Dear Reader:

My kids' pediatrician and I have had a long and fruitful dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship.   Today was their well-child check-up and, yet again, I walked out of that office feeling like I was one of those parents that needs remedial parenting instruction from some social service agency.

Honestly, I do not know why I haven't been able to break off this relationship.   I go into that exam room and my children start acting like monkeys (actually, let's be real - they continue acting like actual children forced to sit in a small waiting room with nothing to do for 45 minutes).   The doctor comes in, pauses, looks at my children crawling on the floor or bouncing off the walls, judges me backwards and forwards and up and down and then proceeds to tell me that children need boundaries and consequences and structure and less sugar and less screen time and more milk and broccoli and showers every night and wholesome exercise and great literature read aloud and chores and responsibilities and oatmeal for breakfast and starched aprons and ascetic rooms with just a bed and a broom to sweep the floor and a Book of Common Prayer on their bedsides and......OK, I'm getting a little fanciful here.   But, then she takes me through their growth charts and looks ever-so-surprised when their BMI and height and weight seem perfectly normal (although my boy is going to be a giant - no doubt - 90th percentile) and then she notices that my son has a habit of clearing his throat which I think is allergies.  She immediately asks if my family has a history of Tourette's Syndrome and mentions that this might be a neurological tic.  Or, you know, it might be allergies - oh, yeah, it looks like probably it is allergies since his throat looks a little red from drainage.   But, before we move on, she mentions again that I can never be totally sure about the kids' health because, you know, we don't know who their father is.   I mean there is a whole black hole there about one half of their medical history (although there is a reasonably complete medical history from the donor).

Ah, craziness.  Anyway, this doctor is a competent medical professional.  But, she's clearly got a narrative about me (maybe about everyone who walks into her practice) and every time I get out of that office, it takes me about an hour to re-establish my own narrative about myself as a parent.   Which is, basically, that I'm doing all right.   Seriously.   I'm OK as a parent.   The best parent in the world - yeah, probably not.   But, solidly OK.   My kids are happy and healthy and know that they are loved.

So, speaking of narratives, I've been thinking even more about how the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves create our self-image.   I had a conversation with a friend the other day where we discussed how sometimes, when life kicks us in the ass, we realize that we are capable of things that we didn't think possible.   Both positive and negative.    Like we all have certain things that we value, right?   For me, kindness and compassion are high on the list.   Also, emotional and intellectual honesty.  These are characteristics that I have woven into my own image of myself - things for which I strive and for which I want to be identified.  But, there are times under duress (or not) where I have realized that I am fully capable of not embracing those things.    I have blind spots.   And, there have been days when I have not done the kind or compassionate thing or been emotionally or intellectually honest.   It just like that moment in P&P when Elizabeth Bennett realizes that she "never knew herself until that moment"....  (I know, I know - stop talk about Jane Austen, Lisa!)

Anyway, I am now comforted by the thought that I do not embody these qualities.   I am not courageous.   I am not truthful.   I am not kind.   I am not honorable.   I STRIVE FOR THESE THINGS.   And, sometimes, I achieve them.   And, sometimes, I understand more fully their complexities.   Which means that my story about myself does not need to break down and splinter when I do not achieve these things that I value.   I just have to pick myself back up and keep showing up and trying to move towards those things...

To bring this concept to bear on my body image/weight issues, let me put this out there.   I have created a narrative/story about myself that basically says that I am incapable of weight loss or healthy living.   How can I change that narrative?   It's deeply imbedded.   Well, what if this narrative is one that I have created and is in conflict with some other narrative about myself - namely, that I am creative and insightful and optimistic and able to accomplish good things?   None of these things ARE me.  They are just things that I have decided to value or to work towards....  Can I decide to change the story that I've constructed about my weight?   Yes.   I think I can.  But, it's going to take A LOT OF WORK.   I need to keep showing up for that work.   And, just love myself through the process even when my actions don't match my self-story.   I need to choose the story that will bring me to the better place.   I know what that story is.   I do.   I just need to choose it.

OK.   I've been writing this all while I watch the farcical circus act that was the GOP Primary debate. Talk about crazy narratives.   You guys, what kind of world are we living in?    Just WHAT?

Tomorrow, I'm going to paint some kids' rooms, and get on the treadmill, and eat some food that is satisfying and good for me, and maybe continue musing (but not ruminating) about all of this, or maybe not.

Thanks for reading!