Dear Reader:

Spring Break.  I didn't feel like it was real until this afternoon (after my church gig).  Also, there was sun and warmth today.  I feel like a wilting flower who is making extreme efforts to lean toward the sun.   I walked around in my yard in a daze listening to the birdsong.   I even saw a bunny!   I felt like I was the sole survivor of one of those Armageddon type movies.   You may think I am exaggerating, dear reader, mainly because I have a tendency to exaggerate - ha - but this girl is depleted and running on empty, so the sun was a welcome symbol of the possibility of renewal.   And when I say empty, I mean empty.  It's getting to the point where the cumulative emotional effect of the last month (actually the last few months, to be honest) have brought me to the point of not having enough energy to properly and adequately feel functional.

Luckily, I have a week of no work to assist me in some renewal and replenishment.   I went to restorative yoga today and almost fell asleep - I hardly ever do that, so I know my body/brain is telling me to pull it together.   I did, however, have a green juice, and I felt super virtuous:

And, I did purchase some adult coloring books (which sounds kind of dirty, doesn't it?  Let's call them grown-up coloring books, shall we?):

This pattern is a beginning one.  The others look very pretty and complex.  I'm planning on making a ritual of some coloring and a cup of tea before bed each evening.    I'm also going to try and turn the electronic devices off for a lot of this week.   I know that I rely on them too much to help assuage my loneliness.   This cleanse (and some continuing therapy) has helped me understand a bit better how much I crave deep connections in my life, and how I use food and Facebook and all sorts of other things to fill that hole.   This is not to say that I don't have wonderful, rich friendships.   I have always been blessed with those.   It's just that I am in a stage of life where my non-traditional family status puts me squarely outside of the single crowd and the married crowd.   And so, because we, as a society tend to define and connect ourselves by these kinds of associations, it feels a little harder to ask for what I need from my friends in different life situations.   There's a great book that my friend, M., gave me a few years ago called "The Lone Pilgrim" by Laurie Colwin.   It's about a mature, single woman who always feel like she is operating on the outside periphery of other relationships and is always an observer participant of others' lives rather than a real participant in her own.  Sometimes, I feel like there are parts of that character in me.

Speaking of relationships and connections, I am becoming quite a fan of the poet Adrienne Rich, particularly for her insights into human relationships.   I just read this article about her thoughts on lying, truth-telling, and candour.   Fascinating.

http://www.brainpickings.org/2014/11/13/adrienne-rich-women-honor-lying/

"The possibilities that exist between two people, or among a group of people, are a kind of alchemy.  They are the most interesting thing in life."

"It isn't that to have an honorable relationship with you, I have to understand everything or tell you everything at once, or that I can know, beforehand, everything I need to tell you.

It means that most of the time I am eager, longing for the possibility of telling you.  That these possibilities might seem frightening, but not destructive to me.  That I feel strong enough to hear your tentative and groping words.  That we both know that we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us.  The possibility of life between us."

I am going to have to read this about a million more times, because I think there is something so important in her words.   Wow.

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I had a whole lot of plans for tomorrow, but I think I might need to pare that down, given how incredibly depleted I feel today.   A bit of sunshine.  Some napping.   Some reading.   I've got to get my mojo back.   I also will check in with myself and see if I am being too intense with this cleanse.  Maybe it's my body's way of telling me that I need to take care of myself in different ways.

I will say that I was able to go to a movie last night because my lovely neighbor is still a prince among men and came over to relieve me and give me some alone time while taking care of the bedtime rituals.   I went to see a guilty pleasure of mine - High School Teenage Girl movies.   Like the most formulaic with the girl who is a nerd or a weirdo who is totally in love with the popular guy and he doesn't notice her until she starts to transform herself, but he really does fall in love with her because of her and not the makeover.  No really.  And, she's got some nasty mean girl competition who constantly belittle her, but it all comes out right in the end after some ridiculous high school hijinks.   Yep.   Sometimes, I just need a little wish fulfillment.   It's ridiculous.  There's very little cinematic worth to these movies.   But I was smiling at the end.  And that was the point for me.  So my little diversion helped.   One cannot exist on Academy Award winners alone, can one, dear reader?

So, a little more sunshine and some birds singing and some bunnies in the back yard and some quiet time for my soul and some talks with some friends (in person or on the phone) and some hugs (I am a hug whore.  I will take them wherever I can get them :)) and I can get myself back to feeling human.  I'm sure of it.   Sort of.  :)

Also, there's things like this in the world to help me:

Happy Spring!
And, thanks for reading.