Dear Reader:

Whilst perusing the inter-webs this afternoon, I came across a little article advertising a position for a schoolteacher in a remote region of the Scottish Highlands.   This is a place that is far away from anything and everything and, apparently, the school - which caters to about five schoolchildren - has seen a few candidates come and go.   None have had the emotional and physical stamina to handle life in such a remote area.   Just a few families who grow their own food and live off the land without the comforts of modern existence.  

http://mentalfloss.com/article/68560/remote-primary-school-scotland-looking-new-teacher

I totally fantasized about this position for a good 30 minutes.   Ha.    Yeah.  There's pretty much no way that I could handle it.   But, the thought of fleeing my current level of busy-ness and midlife crisis overwhelm (and, yes, I just made "overwhelm" a noun, dear reader) was appealing.    I have noticed that planning little or big "get aways" almost always increases my contentment with my current circumstances.   That seems counterintuitive, doesn't it?   As I have counseled colleagues in the past, there is nothing like the perception of life options that calms a person down enough to see their current circumstances with more clarity.    So, here's a list of confirmed, probable, and possible and possibly impossible get aways for me:

Early October 2015:  Baltimore Conference.  Confirmed. Bonus:  Swanky Hotel.  Not paid for by me!
November 2015:  Beach Thanksgiving.   Confirmed.
May 2016:  Trip to South Africa.  85% Confirmed.   Whee!!
Summer 2016:  Visit friend in Cleveland.   Totally just thought of this.
Summer 2017:  Grand Canyon with kids and brother and family.  50% Confirmed.
December 2017 or December 2019:  Travel to Italy with kids.   Along with art professor/art students.   Totally possible.  The question is whether the kids should be 9 or 11....
2021:  Solo trip to England.   Walking tour of the Lake District.   Also, London, Brighton, Bath, Cambridge, a plethora of literary sites.    I'll be 50 in 2021.   Seems like a good plan, right?   Kids will be 13.   They can stay with friends or go to camps or something, right?   Right?  Right?   I just want to soak in the landscape until my Anglophile heart is full.  

Also, I'd like to go to Glacier National Park and Yosemite Park with the kids.   And, Hawaii.   I mean, who doesn't want to go to Hawaii at least once, right?   Also, maybe 2 or 3 trips with the kids to NYC?    Also, possibly, Australia?  Galapagos Islands?  All right, I'll stop.   For now.

You know, if even a few of these items pan out, I'll be a lucky woman.   Ha.   I am a lucky woman.   A lucky, fortunate, good woman who has been feeling yucky and fat and unattractive and less-than-stellar lately.   My schedule is crazy.   My life is crazy.   Parenthood is hard.   I feel sort of isolated and a little bit stagnant, professionally and personally speaking.   I am whiny.    I haven't gotten enough exercise.   I've gotten a ridiculously minimal amount of exercise lately.   I've been eating poorly.    I've been having negative thoughts.   Mostly about myself.   And, about how several things broke my heart last year.   And, how I haven't bounced back from those things the way I really, really wanted to. And, how I know what I should do to get myself back into the sunshine, mentally/emotionally speaking.   But, how I've been just surviving.   I'm not in the worst of the shadow right now.  But, I'm not getting enough light.   Or water.   I really should be hydrating more.

Well, there you go.   Hydration aside, it is good for me to imagine myself as an intrepid traveler and moving myself out of my usual rut of work and home to find myself again on some travels.   But, I also really feel the need to get myself a plan to take care of myself more compassionately on a daily basis.  Why, for instance, do I not just decide to take a long walk/run tomorrow morning?   I don't have a class until 11am.   I have a list of things to do.   But, I can drop the kids off at school, run/walk for an hour, get a shower and still have time to cross off one or two things on my list before class.

To tell you the truth, dear reader, I'm not particularly worried about my self-esteem.   I don't think self-esteem is my issue.  (I've recently read some articles about new psychological studies documenting the failure of the "self-esteem" movement to create more happiness in individuals - of course, I've been reading a lot about all sorts of psychological studies that turned out to be not worth much, so maybe I should stop reading psychological studies :)).  I think that I crave connection and presence with myself and others and that I don't allow myself enough of either of those things.  I have become better at mindfulness and gratitude, but I have viewed those things as "add-ons" to my daily life rather than THE POINT OF MY DAILY LIFE.   I think that's where I've been going wrong.   I'm still going to pursue my 30 min. meditations on a frequent basis, but I am going to try and view all sorts of moments during each day as opportunities to practice mindfulness.

Anyway, I will continue to show up to this "wild and precious life" as much as I can, dear reader.   I am going to consider getting back on Weight Watchers to give myself some outside structure for my eating.   I am going to strong-arm some exercise back into my life in the coming weeks.

I'll keep you updated, dear reader.    And, I'll try to be more inspirational (for myself!) when I can find that inside me.   Until then,  I'll just try to be honest.

Thanks for reading.