OK, after Tuesday's post which had the discouraging news that I had gained 3 lbs., I have some better news today. I checked out the scale this morning and it was down by 2 lbs. from the last check-in on Tuesday. So, this means that I have only really gained one pound after having indulged for two days in Asheville. At least, that is what I am choosing to believe. And, really, if there was real justice in the universe, that liquid truffle that I ate while on my mini-vacation should have caused me to gain 5 lbs. And, frankly, it would have been worth it. So, here's me eschewing my bad feelings about it all. Eschew. Eschew. I feel like I need a Kleenex now. :)
Also, everyone who knows me knows that I cannot remember song lyrics. I just remember tunes. But, during the last two days, I've been listening to a Regina Spektor CD that I got a gazillion (read: 13) years ago. And, the fourth song on that CD (yeah, an actual vintage CD) is entitled "On the Radio." I strangely found myself paying attention to these lyrics towards the end of the song:
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
Then try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some -
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again.
OK, there are a few things that I absolutely love about this. First of all, these words project the idea that there should be no sense of judgment about all of the things that begin and end in life. You just allow them to begin and end. Secondly, it promotes the idea that love (for yourself and for others) is something that YOU CREATE rather than something that happens to you. Wow. I need to think about that for a while. Because, I like it. Creation is hard work. So, creating love for yourself and others is hard work. Right? So, by extension, one should not feel bad that there are stops and starts and struggles within the process. One should NOT FEEL BAD about not always loving oneself well (this is a key problem for me). OK, then there is this sense that your love of other people starts with your love of yourself. Yeah. I'm on board with that. And, then the song brings it on home by saying that you'll put yourself and your love into someone else's life and you'll hope that you and your love won't come to harm, but even if you and your love do come to harm, you just DO IT ALL AGAIN. Let's all just take a couple of days and ponder that. Whew. Maybe I should listen to song lyrics more often.
OK, on to inspiring thing no. 2: I quote Parker Palmer and Brené Brown all the time because their writing and their thinking has always deeply resonated with me. Well, Palmer posted a poem about being "lost" on his FB page today which I will not quote here, although it is a good one (David Wagoner is the poet and it is entitled "Lost"). The main line that he focuses on in his meditation on the poem is this: "Stand still. The forest knows/Where you are. You must let it find you." He discusses feeling "lost" in his life and says that "My job was (and still is) to get past the panic that comes with feeling lost; to calm down enough to open myself up to life; and to trust the life process - trust that it will find and lead me - if I keep my eyes and ears open and am willing to follow." When he talks about feeling "lost," I think he is talking about that state of mind and heart that I have always called "out of grace".... You can think of Grace as a biblical/religious concept originating with God and you can also think of it as a state of being that seems purposeful and in tune and in harmony with other people and with your environment, both physical and emotional. Whatever way you like to look at it. Those "winning" days that I described a few posts back are times when I feel "in grace." The losing days are the ones where I feel "out of grace." When I look at a picture and see only the faults in my body, I am "out of grace." When one of my friends tells me that I look beautiful and I believe it, I feel "in grace." I think the key for me is not to let the fluctuation between these two states feel like a personal failing. It is just part of life. And, I can take some steps to try and move toward being "in grace" when I feel myself veering the other way. By keeping my "eyes and ears open" and "being willing to follow" inspirational thoughts such as the ones that I've outlined here.
OK, enough of my ruminations. A few good tangible facts: 1) I have completed my 10,000 steps with the fitbit for three days in a row. 2) I did 40 minutes on the elliptical and a full hour of resistance/weight training yesterday morning. 3) I did 40 minutes on the treadmill this evening. 4) I cooked a meal that was extremely healthy this evening. And, it was tasty. 4) I cleaned a portion of my house this morning. 5) I did a lot of laundry which means that I don't have to do laundry for at least 5 hours. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 6) I enjoyed playing in the rain with my kids this afternoon/evening. 7) I practiced a lovely duet part (RAVEL!) for my piano students' recital on Sunday.
IN GRACE, dear reader. IN GRACE. I will enjoy it while it lasts. And, I will continue trying to create love for myself by treating my body with respect and appreciation and healthy actions. Some days will be better than others. Such is life.
Total calories consumed today: 1846
Total calories burned today: 325
Breakfast:
Lunch (out with a friend - a bit decadent - also, included half of a grilled cheese and a small bowl of pineapple/canteloupe/melon):
Dinner (look at the greens - yes, they are under a smidgen of parmesan cheese!):
Now, on to enjoy the rainy evening, a cup of tea, and a good book.
Thanks for reading!
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