Dear Reader:

It turns out that I am "a wickedly intelligent and devastatingly gorgeous human being" y'all.   How do I know this?   Well, I ordered a box of cards (that say "Thank you for Existing" with really pretty flowers and stuff) to send to friends from a company that sells "Empathy" Cards - the antidote to Hallmark's sappy platitudes.   When I clicked the Pay Now button, the company sent me a thank you note that did, in fact, confirm my wicked intelligence and my devastatingly gorgeous human being-ness.    It really gave me a boost for the day, and the more I think about it, the more I feel like - yeah, it's accurate.   I am pretty awesome and I need to stop being afraid of that.  The message ended with a imperative to "Get Out There and Own It!"

So, all right.   Here I am!   Getting out there and owning it!  :)    I've got a few weeks of summer left, and the overall feeling I have is that I have spent my time well this summer.   I have enjoyed my time with the kids.   I have enjoyed the time at work and play when my kids were at camp.   Today, I worked on a couple of work issues and practiced Chopin for about an hour and a half in the morning.  Then, I decided to take some time to myself and go see a matinée of "The Big Sick" which I thoroughly enjoyed.   I am at the point in the month where I am counting pennies (vacations really suck out the funds, folks) and I am proud of a very cost-effective dinner for myself and the kids.   I am currently charging up my FitBit to get it back in action counting my steps.  

I have made a budget for next month and some financial plans for the next few months which will allow me to save for a weekend seminar in October in DC which will count as sabbatical research preparation and for a week at the Outer Banks in early March while the kids and I are free during their spring break (this could only happen while I'm on sabbatical).    I am thinking about getting a puppy in the spring and am starting to talk with friends about renting to own the place I am in OR buying some other place.   My priorities are finding a way to increase my savings, but also develop a travel fund for myself and the kids.   I want to do a National Park trip every other year until they are out of high school and go to the beach, occasionally.    And, personally, I want to plan for a two week trip to England when I am 50.  One week of hiking the entire 84 miles of Hadrian's Wall and one week of driving around to various literary spots - Wordsworth's home and Beatrix's Potter's home in the Lake District and Jane Austen's house in Chawton.    I mean, just basically visiting all of the places that built my imagination as a young woman.   All of this costs money, of course, so I need to carefully plan.   I mean, I also want my kids to have money for education and travel and stability later on, too.   There are days where I think it can't be done.  But, then I dust myself off and get out there and own my awesomeness and believe that it can.  It just can!

My weight and relationship with food and body image is still, obviously, a major issue for me.  The good news is that I do not feel like it is continuing to be compounded by depression.    I am finding it a bit easier to treat myself better.     I am doing my best and accepting that that is OK.  Much of what I use food for is to numb the feelings of loneliness that go along with being single at 46 and solely responsible for two wonderful human beings.   I always find this loneliness to be heightened in the summers because I have time to ruminate about it, of course.    I would so love to have a kind, sweet, smart, funny partner who shares my life and that of my children, and occasionally I feel disappointed that this has not happened for me yet.    But, I've made progress, I think, in that I don't feel ashamed of longing for this kind of deep knowing and sharing and connection with a partner.    I long for friendships that sustain me.   I long for a happy, healthy future for my children.   I long for travel and adventure.   I long for professional accomplishment.   I long for our world and our country to be a kinder place than it is.  I long for my mind and heart to handle stress and worry more resiliently. And, yes, I long for romance.   But, I used to feel like I needed to tamp down that longing and ignore it or root it out.  No longer.   My heart can long for many things, and I can still feel grateful for what I have.  Those things can co-exist.   I don't need to use food as a way of feeding the longing.

It's still going to be a lot of work and, sometimes, not fun at all to get to a physically healthier place and to love my body as it is.   But, I am ready for the work, mentally and spiritually.    And, I am ready to set goals, but not expectations.

This sentiment, by Glennon Doyle, really touched my heart today:

"To those of you tethered to drugs or booze or food or snark or perfection or work or shopping or any other life pain killer, I would say this:  You must stop running from your broken heart.  A broken heart won't kill you, but running WILL.  If it doesn't kill your body, running takes your soul.  You must Be Still.  You must stand still long enough to feel it all.  The only person on Earth you must answer to is Yourself in the Stillness.   Today is the day to stop running.  For EVERYONE."

I think we are all running from pain, aren't we?   We are trying to do the best we can.   Life is beautiful.    We are wickedly intelligent and devastatingly gorgeous human beings, aren't we?  Let's go out and own it!

Thanks for reading!