Dear Reader:

I found myself trying out a coping mechanism during the last couple of days.   I was in a situation which was unpleasant, but I tried very hard to find positive things to focus on, rather than the glaringly obvious negative ones.   I did find a measure of solace in that.   There are, I think, very few dark situations that don't have at least a sliver of light in them.   I decided to bask in that sliver and it made the situation just a tiny bit more tolerable for me.   A good lesson.

I often find myself puzzled by the location of the thin line between obnoxiously cheery, manufactured optimism - a la "Pollyanna" (remember that didactic 19th century gem encouraging poor benighted children to play the "glad game"?) which basically seeks to nullify the darkness and real, authentic mindful attention to all aspects of a situation's reality, including all of its possible positive and negative aspects.    I am really trying hard to reduce my time online with those little internet blasts of pocket-sized encouragement or information or aesthetic contemplation, because I think they tend toward the former.    It's actually pretty hard because I am in the habit of consuming information rather voraciously, quickly, and in a shallow way of late.   I don't like it.    And, because of my general push towards positivity and FaceBook's creepy mind-stalking, I get a lot of ads and items in my newsfeed about empowering myself, feeling good about myself, taking control of my life, eating kale, doing downward dog, and other general life-coach-type-sanctimonious advice.    I even drank the Kool-aid so much that I decided to like a (unnamed - I don't want to be mean) page that dealt with meditation and dealing with relationships, etc.    After two days of constant posts by 20 something empath personality yogis who have been traumatized by relationships with narcissists about how to surround myself with the light of acceptance and empower myself with boundary setting and positive self talk and quinoa, I said HELL NO and "unliked" that sucker.   I'll admit that I kind of have a bit of a prejudice about life coaches.   I have not seen many (admittedly, I have not experienced a huge number of these people in real life) that don't give off the vibe that they are completely self-actualized people who are here to spread light and love upon the lesser folk like us.

Personally, I find comfort and guidance more easily from people who are struggling alongside the rest of us.   People like this:

http://www.vox.com/2015/7/7/8877041/losing-100-pounds

That guy is brave to admit all that.   And, I like him.   I'd definitely have coffee with him.  Heck, I'd probably kiss him, too!  :)   (Read the article and you'll see what I mean!)

And people like this:

http://ronisweigh.com/2012/01/my-weight-loss-a-ha-moment.html

This quote by Tara Brach really sums it up for me:

"You have a unique body and mind, with a particular history and conditioning.  No one can give you a formula for navigating all situations and all states of mind.  Only by listening inwardly in a fresh and open way will you discern at any given time what most serves your healing and freedom."

Honestly, I love that idea so much that I'm almost tempted to cross-stitch it on a pillow.   Come on, dear reader, that is SOLID GOLD.    Let me not be trapped by the "foolish hobgoblin of consistency," as Emerson put it.   Let me not fail to trust myself and my ability to know myself at this particular moment in time.    (A little aside - one of my favorite parts of Pride and Prejudice (yes, damn it, everything comes back to Jane Austen - EVERYTHING) is when Elizabeth reads the letter from Darcy and says that she "never knew herself" until that moment.    That is a character that is capable of change - yessiree - that is why she is SUCH A FANTASTIC CHARACTER - OK, I'm going to stop with the caps now).  

I was talking with a brilliant friend the other day (actually writing back and forth, but it felt like I was talking with her) and she mentioned something that I've been wrestling with lately - namely, as she put it - CLARITY THROUGH ACTION.    Her point was that we academics (especially) tend to want to weigh and consider alternatives and use logic and rational thought to get us to the point where we "feel" clarity.   But, interestingly, I've never felt more clarity than when I just jumped in and DID SOMETHING.   Playing the piano brings me clarity.   Thinking about how I should play a particular piece or how much I should practice, etc., does not usually do it for me.   I have to try it out.   Another case - I thought and thought and thought about having kids, but once I took action, everything seemed totally clear to me.   TOTALLY CLEAR.   When I think about teaching, I'm not sure I really love it.   When I DO IT, I am totally in love.   ACTION.

Anyway, I'm not ready to throw forethought and planning out the window, but I'm just going to try and wake up every day and DO SOMETHING to make my life more joyous or full or grateful.   Integral to that is doing things that allow me to take care of myself.   I've spent some hours in a hospital during the last day or two, and it reinforces for me that it is WORTH IT for me to prioritize physical/mental/spiritual self-care.   I am convinced that when my children see me doing this, they are internalizing the fact that it is something that they should do, too.

So, look at that.   I'm going all "life coach" on myself, but honestly, I'm the only coach I want to have.  Because it is my life.   Now, I would love all the friends and loved ones supporting me and holding my hand along the way that I can handle.   And, I can handle a lot of them, believe me.   Those, I'll take.    I have actually decided that it's time for me to quit therapy for a while.    I am very grateful to my lovely therapist who has helped me work on myself in recent months.   But, I think it is time to be with some of these life issues by myself.   I may come back to her, or I might not.   I shall remain open to what best serves me.

In the meantime, I am busy noticing lovely things like this:

I love Queen Anne's Lace.   So perfect and delicate and strong at the same time.   Lovely at this time of year.

I am also enjoying snarky things like this:

(Warning:  Do not view this if you dislike "bad" language.  Otherwise, enjoy.  I laughed out loud!)

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2015/07/fk-that-guided-meditation.html

And, lovely poems like this:

Maybe Alone on My Bike

I listen, and the mountain lakes
hear snowflakes come on those winter wings
only the owls are awake to see,
their radar gaze and furred ears
alert.  In that stillness a meaning shakes;
And I have thought (maybe alone
on my bike, quaintly on a cold
evening pedaling home), Think! -
the splendor of our life, its current unknown
as those mountains, the scene no one sees.
O citizens of our great amnesty:
we might have died.  We live.  Marvels
coast by, great veers and swoops of air
so bright the lamps waver in tears,
and I hear in the chain a chuckle I like to hear.

William Stafford

Because I thoroughly enjoy the juxtaposition of the sublime and the ridiculous - the inspirational and the hilarious, I offer these final two thoughts for myself and any one who finds them enjoyable.  This should cement my life-coach-for-one status.  Ha.

Thank you, as ever, for reading.   

PS - Happy Birthday to the great Oliver Sacks whose autobiography I am now finishing and for whom I have developed the affection of a kindred spirit.   What a fantastic human being!    

PS2 - Happy Birthday to my great friend, D., whose life I am privileged to be a part of and who is also the kindest soul that I know.   What a fantastic human being!