Dear Reader:

I just sat out on my back porch for a half hour watching the approaching thunderstorm.  Ominous sounds and sights.  I love watching thunderstorms.   And, I actually sometimes enjoy sitting on my front porch at night, watching the trains rush past and thinking about who or what might be on those trains and where they might be going.  There's something about a fast moving train at night.   But, if you combine the train and the impending thunderstorm, that's pure magic.  

I had another working Saturday today - adjudicating a piano festival in TN.   So, I arranged the Jenga Tower of childcare and got the kids ready for a soccer game and headed out.   It was nice to hear some piano playing and talk with some teachers and really interact with people who were not relating to me primarily as a parent, which is my default state, even at work, because my kids are always running around campus with a babysitter while I'm working in the afternoon.  It's hard to separate home and work life for me.  

But, I was tired and, for some reason, deeply melancholy when I returned home.  I'm afraid I wasn't able to give my children the attention they deserved today.   And, I made the mistake of trying to make them practice piano too late in the day.   Let's just say I will not be winning any parenting awards for today's events.   But, self-compassion.  Self-compassion is what I need to practice.  Sure, there are people in the world whose lives are in much worse condition than mine.  But, everyone feels struggle in this life.   I've been doing well lately, but only because I have been WORKING OVERTIME to get myself to feel OK.   And, today, I just wanted someone to pat me on the back and tell me that I was amazing and worthy and lovely and, if I wanted to wallow in my own self-pity, I deserved the space to do that.   Since no one was here to do that for me, I tried to do it for myself.  More or less successfully, I suppose.  

I finished Amy Poehler's autobiography today - "Yes Please."  Too many good quotes for me to get into this late at night, but it was further confirmation that she is my role model.   It was unapologetic and humble and she managed to talk about important things in a funny way.   Love her.  

I also might have stopped at a bookstore on my way home today and bought 4 books.   OK, I actually did that.   A modern re-telling of "Emma" (J. Austen) by Alexander McCall Smith.   A Buddhist-tinged parenting guide.   A call-to-action book by Sir Edward Robinson about how to change the status quo in public education.   And, a recommended read - "Where'd you Go, Bernadette?"  which is about a woman that just takes off from her life (maybe a little fantasy fulfillment for me? :)).   So, that bodes well for my escape route in the future - books, books, books.  

I'm thinking of doing something crazy like limiting my interaction with technological devices for month.   God knows I can't go cold turkey, but maybe I can not look at the phone/computer/Facebook/e-mail, etc., etc. more than once a day?   Maybe I can do that?   Maybe I can start exercising again now that my life is going to calm down to a dull furor?   Maybe I can spend hours at the piano?  

I've made some decisions about giving up some stuff in my over scheduled, over taxed life.   I have timelines for this gradual sloughing off of things.   Some work duties.   Some kid activities.   Some responsibilities.   Some actual stuff in my house.   I have high hopes for my ability to spend enjoyable time with my kids this summer.   And, some time with friends.  

I have three friends that are celebrating major life milestones.   One brilliant friend has just gotten a major job befitting her brilliance and passion.   It makes me feel satisfied just to think about how awesome she is going to be at this.   Another friend is winning her battle against cancer and is turning 50 this summer.   She has invited me and a few other friends to celebrate in NYC or Chicago.  That is going to be epic.  Another friend is going to have a baby any second now.  First child.   So exciting.   She will be a tremendously amazingly gifted mother.  

It makes me so happy to think of these lovely people having lovely things happen as a result of their own loveliness.  It actually makes me cry a bit.   So satisfying.  

OK.  I think I've exorcised the hard edge of my melancholy by writing this.   I'm going to go back out on the porch with a cup of tea for another few minutes.    Here's a lovely quote to make us all feel good:

And, because I've been a little bit obsessed with pictures of Earth from space lately, here's one from Apollo 11 - the crescent Earth:

Sweet dreams, dear reader!