All right. I have to admit that I've been struggling to keep my head and heart in equilibrium recently. And, it has caused me to be less than vigilant with taking care of myself, physically. This is a pattern with me that I try my best to break, but I think maybe the pattern comes about because I have expectations about the way I deal with emotional adversity that are unrealistic. Perfectionism strikes me in unusual ways these days. I expect myself to be stoic. I expect myself to not feel insecurity or resentment or pain about things over which I have no control. And, when I feel insecurity, resentment, and pain, I am disappointed in myself. And, this is something that I have trouble sharing with my friends. This disappointment. Because when they tell me that I have no reason to feel disappointment in myself (which is really what a friend should say in this situation, am I right?), I then feel disappointed in myself for feeling disappointment in myself. You can see what a crazy-making web I'm weaving here, can't you, dear reader? So, my reaction is to isolate myself somewhat from my friends and try to appear "fine." And, that isolation results in me curling up in a fetal position for an hour every day for the last week or so while my children watch Scooby Doo. And, then, I feel guilty because I haven't been engaging with my children because I am so wrapped up in my own emotional life. See. Perfectionism. It is deadly. But, look. I did write it all down here. And, as I re-read this paragraph, it strikes me that there are some serious disadvantages to being as hyper-self aware and emotionally intelligent as I am.
So, I am back to learning some lessons that I've had to learn about a gazillion times during this process. And, I am trying to bring my sense of humor back to life after the last couple of weeks. It's on life support right now, but there are signs of recovery. And, I am a little bit desperate in my attempts to cultivate gratitude. I'm not sure that it's a good thing to be desperately grateful, but maybe it is. And, I took a long, long walk this morning - like almost 2 hours - with a friend. And, I bought the ingredients for a green smoothie to eat tomorrow. And, I'm trying to not be filled with guilt about the fact that it is taking me a huge amount of effort right now to act like I feel normal. And, I am trying to forgive myself for not being perfectly calm and tranquil and content. I think the thing is that I was feeling Just Right for a couple of months earlier this summer. And, now that feeling is gone. And, I wish I had it back. But, I am somehow not sure that it is coming back. And, I know that no one can actually give me that feeling. I have to find it in myself.
So, anyway. I just blogged about it. And, I am going to take one moment at a time. A day is too long, and I go through too many mood swings in one day. And, I think I am going to reconnect with a therapist, because, you know, it's just good to have someone not a friend or family member to talk with....
And, then I'm going to try and look at the sky and my children's faces and find funny jokes on the inter webs and start planning vacations. And, I am going to be gentle and modest about my weight loss goals right now, but I am not going to ignore them or suppress that area of my concern while I am under emotional stress.
And after all, dear reader, when you can walk out on a random Friday evening into your backyard and the scene is this, life does have some pleasures left. Right?
And, here's another pretty picture to make me feel happy:
As always, dear reader, thanks for reading.
"And now that feeling is gone. And I wish I had it back." This is the worst feeling. It's like fumbling through darkness. But you have to just walk through it, bumping into things, until the lights come back on, because they will.
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