Two Part Invention

Dear Reader:

My friend and I have developed this little check-in procedure when we haven't seen each other for a while. We may ask it in text form or in real life, depending upon how busy our days are, but it basically consists of saying "Mental Health Check? On a Scale of 1-10?" It comforts me, for some reason, to quantify my mental health this way. Today was a solid, respectable 5.5. I can't complain about that. Back in the "Month of Woe" (which is what I will hereafter call February 2015), it plummeted to a -8 or so. Record low. 10 is reserved for moments/days/times of great awesomeness and delight. You don't want to overuse the 10. I believe that we have a limited number of those, and we shouldn't use them all up too consistently. Occasionally, I am transported beyond 10 into the rapturous realm of 11-15, etc. That is an enviable place to be! I'm fairly sanguine these days if I can count on a steady 7.5 or 8. Lately, I've been holding fast in the 4-6 range. Not terrible. Not fantastic. These numbers are, of course, an average of the various mood swings that I may go through in a day. I like to think it's OK to have at least one "10" moment in each day. And, I am trying to write down on this blog when I have those "10" moments, because that act, in and of itself, actually raises my number by a fraction.

Today, I had two such "10" moments. One was walking along the Creeper Trail and listening to the rhythmic squeak of a tree bending with the breeze and the constant murmur of the creek down below the trail. I was thinking of something unpleasant right before that moment and then was suddenly able to focus on the ambient sounds and the sunshine and I smiled. "10" Moment No. 2 was while reading the last few pages of "A Big Red Barn" by Margaret Wise Brown this evening. I adore this book. The kids rarely want me to read it now because it is so babyish, but those last few pages while the animals are retreating to the barn, the sun is setting, and then "the moon sailed high/in the dark, night sky" and there's that little picture of the reflection of the moon in the water bucket right by the barn. The moon really is sailing, you see. It gets me every time. All the animals tucked up and sleeping. Sigh. Bliss.

Most discomfiting for me, lately, has been my tendency to wake up with a 3 or 4. This is a recent development. I am usually able to bench press my emotional well-being back up to a 5 or 6 within a couple hours of waking up, but it takes some strenuous lifting. I am trying to figure out how I can get back to waking up with a smile of anticipation. I remember the feeling of easy morning cheer, so I'm sure it will return one of these days. Another one of those pesky "let-time-do-its-thing" items.

The cleanse is almost over, and I really and truly have learned a lot about myself during this process. My therapist asked me, last week, how often I took time to just "be" and not "do." Good question. And, I realized (a couple of days after this question), that I am even trying "do" on this blog when I talk about my own self-care. It's like I am tackling the problem of taking care of myself by doing all the things to take care of myself. Weird. I am, in fact, rarely able to sit and "be." Yoga gets me the closest to this, but it is not foolproof. Certain people in my life make me feel like it's OK to "be," but these people, sadly, live rather farther away from me than I would like. So, I don't get to bask in the comfort of their presence allowing me to just "be" Lisa very often at all.

And, these issues that I have with food, I am beginning to see very clearly, are issues of the substitution of food for other kinds of care that I am craving. I'm just going to write this down right here. It's kind of scary to write down, so bear with me....

I want to be taken care of. (Sorry for the dangling preposition, folks, but that's the way I say it in my head). What an awful thing for a feminist to write, eh? But, really, it's not. Because we all crave those little intimate kindnesses and gestures from people we love who try to increase our comfort and ease? I am always so touched by people unexpectedly doing things for me. And, maybe I'm selfish (a bit), because I don't think I do it enough for other people. It wouldn't hurt me to do a tiny thing, now and again, for someone. Actually, I think I am being too hard on myself, because I do things for other people. I do. Recently, however, I became aware that I may be suffering from "compassion fatigue." I didn't even know that this was a thing, dear reader. I went through this online checklist that I found through the cleanse and found myself checking at least 3/4 of these items. 3/4!!! Check it out.:

http://www.compassionfatigue.org/pages/cfassessment.html

This is a condition most often felt by those who are caregivers. But, so many of these statements are so true of me:

I am uncomfortable when others do not see me as strong and self-sufficient.

When I make a mistake, I am extremely critical of myself. I find it hard to forgive myself.

My achievements define my self-worth.

I feel anxious in most situations involving confrontation.

It is best not to need others. (UGH. I know that's not true, but I totally say it to myself ALL THE TIME.)

I often feel "used up" at the end of the day.

I am willing to sacrifice my needs in order to please others.

I feel anxious when I am not busy. (Yep.)

I believe that expressing resentments is wrong. (Again, I know that this is not true, but I feel it often!)

I feel most worthwhile and alive in crisis situations. (That is uncomfortably spot on.)

In intimate relationships, I am drawn to people who are needy or need me. (Also, uncomfortably spot on.)

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Clearly, this has hit home for me. I have been writing about how I need to take care of myself, but I have not really believed it, folks. This is the stuff that, if I can figure it out in a visceral way, could help me manage this wellness journey ever so much more effectively. It does actually feel good to identify something about myself that may hold some keys to progress.

Of course, all of these statements have a flip side, lest I forget my recent forays into positive psychology....

I am compassionate and caring. I take good care of others. I am good in a crisis. I am a loving human being.

I just need to work on extending that care and love to myself in ways that are more profound. And, I need to find other people who can take care of me, too. I do not need to do it all alone.

I have just started a bi-weekly massage appointment (no. 3 is coming up next week), mainly because I think I need more touch in my life, too. I have realized that I have gone without touch (aside from my children's hugs - thank god for them!) and without that rush of oxytocin for a long time (I actually have some childhood issues around this lack of physical affection)....So, I am going to not feel guilty about giving myself these massages. I am a pianist, so it's all for professional gain, too, right? And, it's socially more acceptable than giving bear hugs to strangers in Kroger's right? :)

So, yes, a close, intimate, adult relationship is not in the cards for me right now, so I need to find ways to satisfy my cravings for physical/emotional comfort without turning to food. I am making progress.

Here are some images that make my mental health numbers start to rise for the moment. I hope they help yours as well, dear reader: