Two Part Invention

Dear Reader:

I don't mean to say that I really, really like autumn, but....

I am a sucker for seasonal marketing right at the beginning of every season. And, I do love fall. It is my second favorite season (SPRING is unassailably the tops!). I adore that little chill in the air. Not too cold, but enough to make you want warm, comfy socks at night and a jacket when you are outside and a nice cup of tea (or coffee - I'm totally sure that that Starbucks "FALL" coffee will make you feel like you are eating the essence of acorns and colored leaves and pumpkins and dried cornstalks). OK, maybe that doesn't sound so good, but I love the idea of it all. I am, however, not so far gone that I'd say this is OK:

I mean, who was the guy/girl who sat around, late at night, drinking cognac (Mad-Men-Style) and coming up with this brilliant idea? It bewilders me. Ha. Nothing wrong with a good dose of bewilderment, now and again, I suppose.

So, my schedule has blasted off into crazy-land fairly early in the semester. I am trying to schedule in self-care on a daily basis, so that I don't go off of my rocker with all of the things that need doing. Yesterday, I hosted one of the monthly meetings of my "coloring collective" - a group of women who like to relax and chat and drink wine and color. Nice. This weekend, I possibly have a friend who is coming in to enjoy Bristol Rhythm and Roots festival with me. If he doesn't end up coming, I plan on taking myself out on a date to stroll around and hear some music. Next week, I plan on going (with another friend) to see "Far from the Madding Crowd" in the Arts Array Film Series at the local cinema. 19th century British novel movie adaptation? YES, please! And, next Thursday is our opening event in the new Arts Center, after which I will party late into the night with all of my excellent colleagues. So, self care. Also, I try to find some time alone and not desperately trying to either "get things done" or "improve myself"....

I am still on match.com and feel rather OK about just occasionally making contact, both virtual and actual, with people, here and there, and not feeling pressure to do anything I don't want to do. I won't pay the fee for it forever, but I'll wait out the six months. It is, refreshingly, just a little diversion and not an obsessive kind of activity for me. As I mentioned in my blog post of a couple of weeks ago, I do not plan to "sparkle" on demand. If someone likes me, they like me. If they don't, they don't. Que sera sera.

I have also parted ways with my therapist - for the time being. She was extraordinarily helpful to me. But, I am now feeling as though my conversations with her were just re-hashing issues and items that I already explored as much as I could with her. I have more to learn about myself, but for now, I can do that on my own and with friends.

I will say that I have learned (imperfectly applied, of course - I keep trying and refining) to recognize when I start to feel anxiety build up in me. I don't think I was conscious of it before. And, my 40s and parenthood have brought me many more reasons to feel anxiety, it seems. Just today, I started feeling it well up in me and threaten to strangle and smother my attention and presence. It actually did overwhelm me for about 20 minutes, but at a certain point, I just said to myself - "Lisa, what is this feeling you are having? Where are you feeling it?" And, I laid my hands, palms down, on the desk in front of me and closed my eyes and breathed and, while the feeling didn't disappear, it became more clear to me and I recognized that I didn't have let it take over. It wasn't as big as I thought it was at first. So, I am here to tell you that practicing meditation and presence and mindfulness, even for a few seconds or minutes a day, can have a profound effect on your mind. Profound.

One of my gentle sources of pleasure these days is the time that I spend with each of my children as they get into bed and start drifting off into sleep. I love their precious, little confidences. I love to hear them talk about their day. I love the way that my daughter likes to play with my hair and arrange it in crazy curls and ponytails. I love the way my son likes to just let me lay my head down beside him and quietly sing a lullaby.

I am also really digging into some piano teaching and music theory teaching this fall. I have some new students that have really re-lit my fire and passion for finding ways to communicate through teaching. I hadn't realized how much I was going through the motions with some somewhat unmotivated/uninterested students. I mean, I always try to give my students the best of myself in lessons, but when you are pretty sure that they are only responding positively because they like/love you as a person and not because they are totally psyched about learning piano, you tend to lose a bit of steam. The GREAT benefit of having three or four fantastically curious and musically passionate students is that my excitement and pleasure at teaching them spills over into my other students' lessons. I have more patience and more ability to connect with what I think is wonderful and important about playing piano with all of my students. So, YAY for being reinvigorated as a teacher. My students clearly do as much for me, if not more, than I do for them!

All right, I have to make a handout for a lecture I am doing tomorrow on, of all things, Motown! :) Also, I have to create a rubric for grading research papers and read a chapter for my afternoon class. Also, laundry, so that my kids won't have smelly socks at the soccer game tomorrow evening.

But first, I will leave you with some photos of my good eating choices today: