Dear Reader:

Whew.  These last couple of weeks have been up and down.  I've had many days that started out like crap and ended up OK and several days that started out great and ended up a big disappointment.   I really hate disappointment, dear reader.   I think I suffer from this delusion that it is possible to attain a life without disappointment.   I mean, I don't actually believe that - intellectually.   But, my level of disappointment (sometimes) when things don't work out is sometimes intense.   Summer is always too rife with rumination for me.   Apparently, if I am not totally overwhelmed and in overdrive, I ponder life's disappointments a bit too much.  Ha.  

Anyway, my new job adventure went off the rail a bit when I realized that it was not going to work out the way I thought it would.   There was some "misunderstanding".... (Yes, I did use that set of quotation marks very consciously there. Imagine a very sarcastic over-the-glasses look).   But, after deciding I was going to move to Alaska and give up the academic life for salmon fishing, I climbed back down off that limb and came up with another solution (Plan B) that might get me to the new job adventure in a slightly less drastic way.    Call me the Solution Seeker.   Fingers crossed that I won't be disappointed again.   This new plan could, potentially, rid me of some soul-sucking aspects of my current job, keep the well-loved, invigorating parts of the current job, and help me learn some new skills and give me some creative new challenges.  And, I could be making more money for a couple of years.  Which could loosen the constant knot in my gut about financial matters.  Could be a win-win.  Or, I guess, I could be disappointed again, decide to move to Australia and then come up with Plan C.   One or the other.

In the midst of all this job turmoil, I have felt pretty poorly about my ability to take control of my health and body image issues.   I backslid, folks.  I feel pretty low about my body.   I need to lose 100 lbs.   I need to feel better.   I need to exercise.   I have been feeling nothing but futility about my own prospects for improvement in this area.   It's just total paralysis.   So, I went ahead and joined WW.  I have tracked my food intake for two days.  And yes, there are some problems.  But, I took a baby step.  And, I will keep putting one foot in front of another, even if it involves trudging.  If I can't quite believe that I deserve to take care of myself, I can at least see that my kids deserve a mother who takes care of herself.  That should keep me moving towards self-care until I believe it, right?  

I went to yoga today for the first time in MONTHS.   How have I let that go by the wayside?   I know it makes me feel better about my body.   I felt it during class.   My body was like - WHOA.  WHOA. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?  WHY HAVE YOU BEEN IGNORING ME?   Yes, body.  I have been trying to ignore you and pretend you aren't there.   I'm sure that many more years of therapy will not plumb the depths of the reasons for this.   But, baby step #1.   I went to yoga.   Even if I did feel judged by the twenty something in the corner who had "no use for savasana" because people have "things to do and can't waste time taking a nap" and who obviously thought I needed to work out a couple more years and lose some weight before I came to class again.    Whatever, young girl.   When you are in the middle of your 40s and pondering your own mortality and the depth of paradox in the world, you can talk to me.   Until then, leave me alone to my own devices and go conquer the world, will you?  

I have a bike pump and I need to use it to pump up the tires on that bike that I bought last summer and have only used twice.   So, baby step #3:  I will take a bike ride on the Salt Trail in the next week.  

Still working on the self-compassion, dear reader.   It's been a rough week on that front.  I think there is a distinct disadvantage to being so aware of one's feelings.   I see myself reacting poorly, according to all healthy psychological principles, to events of life.   And, then I heap the blame on myself for reacting so poorly when I understand what the better way to react is.    It's just absurd.   It's like I'm meta all the time.   I'm tired of analyzing my feelings, folks.    I am going to try and just act and do stuff.  Baby steps.   And, not micro-analyze where my feelings are coming from or where they are going.    NO MORE RUMINATION.   Because blah, blah, blah.   Sometimes, you just have to practice the beautiful passage enough to get the notes and not always think about its profundity.  Right?   Right.   Thanks for that validation.   Ha.

OK.  No pretty pictures for this post.   Just me hitting a low point and deciding to just keep trying as best I can.   Oh, to be 20 years old again and not burdened by existential questions and disappointments.    I was probably just as insufferable as that yoga skeptic this morning......   Nah, not that insufferable.   I was a pretty awesome 20 year old.

Well, carry on, dear reader.  I will do the same.

Thanks for reading!