Dear Reader,

You must be thinking that poor Lisa has fallen off the grid.   Maybe won a trip for three to the Caribbean on a cruise ship with no internet access?   Or, maybe, dear reader, I am involved in exciting espionage in a foreign country, leaving me no time to keep up with the blogging?  

I'm so deep in the mode of summer school after the first four days of my Beethoven class, that I almost wanted to make those questions part of a multiple choice quiz with "all of the above"  and "none of the above" as options.   Ha, ha, ha.

No, dear reader, the reason I haven't blogged yet this week is much more pedestrian.   I have been IN A FUNK.   I don't like being IN A FUNK.   And, I can only imagine that reading the blog entry from someone who is, currently, IN A FUNK is about as much fun as watching the ugly pale grey paint dry in an early 80's era Eastern European hospital waiting room.   Is that simile vivid enough for you?

I am, by any measure, an extremely optimistic person, dear reader.   I tend to look on the bright side about 95% of the time.   I don't think I'm a Pollyanna (some may disagree) because I've got too much of a sarcastic edge, but I tend to be pretty darn hopeful.    But, sometimes, dear reader.....sometimes......I get IN A FUNK that resembles the cloud cover hovering above an 18 year old who has just discovered the works of Sartre, started wearing all black and smoking cigarettes, and embracing the tenets of existentialism.   This week, I have been suffering from this condition.   If I start wearing a beret and sunglasses and reciting Beat Poetry, I might be in big trouble.   Sigh.

I went to the doctor today because of some minor issues (fatigue, headaches, an infrequently reoccurring, genetic skin condition - tinea versicolor - yeah, don't look that up - the pictures will look worse than my small outbreak of it).   According to the evil doctor scale - I saw that thing glaring at me from the corner - I have gained 5 lbs.   My doctor was still thrilled with the modest progress I have already made, but that evil scale news just sent my FUNK into total overdrive.   I think the nurse and doctor could sense my encroaching grey clouds because they went into raptures over my perfectly normal blood pressure reading (116/62).   I mean, was my blood pressure that bad before?   Do I deserve an award?   They seemed awfully chipper about the basic functioning of my body.   Yay for my heart continuing to beat and my ability to remain upright!!

See what I mean about the paint drying?  It is not pretty.  But, maybe - just maybe, dear reader - blogging out my feelings (as I have done effectively in the past) will help me to move past this lethargy of the soul and back out into the SUN - properly equipped with sunscreen, of course.

I've made an impromptu decision to pick up the kids early from preschool tomorrow and head up to my mother's place for a visit.   I need a dose of her pragmatic, unsentimental, tough love.   And a weekend with no technology - TV, cell phone, internet, e-mail BE GONE.

I know that this journey that I am on to regain some wellness and positive body image is a life-long journey.  I know that.   So, I will view this FUNK as a bump in the road.    I will try not to conflate things like my emotional/psychological roadblocks to weight loss with everything from the state of my living room's cleanliness, the failure of Elizabeth Warren's student loan debt bill, the school shootings in Oregon, my grad school advisor's loss of a family member to cancer, my kids' insistence on fighting bedtime and my success in various practice sessions.   It's not all related, Lisa.   Breathe.  Just Be.  Accept what the moment brings.   Sit in Lotus Position.  Become aware of your breath and your thoughts.

You know, dear reader, I think I can do this.  Get back on track, that is.   I am somewhat sad about not being able to afford a beach vacation this year, because I do love that ocean.  But, the next best thing is for me to re-read parts of Anne Morrow Lindbergh's "Gift from the Sea" which I dearly love.   So, dear reader, this is where we leave that grey waiting room and move back into my optimism:

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient.  To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but a lack of faith.  Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches.  Patience and faith.  One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea."

"The shape of my life is, of course, determined by many things; my background and childhood, my mind and its education, my conscience and its pressures, my heart and its desires.  I want to give and take from my children and husband, to share with friends and community, to carry out my obligations to man and to the world, as a woman, as an artist, as a citizen.  But I want FIRST OF ALL - in fact, as an end to these other desires - to be at peace with myself.  I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can."

"The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere.  That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask.  I have shed my mask."

"I find there is a quality to being alone that is incredibly precious.  Life rushes back into the void, richer, more vivid, fuller than before."

"Only when one is connected to one's own core is one connected to others, I am beginning to discover."

"Perhaps this is the most important thing for me to take back from beach-living:  simply the memory that each cycle of the tide is valid; each cycle of the wave is valid; each cycle of a relationship is valid."

There.  I feel like I just spent the afternoon at the beach.

Thanks so much for reading, dear reader!   Have a great weekend!