Dear Reader:

I went swimming today.   During my lunch hour.   In an empty pool.   It was very, very good.   I have not been exercising in recent months.   Last semester was like a vortex of evil sedentary stress.   And, I was so depressed that I couldn't even make the effort to take care of myself in that way.   Well, folks, that was last semester, which has the distinct advantage of being over and done with.    And, no amount of my self-criticism and shame about not doing enough will do any kind of positive good.   So, I start anew.   And, today was a good day to start.   It turns out that I really do love swimming, and my worries about having enough time to swim and change in and out of clothes in the middle of the day was needless.   I had more than enough time to walk over after class, change, swim for 40 min., change and walk back for a lesson.   No problem.  I may try to squeeze in more than the two days that I have allotted for swimming.  

I have this idea that I should be the type of person who loves to run or do Pilates or get on the Stairmaster for hours on end.   I have lots of friends who love these things.   And, it has helped many of them lose weight.   But, as I am trying to stick to the path of radical self-acceptance, I have to admit that the physical activities that I enjoy the most are swimming and walking in the outdoors and yoga.   I am not as fast as my avid swimmer friend.    I do not hike up mountains.    I don't enjoy Power Yoga.   But, I am determined not to let these things matter.   Because I should be able to give my body what it enjoys right now, in terms of physical activity.  And that, dear reader, is two or three weekly 45 minute lane swimming sessions in the college pool,  2 or 3 walks on campus or on the local trails by myself or with friends, and one gentle flow yoga class a week.   These things make me happy and get me moving right now.   So, I will do them and not think about increasing my time or making speed goals or anything else.   My goal is simply to get moving in ways that my body and mind and heart respond to as enjoyable.   This, I feel, will turn into sustainable lifestyle choices for me.  

I am flip-flopping on the Weight Watchers decision.   I do have a desire to track my food and get in the habit of reading labels and thinking about the amount of carbs, protein, and fat I am eating.  I have a desire to wean myself from my processed sugar addiction.   But, this program I am following online  - "Smaller Size, Bigger Life" - has a lot of early work that deals with some serious psychological reframing of how I interact with food.   I am journaling quite a bit about this and trying to turn my surprisingly hitherto unnoticed negative self-talk around by recognizing it, forgiving myself for having it, and substituting positive self-talk.   I think this is really important work before I start to really double down on the types of food, amounts of food, and characteristics of the food I want to eat.   I am using my Skinnytaste meal planner as a tracking tool, but without all the numbers. The program suggest that I not follow any kind of "diet" during this initial phase.

I have had some increasingly paranoid thoughts about my own health recently.   I have experienced, in recent days, some numbness in my fingers and it sent me into a tailspin of anxiety, as you might expect.   I have also had some aching joints and muscles.    I went in for my first massage since last August this past week.   I felt horrible afterward, and I think it was my body just releasing a lot of the anxiety and stress that had built up.    I am better now.   I suspect the intermittent numbness has to do with my computer use and my sleeping positions (I often curl in my wrists).  However, I am keeping an eye on it and will force myself to go to the doctor if it continues to bother me.  

Because, listen.   I feel like I have let this depressive lack of exercise and healthy food interaction suck me deeper into the hole of depression than I should.   And, I am trying to figure out why.  But, I know that it is a vicious cycle.   So, I've got to get moving.   And, I've got to squeeze in healthier choices here and there.  Right now.   And, I've got to write down those healthier choices.

I want the sparkle back in my eyes.   I want to really treasure each of these wonderful days with my exuberant children.   I don't want to be tired.   I want to take on things that give me joy.   Even if the atmosphere in my personal life or my professional life is full of angst and stress and darkness, I need to shine my light on my own self.   I can't save anyone else.   But, I can save myself.

So, back to the pool it will be.   I love that feeling you get when you are underwater and everything slows down and you feel like you are light and full of motion and a part of something constantly flowing....  

Keep moving, dear reader.   Keep moving.   I will do the same.

Thanks for reading.