Dear Reader:

The Onion is brilliant, in my humble opinion.  But, this particular article really raises the bar for things that seem absolutely perfect to me:

http://www.theonion.com/article/man-gets-life-in-order-for-36-minutes-2884

Right, dear reader?   36 minutes where everything is in order?   No thoughts about past failures and the nature of your existence?   Dental Insurance?  Dirty Dishes?  That kind of thing is exactly what I would love to go for in life.  36 minutes of peace and tranquillity.  Brilliant.   Brilliant.  

Well, short of that kind of complete self-actualization, I suppose I could make some smaller, more realistic goals.    I realized today that I have not had a massage, gone to yoga class, or taken a walk on the trail OR around campus since the beginning of the semester.   August, I tell you.   I am not surprised that I am feeling the stress and the encroaching hand of depression more acutely this semester.   Add to that several very emotionally draining situations at work and a general feeling of "meh" in regards to my own personal life and we've got a situation here.   A situation that needs to change.  

There's not a lot in life that I feel certain about, but one thing that is totally crystal clear to me is that Jane Austen is a complete genius.   This is not a surprise to my dear readers.   I spend a probably unnecessary amount of time thinking about which Austen heroine reflects me and my life at any given moment.   A little more than a year ago, I was feeling very Elizabeth Bennet-like.   Confident, sparkly, strong-minded.  Extremely self-aware, but pretty sanguine in my hopes for the future.   That began to morph a bit into Elinor Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) a few months ago.   I have always suspected that my set point, in terms of personality, is Elinor.   Sensible, responsible.   Lots of emotional layers, but realistic and devoted to friends and family (devoted with the heat of a thousand suns).   Lately, though, I've definitely been extremely Anne Eliot-like.   Here's the quote that really hit home with me recently - "Anne, with an elegance of mind and a sweetness of character, which must have placed her high with any people of real understanding, was nobody with either her father or her sister; her word had no weight, her convenience was always to give way - she was only Anne."  Anne is extraordinarily intelligent (perhaps the most intellectually and emotionally astute Austen character) but is disappointed and melancholy and is completely undervalued and under appreciated by many (not all!).   It is no coincidence that she quotes "some few of the thousand poetical descriptions of autumn" in a time of high stress.   She exists in that troublesome crossroads of regret and desire for something to provide optimism.   Anyway, back to how Anne is my fictional doppelgänger....

In the past several weeks/months, I feel as though a few people have said things to me that would not have dared to say to others (for fear of contentious rebuttal) because they felt assured that I would react graciously.   I am a nice person.   I was complaining to a friend yesterday that I do sometimes feel like I am "too nice" and he told me that I shouldn't try to change that because the world needs more people like me.   And, I do agree, I suppose.   What I wish to clarify for people, though, is that kindness and nice-ness is NOT WEAKNESS.   Because I really do get the feeling that most people think this.  And, because I am someone to whom people are drawn to reveal things about themselves (I am serious, dear reader, this is a thing about me.  There is no doubt.   It is a thing.), they also seem to feel as though I exist to somehow absorb all of the angst and stress they are feeling.   Well, people need to be disabused of this idea.    One of the things that I like about Anne is that she regrets some past decisions, but she does not blame herself for those things.   And, while no one is listening to her because of her quiet kindness, she is not afraid to say exactly what she thinks, even when it means that she may lose standing with those she cares about.   Case in point:  she quietly refuses to cancel plans with her friend to join her family in obsequious flattery to a rich relation.  Also, she regrets having been persuaded to reject Captain Wentworth when she was 19, but she also accepts that, given the situation, it was absolutely understandable that she did so.  And, she loves Wentworth without abatement, but still sees that his resentment about her earlier rejection is misguided.   She is kind and loving and generous and also kind of a self-contained bad-ass when it comes to sticking to her principles.   A kind and generous bad-ass.   That's it.  

Anyway, I am going to strive to be candid with people when they say things to me that I think are selfish or self-absorbed or lacking in awareness or understanding, at least as it involves me (personally or professionally).  I probably won't become a caped crusader against those sorts of shenanigans when they are directed towards things that are really none of my business.   And, I hope that my friends would call me out on the same sort of craziness, and that I would take that graciously.  

But, I will not change my approach to dealing with people and conflict.   I am a nice person.   I like to find solutions and to achieve compromise.  People who are willing to bend and remain open to changing their minds about each other and themselves are the kind of people that I want to engage with...if you are not that kind of person then I am going to set up some boundaries for myself with regard to you.  That's just the way it is.  

I am almost at the point where I am going to pack up the car and head to the beach.   I can't tell you how much I wish this semester was over.   It's just been grim and relentless.   Two more weeks and then beach.  Then two more weeks and then I am done for the semester.  

I am going to book a massage at the end of this week.   I will go to a yoga class or take a walk on the trail this week.   I will do this!

I know that I haven't been very interesting or inventive with this blog lately.   But, I am using it to help me channel some of my thoughts.   I imagine this is more interesting for me to read, at this point, than my outside readers.   I am keeping it real, at least.   I am not trying to shake off the melancholy and desperately chase happiness, nor am I trying to wallow in the melancholy.   I am just acknowledging it, as well as those golden moments of joy and connection.    Coming back to the present moment as much as I can.

Thanks for reading.