Dear Reader:

Here are a few things that I am currently enjoying:

1) Triscuits and lemonade.   Yes, the combination.  Satisfying.

2) Looking at this recent purchase, upon which I have gently laid my feet.

3) The laundry in the house being mostly folded and put away.  So rare.  

4) These flowers which I got myself today because why not?

5) The memory of story time tonight when I started reading The BFG (we are taking a little break from Harry Potter after quickly dispatching with Book 2).  The giant had just reached in and grabbed Sophie from her bed when the author inserts himself to say:

"If you can think of anything more terrifying than that happening to you in the middle of the night, then let's hear about it."

Which caused my children to spontaneously erupt into a laundry list of terrifying situations out of the depths of their imaginations, both of them trying to outdo the other, eventually collapsing into giggles.   Interaction with literature?   PRICELESS.

*************

My enjoyment of these things is a tribute to my evolving ability to cope with increasing levels of insanity and stress in my life and work.   Things are swirling now.   I had a good cathartic cry last night.   Change is happening.   Loss is happening.   Some things are not going the way I had hoped they would go.  I have been exhausted by juggling snow days for the kids and work for me.   I often feel like this is me (which has nothing to do with the fact that I spent much of the years from 8-12 in a Wonder Woman costume - ha):

(Thanks for this image, M.!)

Here's the revelation:  I am not responsible for all of the things that are happening.  And, believe me, All.  Of.  The. Things. Continue. To. Happen.   I know what I am personally responsible for and, I have been focusing on the things for which I can reasonably feel agency.  For instance, I can read about Bartok for tomorrow's class and think about how to explain how he fits into the various stylistic trends in 20th century music.   I can make sure that my kids are ready to go to school tomorrow with the permission slips signed for the Bingo fundraiser this Friday.   I can continuing transcribing some interviews for an academic strategic focus committee.  I can finalize arrangements for rehearsals with my newly formed ATHENA quintet.   I can book some doctor's appointments.  I can do a restorative yoga pose before bed.

I can protect and value and honor my inner life.   Here's a fantastic Edith Wharton quote to that effect:

The only cure, dear reader.   The only cure.

Four people said or wrote lovely, supportive, and/or appreciative things to me today.   These small moments of kindness are the stuff that life is made of, dear reader.   I am so grateful for them.  I am decorating my inner house with these lovely words.  They help me realize that none of the stress and change is going to have lasting effects.   And, that my inner house is solid, whether or not I am falling apart or keeping it all together (ha!).

I've been thinking lately about how desperately we/I try to avoid falling apart.   Remember that China Achebe novel - "Things Fall Apart"?   It is inevitable.  I really think that I am getting better at realizing that I am not "exceptional."  I am not someone who doesn't "fall apart" or get angry or get stressed or fall into despair or feel the pain of uncertainty.   And, I shouldn't aspire to be.  Aspiration is good, but not when it keeps you from accepting who you are and how much control you have.  I am beginning to believe that stoicism is over-rated.   It is not always the most noble or honorable approach.   Sometimes, keeping a stiff upper lip and suffering through circumstances diminishes your spirit in ways that ultimately do harm to the people around you.   Ah, I don't know what I'm really trying to say here.  These are inchoate thoughts, for sure.   But, I did read this article today and it totally resonated with me.

http://www.vancitybuzz.com/2015/01/warning-hanging-in-there-destroying-your-health/

I have decided to stop Hanging in There.  I am going to try and loosen my stranglehold on the idea that I have to keep it all together.   Ultimately, I think this will have a liberating effect.

I received a gift today, unexpectedly, of a new creative work.  The creator signed it "To Lisa; with admiration, respect, and affection."    I can't tell you how unexpected and lovely that was.  Sometimes, simple words and deeds can have a profound effect.  It certainly lifted my spirits today.

So, life is good.   Spring is coming.   My love to you, dear reader!

Thanks for reading!