Dear Reader:

It has been a long day of driving.  I just cracked open the sliding glass door in my beach house bedroom so that I can hear the waves.   I just checked in on my sleeping children who are blissfully and beautifully zonked out in bunk beds down the hall.   I am plotting an early rise tomorrow morning to catch, if I'm lucky and the weather agrees, a gorgeous ocean side sunrise.   I am grateful for all of this.

I've been away from the blog for about 6 or 7 weeks, as my dear readers know.   There were several reasons for this, some clear to me and some unclear.   I needed some time to process some things in my life away from the computer.   I wanted to figure out why I was blogging.   I felt, somehow, that this was becoming an obligation - not to write down words on the page - but an obligation to be "inspirational,"  "optimistic,"  "positive," and "profound!"  Now, I am sure that there are many moments when I am all of those things - either collectively or singly - but, I will tell you that there are many moments when I am NONE of them.   When I am cranky, dispirited, depressed, hopeless, angry, etc.   I started off this blog as a way of making myself accountable for some new directions in health and wellness (OK, let's just say it - I needed/wanted/felt I had to lose some weight.).   And, I did take some good new directions, some of which I have kept as habits.   And, I did lose some weight, most of which I have gained back.  There it is.  The facts.  But, also, somewhere along the way, this blog also become a vehicle for me to focus on taking care of myself - mentally, spiritually, and physically.   It became a place for me to figure things out and record moments of gratitude and beauty in my life.   It also became a place where I felt safe in being honest and candid about things that were happening to and within me.   It became a place where I made new, honest connections with some of my readers.   But, as anyone who writes a blog knows (I think), it is very easy to start identifying oneself with one's blog persona.  To start creating and/or curating an image of oneself that does not actually reflect the totality of one's "self" but that one can become attached to in various ways.  And, it is possible that I was starting to write towards particular dear readers that I thought would appreciate the persona that I had created.

I have spent some time away from the blog, and I think that I have clarified for myself that I would like to continue writing here.   I don't think my readership is large or wide and I don't really care, because I enjoy this kind of connection and sharing.   I need something like this to help me remind myself that it's OK for me to place myself on the "things I need to take care of" list.   Because, I will tell you, I often feel very alone and very lonely in my responsibilities and my career and my experience of parenthood.   And, the result is that I often try to deal with my stress and my grief and my moments of despair by myself.  Because, of course, I don't want to burden anyone else - my friends, my family, my children.   They have their own responsibilities, families, careers, stresses, innocence.   I am struggling with the idea that I don't have shoulder everything alone.

Because here's the deal, dear reader.  There's another thing that's been going on in my life lately.  An important thing.  A thing that matters.   I have found, here in mid-life, a friendship which made me, for a moment or two or ten or one hundred, feel like I could lay some of this aloneness down.  It made me feel seen and heard and, importantly, really appreciated.   It was lovely.   But, because of life circumstances (stupid life.), I have to let go of this friendship.  It is the right thing to do for both myself and my friend.  Let go.  Let go.  Let go.  Forever? I don't know.   Maybe.  Maybe not.   But, that's probably not the most important question because all I have here in this immediate moment is this. immediate. moment.  Where I have to let go.  And, whew boy, I am NOT GOOD AT LETTING GO.  I am grieving.   It is difficult.  I feel moments of just total/complete pain.  And, moments where I can let the sound of those waves calm me down, but this is, frankly, one of the biggest losses that I've ever felt - emotionally speaking.   So, on top of losing one of the most important figures in my life this past August (my teacher), I am now losing this important friendship and the hopes that went along with it.

So.  There's some stuff.  Aren't you glad I'm back on the blog laying this kind of stuff down?  Ha.

Also, I've been reading some articles about Ferguson and the no indictment verdict (yes, painfully awkward transition here) and feeling all sorts of brokenhearted about the ways in which humans seem to be able to enact violence on one another (and how complicit I am in many of those ways) - within families, within friendships, within communities - and I came across one of those great internet articles that I just crave in a ridiculously unhealthy way - "12 ways that white people can become allies in the fight against racism" or something like that.   I mean, give me 12 things that can make me be a better parent, a better friend, a better citizen, a better human and I will grab onto it and never let go.   I just need instructions.   I will follow them letter for letter.   Just tell me what to do.

And, it occurred to me (LIGHTBULB) that the great challenge of my middle age is clearly going to be living with uncertainty and a lack of clarity and a lack of step-by-step rules to make me better.  And, maybe realizing that it isn't about being "better" or "thinner" or "kinder" or more "worthy."  I need to learn how to LET GO of things more gracefully, including my obsessive habits and my physical and psychological weight.  And, find out why I cling to things that aren't right or healthy for me.     Here's what I aspire to, folks:

"The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper.  When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you.  The pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful.  Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear."

-- Henri Nouwen

That's what I'm going for.  I may never quite reach it, but I will definitely try.  And, I am going to get better at asking for help when I feel alone.  

OK.  I am not sure where this blog is headed in the future, but I am trying to be OK without a plan.  I am going to take some long, long walks on the beach in the next few days and GIVE THANKS for this crazy, fantastically wonderful, deeply painful, amazingly beautiful life I have been given and the people with whom I share it.  And, I will try not to eat too much turkey.

Thanks for sticking with me, dear reader.   Until the next post....