Dear Reader:

I made a list today.   A list of the main things that I have been struggling with for the past few months.   In my humble opinion, lists are beautiful gems of usefulness.   They distill.   They are succinct.   They do not allow for over complication (you might imagine that this is refreshing for me!).    They tell it in the simplest way.   And, they are a call for action - not necessarily action as in things to do - although I've made plenty of those kinds of lists - but action, in this case, to step back and see the proverbial big picture.    Here's what this list told me after I left it sitting on my bedside table for a few hours and let it simmer (of course, this is taking the form of another list - bear with me):

1) I have been struggling with some big life things.

2) It is admirable that I have continued to function as well as I have while grappling with these big life things.

3) When people I know and love have struggled with these big life things, I have been in awe of them for their ability to survive and work through these things.  

4) I should be patient and gentle with myself because, seriously and objectively, grappling with big life things is something that, frankly, a lot of people AVOID.    Because it is scary.  

5) But, I am certain that it is scarier to avoid grappling.  

6) So, I am coming back to the conclusion that I am, in fact, an awesome human being.  A flawed and crazy human being, for sure, but AWESOME.    Because I refuse to ignore the big issues.   And, I face them - even though, seriously you guys, sometimes I just want to pretend they don't exist and maybe eat some curly fries and have a milkshake and maybe go see a comedy about how everything always turns out well for good people and then believe that everything will magically turn out good for me no matter what........

Um, anyway:

I've been doing a lot of reading over the last few days - 3 essays, about 10 poems, a couple of chapters of a novel, a new blog.   I've also done some listening:   Schumann Fantasy,  Mozart Piano Quartet in G minor, Sarah Vaughan.   I'm starting to fill a bit more filled up.  

I discovered this fantastically inspiring lifestyle blog - a mother of two who is in her early forties and lost 75 lbs. over the course of three years.   The things she says resonate with me.  Here's a handy-dandy chart that she shared on her blog:

Yeah.  That's about it for me.  Although, I've always been skeptical about diets.   I just think that every new surge of planning for the next healthy movement in my life is going to solve ALL MY PROBLEMS.   I am startlingly naive for such a smart person, aren't I, dear reader?    Well, one of the things that the writes about on her "how I did it page" on the blog is that she had to get over this cycle that I currently find myself in -

"Stop letting one choice define the next."   THAT ONE SENTENCE JUST ENCAPSULATES ME, dear reader.   Talk about coming face to face with yourself.   She goes on:  "Own it.  No one is perfect.  NO ONE.  And a diet isn't either.  Accept what you eat at every meal."    ACCEPT WHAT YOU EAT AT EVERY MEAL.  Geez.  Yes.  Right.   Why do I have so much trouble with this?  Why do I let the little unhealthy choices completely derail me?  

Anyway.   It was somehow cathartic to read these simple words that seem to describe me, and to see someone who has worked hard to get herself out of the cycle.   Someone who is successful.   Someone who has a job and two kids and a relationship to maintain.  Someone who forgives herself and is not just cheerily and psychologically constantly sunny ALL THE TIME - or who is pretending to be - is anybody really that way?  

OK, to wrap this up for today, let me list the ways in which my life is big and beautiful.   It's always a good idea to remind myself of this.   Maybe I need it on post-it notes on my bathroom.  (I think I'm actually going to do this.  If you come to my house, you are forewarned).

1)  I have two fantastically happy, joyous, curious, loving and awe-inspiring children.  Seriously, I won the lottery on this one.

2)  I have a wonderful mother, the dear memory of a wonderful father, a fantastic childhood to remember, and two upstanding brothers who are good people.

3)  I have the BEST FRIENDS OF ANYONE.   In the world.  Or the universe.  Or other universes.  Deep, rich, good people.   Who love me.   And, keep me engaged with life.  

4) I have had fantastic teachers (you've read my recent posts - I won't add anything to that) and I have fantastic students - really interesting and amazingly insightful people.  

5) I have SOOOOO much music left to make.   I have things to say, artistically, both at the piano and
in writing.  

6) I have SOOOO much left to read.  Plays, poems, novels, essays, blogs, articles, letters.   Thank god.

7) I have a SENSE OF HUMOUR.   Dude.   This.   Is.    What.   Keeps.  Me. Going.

8)  I have a desire to be kind and compassionate and open and warm.    Many times, I succeed at this.

9)  I have more than enough money to get by in life and thrive.   I have a house, a car, a piano, books, food.  

10)  I have a body that has nurtured the two award-winning children mentioned above, can allow me to explore the gorgeous part of the planet that I live on, and that keeps me tied to the intense pleasures of the senses.

All right, you get the point.   I'm giving myself a pep talk.  It's my blog.  I can do this.  You probably stopped reading after about two points of the first list...  Ha, ha, ha.  

I am ready to restart.   I have a stockpile of restarts left in me.   Tracking points and steps will recommence tomorrow.   I will prevail and fail because that's what we humans do, but neither of those things will affect the great things that I know I have in my life.  So there.   :)

Thanks for reading.