Radical Wednesday


Dear Reader:

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my longest days because they involve evening activities (kids' dance class and church choir).    When I get home, all I want to do is curl up in bed and be by myself.   But, I have to make myself get things ready for the next day and get those kiddos to bed.   So, I'm usually too tired to write a blog post on these days.

However...

I had an amazing day today - for NO GOOD REASON.   And, I really just needed to share that news.  If one looked at my day on paper or, frankly, even shadowed me on this day, one would be hard pressed to figure out why this day was amazing, but I'm going to try and explain.

First of all, it was grey, cold and rainy all day.  Strike one.  I took my car into the shop to get an oil change yesterday and found out all. of. the. things. were wrong with it and I had to leave it overnight and then hand the car place a check for $1500 today (after my original pick-up time was moved back three hours and the car place is a half hour away).  Strike two.   The county school system had a two hour delay causing me to have to cut my first class of the semester short because I had to take my kids to the bus stop.   Strike three.   I could go on.

But, for some reason, I just decided to roll with the punches today.   I laughed in the face of despair.   (OK, that was actually way too dramatic.  Ha, ha.   Laugh in the face of despair...).    I also had time, while sitting in the car shop waiting room, to finish up "Women, Food, and Desire:  Embrace Your Cravings, Make Peace with Food, Reclaim Your Body" by Alexandra Jamieson.   I found this to be a super-helpful read for someone with my particular body image and food relationship issues - which, I am coming to believe, are very much related to some emotional issues that I have with allowing myself to let go of the false sense of guilt and shame I have about some of my own needs, wants, and desires and the ways in which I try to suppress them or express them.  

In fact, I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now, as I've been tracking points on WW, but I've decided to do something RADICAL (for me).   I am going to quit WW.   I am going to quit reading articles about how to lose weight (like there's anything new under the sun that I don't already know about).   I am actually going to start detoxing, little by little, from social media.   (I'm already starting that by not posting this on FB).   I am going to continue to keep a food journal and write about how I feel before and after I make my food choices (no calories, no points).    I am going to ask myself some hard questions when I make decisions about food.   Why do I want to eat right now?   Is there something that I'm trying to avoid dealing with by eating?   Is there some other physical pleasure that I can substitute for this food?   Will this food make me feel the way I want to feel?  

Here's the deal, dear reader.   I am a smart girl.   I know what I need to do.   As Michael Pollan says, "Eat food, not too much, mostly plants."   Yep.   Seriously.   And, Be Active - in ways that I enjoy and that make me feel comfortable in my own skin.   I need to trust my body and my mind and my heart to tell me what I need and how I should get it.  I need to understand that I may trying to mask some deep emotional needs when I eat mindlessly.   I also need to believe that I can become more mindful and aware and kind to myself.   I need to believe that I am worth self-care, not just self-medication.

As I finished up a practice session on some Bach pieces today, I thought about how most of my problems in performance or practice come from not trusting myself, from somehow thinking that someone else can tell me how to do this better. When I don't trust myself, I don't take healthy risks.  I don't reach.   By trying to avoid failure, I actually fail more profoundly.

Here's how I want to feel in my body and my mind:

* Light
* Full of Ease
* Alert
* Comfortable
* Energized
* Desirable
* Attractive
* Loved
* Strong
* Powerful
* Joyful
* Aware
* Beautiful
* Open
* Connected

As Jamieson puts it, "When you get clear on how you want food to make you feel, then you can step into the space where eating becomes infused with deep pleasure and great meaning.   Because when you eat as an expression of self-awareness and self-care, eating becomes transformational:  it becomes fun, it becomes a source of a different kind of satisfaction, and it becomes a source of life-giving love....But food cannot provide emotional support; only other humans can do this.  It's so important for all of us to remind ourselves of this fact whenever we're hit with that existential hunger for human connection that stops all of us in our tracks more often than we're comfortable acknowledging.  Instead, we need to recognize when we are in the throes of uncomfortable emotions, and then, because we are not mistaking these complex feelings for physical hunger, we can make better food choices."

Yes.   That's it.  

Anyway, I'm feeling optimistic today.   And, I'm feeling like I should take care of myself because I am a good and worthy person.   It's OK for me to want to feel loved, desired, connected.   And, I can't control whether or not others make me feel that way, but I can, painstakingly, treat myself the way I wish/hope others will treat me.  With kindness and compassion and love.   So I'm saying goodbye to the points and the numbers and the diets.  I am going to try and rely on my own good common sense and knowledge.   I am going to try and take more time with making choices about food and exercise and listen to what my body, mind, and heart really want.  

Radical Wednesday, folks.

Thanks for reading.