Do you ever have those days when you want to express something and you just can't get it out? Like you want to let it leave your mind and your heart, but you just can't find the words or the sounds or the whatever to get it out of there? You know, that may very well be why I have made a life in the arts. There are things that I need to "get out" so that I can live freely and openheartedly. Or, maybe I am being way too serious here. Who knows?
Today, I had an experience that brought some clarity to something I've been trying to express to myself. There are occasions when my kindness toward other people puts me in a position to be hurt, sometimes repeatedly. I know, I know. This is not rocket science, Lisa. Being kind means being open-hearted which sometimes leads you to vulnerability. I realized today that I have a great need to avoid being unkind in a particular situation which causes me some pain. And, every time I am kind in this situation (which is consistent in my weekly schedule), I feel a little sting. Today's sting was a more than a "little" sting for various reasons. Now, in many, many cases, kindness brings me joy. I love being kind. I am often disappointed with myself when I am not kind. I think that kindness might be the best and most noble quality a person can have. I pretty easily fall in love with people who exhibit kindness. I am frequently touched by the kindnesses of others. So, it was a strange kind of revelation to me to feel as though kindness might have an emotional cost.
What am I going to do with this revelation, you ask, dear reader? Well, I don't know. Maybe it is enough to know that I had it. I can't see myself protecting myself in this situation by withdrawing my kindness. That would hurt someone else, who doesn't deserve to be hurt. I guess I would rather be the person hurt than someone else. And, surely, after more time (although I already feel like it has been an eternity), the sting will lessen. Surely.
Ah, I am still struggling for perspective. Still struggling against the inexorable pull of depression. Struggling fairly successfully, I might add. But, boy, is it a lot of effort sometimes. Effort and energy that I don't have in abundance.
So, I will need to channel all of these complicated, melancholy musings into obsessive engagement with art and music and books
. Because...
So, my latest obsession is Nina Simone.
Check out this re-imagined Bach chorale by Miss Simone:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6proYaAfwtM
This just blows my mind. I am committed to watching the Netflix documentary about her this weekend. I will also listen to all. of. her. songs. Or, as many as I can manage. Along with that, I plan to watch another "serious" movie - "Late Quartet" with Philip Seymour Hoffman and Catherine Keener and Christopher Walken about a string quartet's last performance of a late Beethoven String Quartet.
Speaking of obsession, I am loving this song (which my colleague reminded me of by his performance on Friday night):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHO6a2H-pqY
I really have loved Billy Joel for the longest time. (See what I did there? :)). This song is just remarkable. Sigh. "So, I will choose to be with you/That's if the choice were mine to make/But, you can make decisions, too/And you can have this heart to break." Good gracious. Isn't that what it takes, sometimes, to live life fully? An ability to choose to give your heart (and your kindness - see what I did there?) without hope or expectation of anything in return. Maybe you will regret it in the short term, but never in the long term - am I right, dear reader? This reminds me again of the ending of "Song of Solomon" where Pilate dies and her last words are "I wished I'd a knowed more people. I would of loved 'em all. If I'd a knowed more, I'd a loved more..."
OK. I need to rest and replenish my joy and sense of humor. They are still in there somewhere. Thank you, dear reader, for letting me write these things down and try to figure them out. It is a healing process for me. I will continue to strive to be kind. To others and to myself.
Thanks for reading.
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