Dear Reader:

I recently read about this mindfulness exercise where you say to yourself, as soon as you wake up each morning, "oh yeah, it's a brand new day and I'm still alive!" rather than going through the list of things you have to do in that day or rehashing the things that you are worried about from yesterday.   I like it.   I'm going to try and do it this week!   I may have to actually yell it to get it to rise above my constant mental chatter, so it might scare the kids awake, but let's see how it goes!   :)

I made some decisions today.  I need to make some changes in my life.   I need to stop talking about my feelings about everything so much and just do some things.    Even if I do one thing or make one choice or move ever so slightly in one direction or another it will be a thousand times better than the usual torpor that I feel in mid-summer or more generally, that I have been feeling in mid-life.    Torpor is a great word, isn't it, dear reader?   Let's review what it means:   1) sluggish inactivity or inertia; 2) lethargic indifference; apathy; 3) a state of suspended physical powers or activities; 4) dormancy, as of a hibernating animal.     Yep, that can be me, especially in the summer when I have limited adult contact and too much time to think about how my life is going.    It is not one of my most charming qualities - this personal "rumination loop of doom" (yeah, I just made that up.   Actually, I got the "loop of doom" concept from this article - http://www.wisdomination.com/practical-discipline/ but I added the rumination part because it so fits me!).  

But back to the decisions:    I am going to officially go after this weight loss thing again.   I let myself get sidetracked by personal issues that attacked my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.   I am the only one that can do this for myself.   I am the only one who can believe that I am worth it and make it happen.   I need and want to take care of myself, no matter what else is going on in my personal life or my career or my life as a mother.    What other people think about me or, more accurately, my perceptions of what other people think about me are not important.    I need to do this for myself.   And, it needs to come from a place of self-love.   Self-love for the me RIGHT NOW.   Not for the me who will eventually lose the weight or not lose the weight or improve herself or not improve herself in the future.   The ME RIGHT NOW deserves to be taken care of.   And, if I stumble and back-track, I just need to dust myself off and pick myself back up and keep going at it.   (Channeling Leslie Knope right now.)

So, I have decided.   I am shooting for a long-term big goal of losing 80 pounds by December 2016.   That means I'll hope to average about 4.5 lbs. a month.    And, I'm going to try and do it by gently working in good choices and good habits on a daily basis.   Every morning when I wake up, I am going to try and start with a blank slate.    I'll pat myself on the back for every single damn good choice that I make and try to move on as quickly as possible from every unhealthy choice that I make, rather than getting mired in the "loop of doom."  Mindfulness and Action.

As the article listed above illustrates, however, there are two things that I can do to try and reduce my stress and get enough rest so that I am capable of making healthy choices.   Mindfulness and Tidiness.    I am going to rid my environment of distractions, slowly but surely.   I have already started a major push for decluttering and purging.   See the following results of just two days:

What you don't see is the three big boxes of books that went to my local library yesterday.  And, the 7 big garbage bags full of stuffed animals and toys and clothes that are headed to Goodwill tomorrow.   I've still got more garbage bags and boxes to fill in the coming days and weeks, but I am determined to get rid of physical things that are weighing me down.    To be honest, when I moved to this house when the kids were 6 months old, I left several boxes unpacked.   Those boxes are still unpacked - 6 years later.   They are going to go without me even looking at them.  I clearly don't need them.  

I am also going to get real with my finances this year.    I have not been great at planning for the future because I've gone through some pretty hard times as a single mother of twins (particularly with childcare costs) and, although I am debt-free at the moment, my credit score is not where I want it to be.   There were many months of not being able to pay bills a couple of years ago (that's actually the first time I've admitted that to anyone or anywhere - my financial situation has caused me sooooo much stress during my kids earlier years and I have blamed myself for not being able to budget well enough, etc.).   But, here's the deal.   It's a new day, and I'm still alive.   So, let's start over.   What I want is to feel confident about my retirement and my health care choices and that I won't be a burden to my children when I am old and infirm.    I need to work towards having enough assets to make that happen.   I would also like for my kids to be debt-free out of their undergraduate education, if at all possible.    I don't think they need to go to Harvard.   In fact, I'd rather they not go there.  So, one of the perks of being a college professor is an ability to offset the cost of college for your dependents with some tuition remission either at your own institution or one closely allied to it, in terms of organizations, etc.   I would also like them to have the opportunity to travel abroad when they are in college.   So, I need to save for their college (but probably not as much as others!).    I'd also like to feel like I am making some financial sacrifices for them, but not so much that I am only surviving life and not thriving or able to treat myself gently/well.   So, I'm not giving up those massages or the monthly housecleaning.  OK?   :)   And, we are going to take vacations to explore America while they are young.   We will have adventures.   And, they will get summer jobs during high school and college.   They will learn independence, hopefully from my example.

I want to know (by December 2016) whether or not I should plan on staying where I am, career-wise, or whether I need to make a move and go on to other challenges or types of work or different geographical areas or social circles where I can be more fulfilled/satisfied or have the resources to do more for myself and my children.  Or maybe I'll decide that I have all I need or want here.  I need to know whether I should buy the house that I am in or think about moving.   I need to think seriously about whether I want to look for and/or pursue different relationships and/or dating.   Because of this constant feeling of OVERWHELM, I have pushed all of these big thoughts out of the way and just tried to get by the best I can, but I think I have it in my power to get myself into a position of personal health and well-being that will allow me to make these decisions more effectively if I start doing small things day by day to build good habits and good self-care.    So, I'm not planning to make all of these decisions right away, but I hope to be in such a place by December 2016 that I will be primed to make these decisions with the right intentions and mental/physical/emotional resources.  

Less thinking.  More doing.   Which will eventually lead to better thinking.   Right?  :)    I am the captain of this ship and I need to stop giving up my ability to lead it where I want it to go.   And, now, I will retire that metaphor to its watery grave.......    

Anyway.   Sorry for the long call to action.   Just pumping myself up.    More later on the specifics of my days and my choices.  

Thank you, as usual, for reading!