Dear Reader:

I did it!  Epic chamber music recital = CHECK.   Shoulders relax.   I feel a sense of satisfaction and a sense of relief.   I was feeling quite a bit of anxiety about this concert.   The music meant a lot to me.  The whole idea represented a lot of work on my part and a re-connection with a part of myself that needed some resurrection.   The repertoire was not easy for me to learn, given my busy life.  

But, here's what I am proud of myself for:  I heard the self-critical voices telling me that I should have spent more time practicing 5 or 6 of those difficult passages and that so-and-so would have played that passage better.  I heard it, and I ignored it, y'all.   I acknowledge those feelings and would certainly pay attention to the specifics of those voices if I play this repertoire again, but right now I am consciously focused on these feelings:

1) Gratitude to be able, in this crazy world, to work on something so beautiful and meaningful.
2) Comfort and ease and enjoyment in working with my fellow musicians.
3) Connection with a very responsive and supportive audience.
4) Acceptance that I was giving this performance as much as I could give it at this particular moment in time.  

I am also proud of my consistent concentration during this entire concert.   I was so, so tired at the end of the concert, but I held it together and FOCUSED the entire time.    Now, I will probably wait a couple of years or so to listen to the recording (kidding, it probably won't be more than 6 months or so - ha!).   Most importantly, this was a dream concert for me - I had ideas of this kind of concert for years and finally seized some opportunities to make it happen from beginning to end.

So, I am also feeling a huge resurge of optimism, perhaps partly due to this performance and all that it symbolized to me.   I am looking forward to a year of meaningful, interesting and fun work.   I am looking forward to meeting some new and different people in my new, more public role as the Director of an Arts Center.   I am looking forward to connecting with new and continuing students.   I am looking forward to finding new ways to take care of myself and my children.   My sense of possibilities for myself is opening up onto a wide vista.  

I don't know how long these feelings will last, dear reader, but I have just decided not to worry about the potential for anxiety and depression within myself.   Right now, I feel good.   I feel grateful and happy.   I will "kiss the joy as it flies" as Blake wrote, rather than holding onto it and strangling it.

I have a week to finish up the last bits of work related to my former Division Chair duties, finish up text for a new Arts Center season brochure, and begin working on fall semester course preparation.   I will start practicing for my September 30 duo piano recital (FUN!) and get my kids installed in second grade and gymnastics and soccer, etc.  

And, I am going to get myself a really cool writing desk at a store with repurposed and "renovated" furniture.   Check this out:

Isn't that awesome?   Just clean and full of tiny cubbies and an interesting light blue color.   Very mid-century.   Quirky.   I LOVE IT.   Also, it's about a gazillion dollars less than something I would buy at a typical furniture store.   I am imagining it with my laptop, a clear vase with one Gerber daisy, and a ceramic coffee mug with freshly sharpened pencils.   Sweet.   Maybe I'll write a new article on self-compassion, mindfulness, and piano practice/teaching on this desk.   Maybe I'll write a long, satisfying letter to a good friend.   Maybe I'll log in my Weight Watchers Smart Points or grade Theory I papers.    Maybe I'll finish up my sabbatical proposal for Spring 2018.

OK, I'm also going to eke out the most amount of summertime fun with my kids and by myself this coming week.   Time to watch the all female Ghostbusters or the new Star Trek movie.   I saw a movie this past weekend with my kids because, you know, they wanted to...   All I can say is that Christopher Walken (pet store owner called Mr. Purrkins) and Kevin Spacey in a movie about a guy (Spacey) who becomes a cat called "Mr. Fuzzypants" is extremely bizarre, hilarious, and awful and also guaranteed to make 7 year olds happy.  CRAZY CAT ANTICS, y'all.   Poor Kevin Spacey.  He must be going through some sort of career angst at this point.   Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

All right.   Time for bed.   Sweet dreams, everyone!

Thanks for reading!