The Boxing Match

Dear Reader,

Whew.  This week.  This week.  Wow.  This week has pummeled me and left me bloody and bruised on the ground.   My ability to keep myself afloat took a mortal hit this week.   I am emotionally overwhelmed.  No doubt.  Code red.

You know those psychological labels that everyone loves to co-opt and feel great about hanging onto to explain behavior?  Like this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/highly-sensitive-people-signs-habits_n_4810794.html

Highly sensitive people.  Yes.  I might be one of those.   And, the combination of my continuing struggle with anxiety and depression, my continuing heartache (it almost feels like heartburn at this point), my serious work in therapy this week (uncovering some big stuff), two colleagues and friends that were hospitalized - one with a life-threatening illness, my increased workload at work to organize the coverage of classes for the colleague, the crowds at the community Christmas Dinner, the various papers and forms being sent back to kindergarten for two field trips next week, the normal end of semester work and just, well, LIFE, I reached a point of total panic today.  I felt physically ill.  I am still functional (victory!) and I can identify some small moments where the tightness in my chest loosened and a little space came in - mostly when I was doing some deep yoga breathing while lying curled up on my bed a couple of hours ago and when my kids catapulted off the bus and into my arms.   I just, I just, I just.   Yeah, I've got nothing.  Except this:

Can we skip the holidays this year?   I mean, can we all agree that Christmas really shouldn't come more than in 3 year intervals?    Wouldn't we all appreciate it more?    I mean, come on.   So, I'm guessing that not all of you agree with this, dear reader, so I suppose I should "suit up."

Mid-week this week I decided to make a visual representation of my state of mind - I feel like this was a good use of my time, don't you?

In case you can't quite read these labels, dear reader, here's the rundown:

I am currently placed near or in:

The Slough of Despondent Feelings
The Lagoon of Heartbreak
The Tree of Petty Annoyance
The Thicket of Woe
The Shore of Terrible Things happening in the world and to friends
The Waterslide of Erratic Mood Swings

When I cross the Bridge of Acceptance, I will join L and C over in:

The Meadow of Love and Connection
The Cottage of Joy and Beauty
The Well of Wellness
The Butterfly Garden of Mental Health

L and C are currently over there saying  - "Come over here, Mama!"

Ha, ha, ha.   It's a Pilgrim's Progress with a Buddhist twist.   Anyway, I'm framing it.  (Not really).

So, I need to focus, maniacally, on things that I can look forward to in the coming weeks:

Having time to spend time at my house with no one else there, napping/reading
Putting up a real Christmas tree for the first time in a long time
Finishing up the memorization work on my Chopin pieces
Booking a massage (I NEED THIS)
Going shopping in Asheville with a friend
Lots of yoga classes
Meditation
Green Smoothies
Exercise
SLEEP
Spending non-crazy time with my kiddos
Time with friends (I need way more of this - feeling isolated is not good for me right now and that is what I am feeling - in spades)
Hugs (hint, hint, dear readers!)

I know the the sun will break through my grey fog sometime.  I am certain of it.   But, I am working (ASSIDUOUSLY) on experiencing these current feelings without judging them and without trying to push them away although, geez, I really. want. them. to. go. away.   So, I just can't pretend here on this blog that I am full of optimism right now.   I don't like pretense.  Actually, I abhor pretense.  It seems to me that pretense is one of those things that you have to either abhor or embrace - there's no middle ground with pretense, right?  

What I can assert is that I am striving to focus on the kindnesses that I can afford myself and others and the ones that they offer me.   I had a small chat with the wife of the President of the college at the Christmas dinner - comparing notes on raising two small children.   She looked at me and said "I don't know how you do it."   This is something that I hear a lot and mostly find kind of annoying.  But, there was something in the way she said it that showed me that she recognized that there are times when I struggle.   And, just that implicit acknowledgement brought tears to my eyes (highly sensitive person...).   And, then, she said - "You just keep that sense of humor!" and patted me on the back.    So, in an effort to leave you all with some humor, here's the man of my dreams (I seriously think I should take out a personal ad based on him - "Only witty, fun-loving intellectuals with kind hearts and British accents need apply") - Stephen Fry.   A friend sent this to me recently - another small kindness that made a difference to me.   If you are not into British humor, this might not do it for me, but it made me laugh LONG and HARD on a day when I thought that was not possible, y'all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZUU31kHrnw

Also, here's a solstice picture that I find comforting in this dark and grey season:

And, here's a pic that my brother took of me walking along the shore at sunrise a week ago.  Looking at it makes that tightness in my chest loosen quite a bit.  Quite a bit.