the only pianist/teacher at a college/university for many miles around can be isolating, too.

I'm thinking that the answer is to start commenting on other SMC blogs and reconnecting with some old pianist friends (actually sending letters, etc.). I'm really wondering if it's not everyone else, but me causing this feeling. I mean, I won't lie. It's a hard life, this single mother life. But, I'd do the exact same thing all over again - even knowing how hard it is (mainly emotionally exhausting). As one of my friends said, I've just got to "sit in it" (it being all of these feelings of isolation) and learn from it. Maybe I'll reread May Sarton's "Solitude." And, practice Schubert tomorrow. And, read about Amy Beach.

And, think about my next blog post! As an addendum, I did actually bathe both babies at once today for the first time. Very enjoyable - until after the bath when both of them cried for about a half hour about being taken from the bath. Ah, the irony!!!

Later, blogsters.

L.

Changed my mind - what's left of it!

2009-10-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm back. I deleted this blog in a fit of pique about its mediocrity and because I had a stressful couple of days (wah-wah) and felt isolated, alone, and annoyed at humanity in general. As usual, my burst of self-pity passed and, luckily, you can undelete a blog. Awesome.

So, a couple of random and assorted things:

1) Went to see/hear Chick Corea and he played Scarlatti and Scriabin and it was WEIRD and interesting and I don't know what all else. In general, I have to admire it. He was willing to risk himself and his reputation to go in an unexpected direction. The lesson that I take from this is that classical pianists can learn from jazz pianists about taking risks and relinquishing control. And, that risks are worth it. Life is too short (hence my return to the blog).

2) I'll admit it, I'm afraid of putting both of my children in the bathtub at one time. And, I'm really afraid of feeding them finger foods beyond the Cheerios, etc. But, both of those things will need to happen soon. As a colleague once remarked to me - "have you noticed how many people (and what kinds of people) actually end up having their kids survive their parenting?" The odds are stacked in my favor, if you look at it this way. Thanks, M.

3) Is there a dress code at Starbucks that requires you to wear trendy glasses? And, what is the deal with a 20 year old in the S-bucks drive thru calling me sweetie repeatedly? Apparently, I'm geriatric. Thanks, sweetie.

4) Can I afford to join Weight Watchers online this month? Can I afford not to???????

5) Why do people put shoes on infants? I don't get it.

6) L and C are eschewing the afternoon nap lately. I am analyzing this phenomenon obsessively. To push the morning nap later, to continue to force the two naps - this is the question....

7) October is officially Amy Beach month in my house. Tuesday is the Amy Beach childhood prodigy retrospective. Oh, research I hear you calling - and this time, I really will respond!

Feeling bloggy,

L.

In which I turn into a couch french fry.

2009-09-25T10:47:00.001-07:00

Because couch potato doesn't really seem to be serious enough a term. So, here's my dilemma. I've got two perfect, wonderful, fabulous, simply exquisite little people who live with me. And they need attention and food and attention and play and attention and outings and attention and picking up. And attention. And I need a hot tub, Jason Bateman/Colin Firth/Aaron Eckhart on call for "attention", a gourmet chef, a personal trainer, and Oprah on speed dial for life advice. Seriously. Could anyone hook me up?

For the past month, I have fallen into a pattern of sleeping during the morning nap and gazing mindlessly at my computer screen during afternoon nap and watching HGTV/30 Rock, etc. during the two and one half post-baby evening hours. I have a treadmill sitting in my bedroom glaring at me. I have about 20 unpacked boxes in the garage smirking at me. I have a pile of research books and piano music mutely admonishing me. And, I feel like a schlump. I think I just made that word up (I'll probably look it up on dictionary.com during my mindless computer gazing period). I have a closet full of clothes that I don't wear in favor of "almost-pajamas" (another term that I have just coined) and five t-shirts. I need an intervention.

Of course, this is all exacerbated by the fact that we've had some baby sicknesses this past week and I only got one day "off" (kids in daycare) in which to do things that I needed/wanted to do solo. Sadly, even on my day off, I felt like a schlump. Except for the yoga class. Life should be all yoga, all the time.

Schlumpy, Schlumpy, Schlumpy. Single mother on sabbatical wallowing in her piteous little mood. That's the headline.

OK - I must rally. My kids are far more healthy and happy than I am right now. So, maybe I need 14 hours of sleep, healthy veggie based diet, exercise galore and about 50 episodes of full-on giggling a day. You know, I could probably get there if I tried (OK, not the 14 hours of sleep, but at least 8-9).

Or, like the 30 Rock episode that I watched last night, maybe all I need is for Alec Baldwin to give me a little "pill" that makes me think that I'm seeing Oprah! At least I'm not Liz Lemon! Or, am I?

Onward!

Passings

2009-09-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to start off my blog with a really serious post, but....ain't that life? Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death. Not something that I am probably going to record/mark with a ritual every year, but this first year, it rather forces itself onto my consciousness. And, weirdly, I had a dream about my father last night. "Not weird at all," you say? Well, I find it so because 1) I rarely remember my dreams and 2) I'm not so sure that my rational self is willing to see lots of "import" where there might be simpler answers.

Well, anyway, my father and I were walking along the tree-lined streets (in autumn) of Iowa City (a place he and I were never together - I lived in Iowa/Illinois for a couple of years) and had dinner at my favorite restaurant there - Devotay. Loved that place. It was a peaceful dream - I was telling him about L. and C. (my children) and he was, as usual, not talking much but taking it all in. He was a master listener. Never interrupting. Never giving advice. Almost to the point of making you wondering if he was really listening at all, but you'd find out later that he was, indeed, paying attention to every word. Surprisingly. Because I always talked a lot around him. So, there was a lot to remember. :)

I really miss sitting in silence with him and walking with him down the river road in my hometown. I miss, selfishly, knowing that there are two people (for sure) in the world that love me unconditionally. I miss his gentleness and his calm certitude and his kindness. And I really, really wish that L. and C. could have known him. I know for sure that he would have loved them and that they would have brought out that small smile that he had when enjoying something privately.

I remember walking to kindergarten with him every day (my class was in his building at the college where he taught) and curling up in his office in the brown leather chair with the green lamp before going to my class. Every surface of the walls in his office (no windows) were covered in books and/or fishing memorabilia. It was like a little cave and a perfect place for someone so private and quiet. A place to enjoy solitude. Which he did - even when we were all around him. He was the most self-contained person I ever knew. In a way, I think that he communicated on a level that was more profound than words or actions. The last time that I saw him alive (in July of last year) he communicated everything that he needed to with just one look. He hadn't talked in three months and wouldn't again speak. I can't describe the completeness of that look. It had everything in it. His love for me; his pride in me; his conveyance of the fact that he believed I would ALWAYS have those things. And, more. I knew that I wouldn't see him again. And, I hope that he received the same look from me. I think he did.

I miss you, Dad. And I love you. Still. Always.

Hello, Blogworld!

2009-09-22T11:40:00.000-07:00

OK, so here I go. It's amazing to me that I've been thinking about blogging for so long and am only now getting to it. Actually, it's par for the course. Over-think a decision until the medium or technology is almost obsolete, then go for it!!!

So, reasons for me to blog:

1) I've been lurking in cyberspace on other blogs and admiring their witty and profound thoughts.
2) I'm on sabbatical and this is a good way to chronicle my year "off" from academic routine.
3) Everyone, and I mean everyone, has got to be interested in the quotidian details of my life, right?
4) People are going to love the pictures of my kids, right? :)
5) Raising twins and continuing an academic career and a life as a professional pianist/teacher is just not enough for me!
6) It will be fun to fool around with templates and create a great look, eventually, for my blog...
7) Yeah, I don't know. Why not?

This could, of course, be a mommy blog, a professional blog, a musical blog or any of an assorted number of labels, but I've decided to make it a "miscellaneous" blog. Hope it appeals to someone. Ha.