Dear Reader:

I am quite giddy with the news that my workplace is shutting down because of snow tomorrow.   IT NEVER HAPPENS.   I feel like someone just turned on a release valve for me.  I will admit to worrying, worrying, worrying this past week or so because of my sickness, then my kids' sickness, then weather related childcare juggling and classes/lessons rescheduling.   I was worried that I wasn't doing a great job of teaching and being there for my students.   I was worried that being cooped up with my kids for long stretches of time was making me less attentive to them and less patient with them.   It was a spiral of mediocrity.    So, I was making efforts to be more on top of it.   I was working on a big budget project for work, trying to schedule and reschedule and plan and organize my life and time.   And, then, BAM - SNOW DAY.   And, now, I feel like the universe is giving me permission to just take a day and have some fun with my kids.

Now, I am still not a winter fan.   I would, frankly, rather be having a SUN DAY off of work, but apparently they don't give those out as frequently.   Can you imagine?   "Oh, it's way too sunny today.  I think we'll have to shut down all of the offices.  People won't be able to concentrate on work today."     Actually, that's a pleasant daydream.    I'll have to stow that one away for a day when I'm looking out of my office window dreaming of sailing off from reality and basking in the sunshine.  I digress.  Back to not being a winter fan.  So, yeah, cold and snow do not exactly thrill me.   But, sometimes you just have embrace what is in front of you.  Right?   Here's a real test of my mindfulness.   And, I know my kids are overjoyed with the snow.   So, I'm suiting up (literally and figuratively) and I'm going to go play in the snow tomorrow.  Sledding and snowman-making.   Here I come.

I am in week 1 of the Cravings Cleanse right now.   I thought I'd outline here what this program is all about.   It is an 8 week long program to help you reshape your relationship with food, both physically and emotionally.   Week 1 is Mental Mindset and Preparation Week.   I am doing a lot of writing about my relationship with food and my parents' relationship with food and my triggers and my typical cravings.   It is awfully hard not to be judgmental about myself in this, but I am really trying to just lay it out objectively and look at it.   Week 2 will be a Weaning Week from the Toxic 6:  soy, gluten, caffeine, sugars, corn, and dairy.   Gradually.   It will still be painful, I'm sure.   Weeks 3 and 4 are totally Toxic 6 free.   I will have two smoothies, a "clean" meal, and as many approved snacks as I want.  There is no calorie counting in this program.   I tried out one of the Lean, Green Protein Smoothies tonight.  Not bad:

2 cups of "power" greens, a pear, half a banana, flax seed, almond milk, cinnamon, coconut water (supposed to use coconut milk - unsweetened, but I didn't have that tonight), pea protein powder - vanilla.

Weeks 5, 6, 7 are a one-by-one reintroduction of each of the Toxic 6 on one day followed by 2 or 3 days of noticing symptoms, reactions, etc.   Week 8 is a reentry into real life and eating.

I'm not going to lie.  I'm a little scared of this process.   I'm hoping I can do this for my awesome self.   Because I think this is going to tell me more about my relationship to food.   The program is full of community support (one live coaching call a week, a closed FB group) and has Positive Psychology and Mindfulness assignments every week.

So, as I wrote on one of the other participant's post today (she was feeling overwhelmed), I am doing this for myself because it is worth it to me to figure out why I use food to fill other needs and desires that are emotionally based.   Because I have an intense desire to live comfortably and deliciously in my own body after years of basically ignoring it.   Because I want to live strong and energetically.   Not just for my kids.  For me.  For me.   I am worth it.  Will I do every part of the cleanse perfectly without any self-sabotaging or mistakes?   Probably not.   Will I learn more about myself and get closer to my goals by doing this?  I think so.  I think so.   I realize I am repeating myself, but you know, dear reader, I've got to convince myself every day that I'm worth it.    I've started actually not feeling bad about the fact that I am constantly trying to convince myself of that.   It's a choice like any other, is it not?   I imagine that long term relationships are like that.   You wake up every morning and convince yourself that it is worth it.   You choose to value it and put the effort into it.   And, it's hard.  Right?  Well, for me, it's hard work trying to value myself.   But it is worthy work.  Because all of the things that I do for other people (things that give me great joy) come from how I build myself up.

Speaking of long term relationships (see, I'm just trying to segue out of Cleanse talk - it's not the only thing in my life, you know!  :)),  I absolutely love evolutionary biology.   (Bear with me, I have a point here).   I love it when my craziness or awkwardness or loneliness or giddiness or heartbrokenness is explainable in scientific terms.   Poetry, Music, and Evolutionary Biology.  That's right, people.  Those are my three obsessions.   Along with Parks and Recreation.  Ha.    I like to think it makes me a balanced person.  Anyway, I listened to this fantastic podcast about Lust, Romantic Love and Attachment (hint:  Attachment is the Ultimate Goal of the self-actualized person - but it's all about our animal instincts).  So much interesting stuff to think about:

http://onbeing.org/program/helen-fisher-love-and-sex-and-attachment/7288

It's long, but it's worth it.

Also, speaking of things that inspire me, I recently ordered this for my kids:

http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/02/10/the-iridescence-of-birds-henri-matisse/

Aside from the fact that I find the word "iridescence" to be a delightful and delicious word, this story just gets me.   His mother gives him the tools to paint himself out of his dreary northern French town?   Her "attentive presence" is the key to great parenting?   Yes.  This book charms me.  It is a singularly powerful goal of my parenting to encourage my children to see the beauty and joy around them - to pay attention to what is delightfully and wonderfully right in front of them.   Some days, I think I do all right with this.

I went to see the movie "Wild" on Saturday with a friend and was really impressed.   I need to read that book now.   It got me to thinking about a lot of things, particularly how we all face adversity in different ways and how the striving to heal and grow oneself and create meaning in one's life is so crucial to our ability to live a full life.   I also have been thinking a lot about what my friend mentioned are those "false dichotomies" that we seem to cherish.   Holding the tension of what seem to be opposite actions.   How do we let go of something and still hold on to it?   How do we think well of ourselves and think ill of ourselves at the same time?   How do we protect ourselves and still give generously to the world and to our relationships?   I think all of these things are possible.   They may create some cognitive dissonance, but they are possible.  They are just Hard, Hard Work.  

Anyway, I'm off to ponder how best to spend this snowy day of ours tomorrow rather than these lofty topics.   I'm sure I'll keep you updated on the Cleanse.  And, I'll leave you with a line from one of my favorite people:

Thanks for reading!