Dear Reader:

Well.   Now that Halloween week (or is it really a month now?) is coming to a close, I can get started on the birthday preparations (Nov. 10 - age 7!!!).   Also, after tomorrow's masterclass things will calm back down to normal levels of unsustainability rather than holy-crap-how-did-all-of-these-things-get-on-my-plate level of unsustainability.

You know that when I am tired, dear reader, I resort to lists.   So, here are a few things I've learned these past few weeks:

1)  It is imperative that my schedule lighten up and include some personal space.   IMPERATIVE.  I am going to exert some ironclad control over my schedule next semester.   I am going to make plans to do more things that sustain me and energize me.   I am going to make plans to do less things that drain and exhaust me.   The pendulum must swing back into the "reasonably good for mental health" range.

2)  I am reminded, again and again, that I am uncomfortable with conflict and with difficult conversations.    I am reminded, again and again, that my fierce desire for integrity and honesty and openness requires me to deal with conflict and difficult conversations on a regular basis.   This is a really uncomfortable state of affairs,  dear reader.    I am sometimes not very proud of my attempts to make everyone feel comfortable at the cost of integrity and honesty.   But, I am proud of my willingness to see my own weakness in this area and to work on it.    And, I am trying to forgive myself for not being able to have that view of the 1300 difficult conversations that life was throwing at me this week.   Seriously, life.   One at a time, please.   One at a time.

3)  Higher Education, and particularly higher education in the form of small, private, semi-liberal arts-ish colleges are in an extremely precarious position at this point in the cultural history of the United States.   This causes faculty and staff at small, private, semi-liberal arts-ish colleges to feel a great deal of anxiety and stress about the future of such institutions and, in effect, the future of employment at such institutions.  This causes a lot of conversations to happen.   (See No. 2).

4)  It is OK for me to focus maniacally on maintaining a mood set point that is somewhat higher than oh-no-here's-depression-staring-me-in-the-face-again.   If that means that I put off my 500 separate goals for weight loss and healthy eating and exercising and just focus on one goal - getting out of bed each morning and functioning during the day like a rational adult and, you know, parenting - then SO BE IT.  SO BE IT, I tell you.   I know that healthy eating and exercise will help this.   I do it occasionally, but until I start feel my head above water more consistently, this girl is just going to SURVIVE in style until such time as I begin to THRIVE.   (Cue "Eye of the Tiger" theme here)...

5) There is MAGIC everywhere to save me.   EVERY-FREAKING-WHERE, dear reader.   Case in point:  Last night a bunch of kids (including mine) threw some glow stick necklaces/bracelets up into the tree in our friends' yard.   It was pretty amazing to see all of the glowing colors in the trees in the pitch-blackness of the night.   My daughter dragged me outside to see and said - hands on hips - "Mama, this is magical!!!!    And, KIDS DID IT!!!!"   What a fantastic moment.   KIDS DID IT, y'all.   Bet you didn't think that kids could make that kind of magic all on their own.   Well, I am here to tell you.   THEY CAN.  I saw it last night.    And, this afternoon, I heard a GREAT artist at the piano (the piano that I picked out on the stage that will be my performing home -well, at least as long as I have this job! (See No. 2 and 3)) make some absolutely heartbreakingly gorgeous music.   I was truly moved.  Brahms Op. 116 - Intermezzo in E minor.   Schumann Nachstücke.   Breathtaking.  Breathtaking.    My goodness.   A 59 year old human in Germany in 1892 wrote a piece of music for piano that a 29 year old human from Russia played with exquisite sensibility and communicated directly to the heart of an 44 year old human from America on an instrument handmade by about 20 pairs of hands in Queens, NY and assembled out of wire, metal, and wood.    MAGIC.    Case closed.

So, I will leave you with two inspirational thoughts shared with me this week:

1)

2)  The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
finger and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Thanks for reading!