Dear Reader,

I would give a rather significant portion of my paycheck or trade a tiny part of my soul to be looking out this particular window at this particular scene right now.   OK, maybe not a part of my soul - but it would be awfully tempting.   I suspect that the sound of some ocean waves would be remarkably therapeutic for me right now.   In fact, I just spent the past 10 minutes messaging back and forth with a friend about planning a beach vacation next year and enjoyed looking at some rentals.   

It's been almost a month since I've written anything on this page and there are several reasons for that.  Probably most importantly, I felt like I needed to reboot myself and figure out if I was blogging for the right reasons - namely, because it is a mental and psychological and emotional outlet that helps me process things during my journey towards self-care and self-fulfillment.   I think that this remains true and healthy for me, and I'm ready to get back at it.  It's interesting to me that I've never felt like keeping a journal, but that this public space has been very appealing and has seemed safe to me.   

I will admit, dear reader, that I have not been doing well lately.    My emotions have been very, very close to the surface (kindergarten transition for my kids, looming work deadlines, various personal challenges) and I have been feeding them - literally - with emotional eating.   I have jumped off the wagon.   I have still been exercising frequently (although not every day), and I do feel as though I am not sinking into total disregard for my health as I might have in the past.  But.... most disturbingly, I have been having very negative thoughts about myself and my body.   And, while I recognize, intellectually, that I DO NOT WANT TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD,  I have been, in fact, GOING DOWN THAT ROAD.  I'll not bore you with the details.  So, I'm trying not to blame myself for having these thoughts and have been trying to find ways to not DWELL in them.  Because that is always the root of all evil, isn't it?  Dwelling in negative thoughts?   And, I'll tell you what.  Things like this do not help:

If you can't read that, dear reader, it says "The Julie Fit (Our Curvy Fit):  If your waist is smaller but your hips are curvier"   Wait, what?  Like the woman in the photo.  That's curvy?   Great.   (Insert angry statement about cultural body image oppressiveness here).   I clearly need to get onto the Web Gallery of Art and key in Rubens and spend a couple of hours looking at some of those paintings to detox from this wonderful shopping experience in Raleigh.

So, if you see me in the next few days, dear reader, tell me, specifically, how awesome I am.  OK?   I'm not above asking for it.  :)   It will help.    

And, as usual, I have a plan and I'm going to tell you about it:

1)  I have contacted two "sponsors" (a la Alcoholics Anonymous) that will receive daily brief emails about my eating and exercising and thinking.  These people have agreed to be on call via text if I have a crisis involving Krispy Kreme donuts or exercise avoidance or crazy all or nothing thinking.  They are two of my fitness heroines and have both worked through significant challenges, health-wise, in the last year.  And, they are sort of crazy just like me.   OK, maybe not as crazy as me, but still not super cheerful and complacent about being fit which is really the only thing that gets. on. my. nerves. at the moment.  Thanks ever so much, S. and M.    You two are my council.

2)  I will continue to blog twice a week about various wellness/spirituality/emotional well-being/random thoughts and rants.   

3) I am using next week as my time to purge and throw away a lot of stuff and rearrange my house into a more comfortable space.  Simplify and beautify.  I know that I've talked about how the state of my house affects my mental/emotional well-being.   And, I've felt as though I am barely keeping my head above water when it comes to staying on top of the stuff and the clutter in this place.   It's affecting me.   I moved here 5 years ago (the kids were 6 months old) and there are still 6 boxes that I never unpacked.  And, things just pile up on spaces.   Most of it just has to go.  Seriously.   I almost feel like I belong on an episode of "Clean House" or "Hoarders."   And, I NEVER used to be like this.  It's not OK.   I'm bringing in the big guns.  My Mom will arrive on Sunday and stay through Wednesday.  She excels at this.  EXCELS.   That woman can clean and purge like a professional.   

4) After I clean and purge, I am rearranging things.  The treadmill goes in the piano room (work related stuff).   I am intending to get a few pieces of art framed - these are things that have been in my closet FOREVER.   I am organizing my bedroom to make it minimalist.   I need to be surrounded by beauty and things that mean something to me.   

5)  I will rejoin Weight Watchers on August 17.   I need something to keep me focused and accountable for a while.   

Sigh.   I hope, dear reader, that I'll be able to shake off this depression effectively before I see you in print next.   If not, I'll just keep trying to treat myself as well as I can and see if I can get back to enjoying and cherishing the moments of my life.   History tells me that I have the ability to regain perspective!

Thanks for reading.