I am currently stress-eating Cheez-its, which, admittedly, is marginally better than stress-eating Swiss Rolls or tubs of Cool-Whip, right? I don't know exactly why (hormones? too much sibling strife at home during this transition to summer time? Issues going from doing everything and too much and all the time do having one or two things that really need to be done but no real urgency? Too much freaking rain and not enough sun? Losing track of passwords and passcode and having technology access problems and keyless access to my vehicle problems? Existential angst? All of the above?) but I have felt out of step today. Like everyone is going along left/right, left/right in a pleasantly rhythmic cadence, but I am in an irregular time signature and am hopping on one foot. I've been annoyed at everything and everyone today and, most likely, everyone and everything has been annoyed with me. Ha. Sigh.
So, I read three things today which helped me persist through the day (which I am beginning to see this one of the points of my adventure here on Planet Earth - persistence):
1) In an article about seeking meaning outside of career and educational achievement, there was a quote from Erik Erikson about middle age being all about vacillation between generativity and stagnation and that the work of middle age was to resolve those opposites. It made me feel like I was engaging in a struggle that all other humans engage in and this lessened my feelings of disconnection and alienation - which I am beginning to recognize as pretty regular companions when I experience stress - in small or large ways. Hmm.
2) I read an excerpt of Thich Nhat Hanh's new book (coming out June 6 - so excited) "The Art of Living" and this excerpt just calmed me the heck down:
"We want to understand ourselves, the world around us, and what it means to be alive on Earth. We want to discover who we really are, and we want to understand our suffering. Understanding our suffering gives rise to acceptance and love, and this is what determines our quality of life. We all need to be understood and to be loved. We all want to understand and to love."
3) Sally Yates, my current nominee for most admirable human being on the planet, gave a graduation speech to Harvard Law School grads which contained this gem:
"Taking a risk means that you have to be willing to be wrong. And that can sometimes be a lonely place to be, but I am hoping that fear of being wrong won't keep you from acting. Because inaction, doing nothing, simply going along - that's a decision, too. And, it seems that the times in my life that I haven't acted - that's when I've regretted it the most."
Mic drop. (I really, really love her and her sanity and her competence and her eloquence and her self-actualization. Could she adopt me? Mentor me? Be my boss?)
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I have been thinking about my emotional resilience lately. I don't think I would have said this a couple of years ago, but I really think this is an area in which I am weak. I get knocked down by things like romantic misadventures or stray comments or criticisms or anger from other people or disappointments in myself or my friends or my acquaintances or doubts about my parenting. If the emotional intensity of the event is high, it takes me a LONG time to get over it. Sometimes, years and years. And, I have, in the past, really made it worse for myself by smacking myself down, intellectually, for being so "affected" by events like these. It is still my default setting. But, I am trying to turn things around. It is OK to be "affected" by things. It means I invest myself in relationships and I like to know people deeply and have them know me. And, I can build up more emotional resilience with mindfulness and self-compassion exercises. I think this resilience issue is the source of what I consider to be a pervasive high-functioning depression that has been my companion for about 15 years.
So, this is long and rambling. But, I'm trying to be brave and stay with my feelings, whatever they are. Even on days like today when I am "out of step."
And, I managed to have a great hour of playing board games with my kids today. And, I saw a sweet mother duck and her newly hatched chicks outside my office today:
That little one burrowing in her mother's feathers is totally me today! I am with you, little chick!
And, I made a healthy dinner last night:
So, kudos to me for persisting, dear reader. Be curious. Pay attention. Be kind. Those are my mantras. Breathe. :) The world is, despite it all, beautiful.
Thanks for reading!
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