Wow. I am just surfacing from a major depressive episode. OK, maybe on an objective scale, it wasn't that "major," but for me it was intense. I mean that several mornings in a row I woke up and thought - "Oh, what's the point?" and drug myself out of bed (note: some days, a major accomplishment in life is dragging oneself out of bed. Seriously. To all of you warriors getting up each morning, I salute you. Keep on keeping on.) and just limped through the day. Limped, I tell you. Felt like I couldn't find any pleasure in any darn thing. Tried to keep it together for the kids to think I was functional, etc.
Why, you ask, did this happen? I do not know for sure. I have some suspicions. But, let's fast forward to the part where I started feeling a bit better this morning and then a bit better than that this afternoon and finally, am feeling cautiously optimistic about life again this evening. Whew. Dang. Thank goodness this was relatively short-lived. It really started about a day before my birthday, but I really don't think it had anything to do with my turning over another year. I mean, maybe subconsciously? There's a lot of stuff swimming around in the subconscious, you know. I am more interested, however, in talking about what turned this Titanic around and kept it from heading to that iceberg. It might be a little too early to predict that this ship really is headed in a different direction, but you know me. I am a cockeyed optimist.
What really turned things around for me was getting connected through some meditation and a good conversation with a really solidly sensible and wonderful friend to my unclouded rational self. It was like I had become unplugged from the things that usually help me out of my funks. To share how dire this was, I couldn't even bring myself to play the piano or look up a poem. Just didn't care enough. Sigh. Here's what getting plugged back in did for me. I was able to figure out what I was feeling and why I was feeling the way I was feeling. That's a lot of feeling.
Part I: Things I Felt.
1) I was feeling farther and farther away from the kind of parent I want to be. I was reacting, reacting, reacting and getting angry, angry, angry. I didn't feel comfortable expressing that anger because I don't ever feel comfortable expressing anger. So, it was building up. And, I was passive aggressive and dispirited with my children about behaviour issues. Y'all, parenthood was kicking my butt. Big time.
2) Because being "unplugged" makes me conflate all sorts of issues, I decided that being a bad parent was a sign that I was unlovable and of no use to anyone as a friend or as a professional. Yeah. That's rational, isn't it? Oh, feelings. You are so juvenile, and yet you just grab us by the throat sometimes. So, in the triumvirate of things I am in life - Mother, Friend, Professional - I had just consigned myself to the dustbin. Game over. You Have Failed This Level. Naturally, this led to more negative thinking about my physical self (that old trope) and all sorts of spiralling self-doubt.
Part II: Things I Figured Out
So, after some discussion with this lovely, sensible, life-jacket hurling friend - thanks, L.! - I came to some conclusions.
1) My path (and yeah, so is yours, dear fellow warrior) in life is sometimes lonely and stressful. It's OK to admit that and even, occasionally feel sad and, yes, even angry about that. Feel those feelings. Just keep breathing.
2) This summer is the first time that I've not had significant chunks of time each week where my children have been under the care of SOMEONE ELSE, thus allowing me some non-parent time.
3) I am definitively and definitely an introvert which means that I need alone time to recharge. When the kids are with me 24/7 and there are fewer options for babysitters.....Well, you see where I'm headed with this.
4) If I can get through the next two weeks and try to build in at least one LARGE chunk of time to myself during that period, I have some art camps and soccer camps and other such items to keep me afloat.
5) Taking the kids swimming at the local pool (where my sensible friend's daughter is the lifeguard) every afternoon for the next week will TIRE THEM OUT.
6) I am still awesome. Remember that. Remember that. A few weeks/days/hours of being a somewhat lazy, maybe sarcastic, totally impatient parent does not invalidate all the good I have done for my children. Also, ask anyone. I AM AWESOME. In, like, a lot of ways. But, I don't have try to be AWESOME every damn minute. Geez. It's OK to take a break from AWESOMENESS, right?
7) Because of my engrained thought patterns involving anger (expressing it = you will lose the love of those you care about), I sometimes think that I am harsher than I really am with my children. In fact, I think that most people, from the outside, think I am a gentle, patient parent. I am not some sort of angry freak.
8) I can do things to make myself feel better. I have made the kale smoothie tonight, ready to go for tomorrow morning. I plan to walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes tomorrow morning. I will write down my food in a food journal tomorrow. I actually had the wherewithal to plan a low-key birthday party get-together for myself for tomorrow evening. People who think I am awesome (the feeling is mutual) will attend. I will practice for an hour tomorrow. I will do at least one small but significant thing to advance my decluttering master agenda each day. ONE. SMALL. BUT SIGNIFICANT. THING.
Whew. Turning this ship around. I would appreciate and accept, dear reader, any good thoughts, prayers, vibes, or karma you care to send my way tonight and/or tomorrow and/or - let's face it - any day at any time. It helps keep me buoyant when I know that people care about my petty little struggles. Also helping is the fantastic news from the Supreme Court today. Because, my goodness, America needs a little good news. Love wins. Love wins.
My sensible, lovely, life-jacket-hurling friend also just gets me, as proven by her birthday gifts to me:
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Everybody below decks. We are turning this ship around. Will report later.
Thanks for reading!
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