Today was a doozy of a day. I actually had to recuse myself from this day because my mind was filled with all. the. things. in the world, and it felt a bit too much. So, I skipped out on work and went for a walk on the Salt Trail in the late afternoon.
There were birds singing, you guys. I really, really think that spring might actually be here. There was nary a soul in sight as I walked for about an hour. It wasn't a real power walk. I was just trying to quiet my mind, so I was strolling. But, it felt wonderful to be outside and away from everything and everyone for a brief time. This reinforces the idea that I need a weekend of solitude away from my daily life SOON. Plans must proceed apace! (Asheville!)
As I am cruising toward the end of the semester, I am reminded that the academic life is definitely the one for me. I love the cycles of it. We push toward the end of the semester with great intensity and a feeling that we are doing important work (mostly). I had a student give his successful junior recital hearing yesterday and another student presented the work of her honors thesis tonight. I was proud of both of them - these were significant achievements. It connects me again with that feeling of purpose in my teaching and gratitude that I get to witness curiosity and confidence come to life in my students. And, there's a bit of sadness at letting students go at the end of the semester, but a sense of closure and the anticipation of a summer to allow myself to fill up again. We wipe the slate clean at the end of the semester and know that a fresh, new start is possible at the beginning of the next semester. Satisfying, I tell you.
And, clearly, this year has been a year of some significant personal growth for me. I took the year off from being Chair of the Division of Visual and Performing Arts, and it was a conscious decision to do so. I wanted to focus on making myself, my health, and my pianism the focus for a while. I have learned some significant things about myself this year. I am a bit worried about going back into the administrative fray next year, but I am hopeful that I can retain some mindfulness and gratitude and continue to reaffirm that making myself a priority is a smart, healthy thing to do.
So, I've got lots on my mind. I'm thinking about all sorts of things. And I have a sense that I may take some new directions in the near future. My kids are going to kindergarten. I am going to continue this weight loss journey, even though I feel like I'm in a rut right now. And, I think I'm ready for some other things in my life, too. I'm ready to re-engage with parts of myself that I've let just fade away. It's exciting and scary. So, I just needed to take a walk today. And, I needed to read these words about discernment (remember how I love that word, dear reader?) from Parker Palmer today:
"Discernment is about sorting out the stuff of life - the experiences we have, the people we walk with, the "signs and signals" we pick up - by asking good questions about their meaning and importance in the living of our lives:
* Is this my problem or does it belong to someone else?
* Is this something from which I can learn, or have I already been there and done that?
* Is this life-giving for me and those around me, or is it death-dealing in ways small and large?
* Is this something that I can give myself to, or must I let it go?"
I want to find things to give myself to - I really do. And, I want to start that process by giving myself back to me. I watched a TED talk video yesterday. It was a talk given by a neuroscientist who rather depressingly pointed out that dieting and/or weight loss really doesn't work because we all have a "set point" of weight that our brain thinks is the right one and when we gain weight that set point increases, but it tends not to decrease. Like ever. I saw a darkly humorous comment on a comment thread related to this talk where the person said - "Great. Now, I can just put the gun to my head." But, then I listened to an NPR story about the value of curiosity (describing this engineer who spent five years reproducing Vermeer's painting "The Music Lesson" in his own house to determine whether or not he had used a device similar to a camera obscura to make his painting seem hyper realistic.) The upshot of this story was - the journey is SOOOO much more important than the destination. Spend your days and hours feeding your curiosity, and you will likely have much more joy and much more success in life. So, I think I'm going to try and put these two thoughts together and realize that the journey of self-love and self-care is the most important thing - not the destination of some "perfect" weight or some "perfect" psychological state. Maybe my set point will not waver. Or, maybe it will. But, I'll learn a lot about myself along the way. And, I want to reaffirm that one of the reasons that I am doing this wellness initiative (see, I'm already talking like an administrator again...) is so that I can reach a point where I am so aware of my body and what it needs that I eat and exercise MINDFULLY and INTUITIVELY in a healthy way.
I'm not going to count the calories consumed or burned today. I'm not going to check in on the scale numbers. I'll get back to that next week. But, I just needed to reaffirm some things for myself today. Here are some pics of my food today:
And, here's a random picture of a pretty English cottage. I daydream quite often about living in a place like this. I need to get working on that application for faculty exchange with a University in the UK. Ha. It's spring, dear reader!
Thanks for reading.
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