Dear Reader:

How did it escape my attention that my last post was number 200?  Let the confetti fly!    Blogging is an interesting business, for sure.   These 200 posts have helped me to see that I think best by writing.  I work through problems better by getting words on paper than by thinking in isolation or by talking.   And, knowing that there are some people out there who find my musings valuable or interesting has given me a good measure of comfort and confidence.

I read a wonderful meditation today that I'd like to have printed and framed so that I can look at it every day:

"May you know the fearlessness of an open heart.  May you never meet anyone you consider a stranger, and know that no matter what, you are not alone.  May you have compassion for others' sufferings and joy in their delights.  May you be free to give and receive love."  - Sharon Salzberg

I think it is helpful to also substitute the word "I" for "You" in this prayer (of sorts).    Use "I" first, then send it out to "You."

Operation Steady At The Helm is going well these past few days - more or less.   I am embracing the philosophy of "doing the next thing" and trying not to worry about figuring it all out.   I really do have a tendency to want to plot and plan and resolve and work out every potential issue in every area of my life before I actually "do" anything about any of them.   I really, really, really, really struggle with uncertainty.   Interestingly, I also beat myself up terribly for having made "mistakes" in judgment or making what I deem "wrong" choices in the past - especially the recent past.   Apparently, I hold myself to a very rigid standard.  So, I'm trying to learn what Maya Angelou clearly figured out ages ago:

I would add - "But sometimes, just allow yourself to "be" and not "do"....


Some good choices that I have made in the past few days:

1)  I bought this sign for my office:

2)  I've been walking, walking, walking and had a 5 mile hike this morning:

Note:  I started off this walk feeling emotionally fragile and anxious and with all sorts of doom-and-gloom ruminations.   I decided that I would walk until I stopped feeling that way.   That was my goal.   I had no urgent appointments calling me off the trail, so I did just that.   Note to self:  You can actually outwalk your problems.   Ha.   Also, note to self:  If you do this, realize that once you have actually outwalked your problems, you will have to walk back...this might not be as comfortable or easy... :)

Note 2:  I want to take a "walking holiday" in the Lake District of England.   Mainly so that I can say that I've taken a "walking holiday" in the Lake District of England, but also so that I can see the place that Wordsworth wrote "Tintern Abbey" and visit Beatrix Potter's cottage.   I imagine myself with a walking stick and thick woolen socks and sturdy hiking boots and a notebook.   Seriously, dear reader, I NEED TO DO THIS.   I'm probably going to start planning immediately:

http://www.lakedistrict.gov.uk/visiting/localspecialities/famouswriters

Yes.  This will happen.  

Also, here's a pic from the walk with my crazy, curly hair - free from the headband:

I have decided that I am going to keep this length for the time being.  This messy, curly hair is now a metaphor for my messy, twisty-turny life.   I don't need it to be nice and neat anymore.  The mildly sarcastic smirk here is just a bonus for you today, dear reader.   Enjoy.   Ha.

3)  I stood for a full 15 minutes on the trail watching a spider actually spin a web in real time.  I don't think I've ever done that before.   FASCINATING.    I tried to take a picture, but it just didn't come out.  That's OK.  Some things are better left unphotographed.   Also, I sat down on a bench at one point before heading back in the opposite direction and three butterflies decided to perch and play right beside me.   One of them followed me for a while on the trail.   I like to think it was my little guardian butterfly or my spirit animal.    

4) I have been giving myself a pass on making plans for elaborate healthy cooking projects because I can do this in 5 minutes:

There is nothing wrong with this.  In fact, it's all sorts of right.  For me.  Right now.  

5) I joined match.com for a six month membership.   EEK!   I KNOW!   I have absolutely no expectations at all, except for some hilarious hijinks and some getting out there and meeting people outside my social circle.   I expect it to be something of a farce, but it should be good fodder for some interesting stories to tell friends.   And, bonus, in the first few days, 10 guys have let me know they are "interested"!    Ha.   Ego boost.   I mean, most of them are Harley-driving, no-baggage-please, looking-for-a-lady-to-treat-like-a-princess sort of guys (i.e. that is not happening...) but hey!   New distraction!   (I'm being all jaunty about this, because, you guys, dating is awful.  Dating at my age is ridiculously awful, so I'm just going all Leslie Knope on it.   Whatever.   Let's have some fun!  If I end up extremely happy and content to be single at the end of all this, then WIN-WIN!)

6) I gave my little girl some ownership of some choices today and bedtime was SO SMOOTH.  Thank the lord.  No really.  Thank the lord.  

I am going to go meditate now, y'all.   Operation Steady at the Helm carries on.   In about two weeks, it'll be back to work (which, honestly, I think will be the best thing to happen to my mental health.  Feeling useful and engaged with work and colleagues and students will keep me from sinking into the summer torpor....).   Life continues to be good.   And, better yet, I feel that in my bones during some moments of the day.   One step at a time.  

Thanks for reading!