It is the middle of Spring Break now, and I am watching a couple house hunt in Oslo, Norway. Those Scandinavians do so much well, don't they? Education, parental leave, health care, equal pay... But, there's no way I could handle the cold and the gray and the darkness. Just no way. I could visit to see the Northern Lights. For sure. But no way could I live with the gray skies.
I have been getting some things done at home and at work so far. Not too much relaxation yet, but just having the time to get some tasks done is luxuriant. I have made a bunch of health-related appointments. I have a check up on Thursday with my new nurse practitioner about what I suspect is a B-12 deficiency (I have had this before). I also need to check in and evaluate my blood sugar situation. I am fearful that I have crossed the line from insulin resistant and pre-diabetic into actual diabetes, but the good news is that I am facing this head-on and not burying my head in the sand (like I have been doing lately). It is time to assess and stop feeling fatalistic about it all. I also need to check in about my depression levels. I'm ready (I think) to talk honestly about what I might need to do to help myself feel better.
Why is it snowy and blustery and cold this week? Spring Break? Ugh. I want to get out on the trails a bit, but I am not getting out for long in this cold. This is curling up with a blanket and a good book weather. Luckily, I have a stack of books for just this purpose.
I've been thinking lately about how I tend to vacillate between a sense of gratitude and abundance and an anxiety and sense of scarcity. Same life, two different perspectives. I don't think I trust anyone who lives completely on one side of this spectrum. Sometimes, that anxiety/sense of scarcity is the thing which pushes you into action or alerts you to something wrong with your personal status quo. Other times, the gratitude/abundance mindset grounds you and provides you with a sense of contentment. Too far into the scarcity side and you slide into negativity. Too far into the abundance mindset and you settle into complacency (I do really think this is a thing... :)). I am starting to think that holding that paradox between the two is the process of living. One must be brave and recognize both the dark and light and not let either of them blind you.
Anyway, that is just something that I've been thinking of....I am certainly grateful for the abundant affection of my children, for a friend who sent me a card reminding me how awesome I was, for a friend who complimented me by saying that I was like a wise and witty Jane Austen heroine, for a student playing a genuinely expressive and heartfelt Haydn second movement, for a sense of meaning in my administrative work when I contract to bring exciting artists who use their art for social justice purposes to our little corner of the world. At the same time, I worry that I work too much and am too addicted to numbing myself by scrolling through social media and eating mindlessly. I worry that I can't seem to pull myself out of funks quickly enough and that I can't get myself moving and exercising even though I know it is what I need to do. I worry that I am not present with my children when we have time together. I worry that I don't have enough deep relationships in my day-to-day life to keep me connected to the world outside my head.
I worry and I am grateful. That's pretty much me. I hold that paradox and am mostly able to not let it overwhelm me. Nevertheless, I persist.
I am hopeful and optimistic that the doctor's appointments that I have scheduled will be a first step in jump starting my own feeling of agency about my own health and well-being. I am ready to feel better and to feel better about myself. I am working hard to talk to myself and think about myself as I would a good, good friend.
Tomorrow, I'm going to do a couple of work-related things and a couple of non-work related things.
Peace and love to all.
Thanks for reading!
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