OK. I'm already tired of coming up with clever or not-so-clever titles for my blog posts, so I'm back to the basic letter format. Most of the time, I come up with the title, then write the blog post, then discover that the title really doesn't fit anymore, but I'm too tired to change it or come up with something better. Back to the old tried and true for me, dear reader.
The sickness that I've been crossing my fingers against (it's been swirling all around - according to one internet source, I live in the most flu ridden part of the country) has struck. Not my kids, thank goodness. But, whew, I have been down for the count. It came upon me on Monday afternoon when I was starting to feel like this John Singer Sargent painting:
That seriously could be me, except for the yards and yards of satin. Then, it struck full force on Monday night. I stayed curled in a fetal position yesterday after making Herculean efforts to get the kids to school. (Aside: I also watched "What Not to Wear" for a couple of hours in afternoon, reminding myself of why that show was SO GREAT. I'm just sad that no one can nominate me for it now that it's off the air except for reruns. Afternoon TV: such an exotic delicacy.) I also spent a couple of hours WALLOWING in self-pity. Good gracious, there is no one more tedious than me when I am sick. All of the dark spectres of my brain come out to dance around in my head. I'm usually fairly sanguine about my life circumstances, dear reader, but give me a good virus and it is all doom and gloom. DOOM and GLOOM, I tell you.
After sleeping about 16 hours straight, I decided I was totally fine this morning and marched back to work. Probably not a good idea. Taking the 1/16 mile walk up to the administrative building this afternoon made me feel woozy and weak. OK, to be honest, just standing up from my office chair made me feel woozy and weak. And, heading to church choir practice felt insane. Apparently, I was committed to riding the insanity train, because go I did.
I'm pretty sure that I've lost some pounds during the last few days, so there's that. Ugh. Not the way one would like to do things, for sure. And, this is derailing my yoga obsession. Sadness. But, it does force me to come to terms with the absolute imperative that I be VIGILANT about taking care of myself.
My daughter and I had some frustrating conflict tonight about the usual six-year-old-antics-meets-tired-and-sick-and-cranky-single-mother stuff. At one point, I was lying in bed with her while she was crying and saying "I just want you to be happy, Mommy. I just want you to be happy." I tried explaining to her that no one can make Mommy happy but Mommy and that it's not her job to do that, but I think that might have been a bit too sophisticated for the six year old. I think maybe I was trying to say that to myself - I often find myself telling one or the other of my children something that I clearly mean to say to myself. It's an odd feeling. Anyway, I can't stand to let my kids go to sleep thinking that I am angry with them, so she and I whispered a conversation that end in smiles, kisses, and love and she closed those sweet little eyelids and I watched her sleep for about another 20 minutes and thought to myself how incredibly fortunate I am to have these two incredible, innocent, light-filled, awe-inspiring humans in my life and how much they watch me and look to me to see an example of how to be in the world and how I had better treat myself and them and everyone I meet with kindness and love and truth and compassion. And, then I watched her sweet sleeping face and listened to her precious breathing for about 20 more minutes and just cried a lot. (Side-note: I warned you that I am tedious when I am feeling sick/vulnerable. You can't say I didn't warn you.).
Whew. All of the feelingz. Right here. I plan to take care of myself tomorrow. I have arranged to hang out at home in the morning, easing into my day (after getting the kids to the bus stop on time! I CAN DO THIS). I'll teach three lessons in the afternoon, pick up the kids, head home for an evening of family time. If I'm not materially better, it will be off to the doctor on Friday for me.
More positive juju is in the works for the next blog post, I promise. Be gone, sickness. Get thee away.
Thanks for reading.
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