Two Part Invention

Inspiration Overload

Dear Reader,

We made it! The holidays have been survived! Back to business! OK, that was an overuse of exclamation points, dear reader. But, it is good to be past that space in the year which is often simultaneously full of comfort and joy and darkness and isolation - metaphorically speaking (and sometimes, realistically speaking). I had a good time with 2 brothers and 1 niece and 3 nephews and 1 sister-in-law and 1 mother and 2 children of my own and 3 dogs and 1 cat and several fish during the past week. Ha. Aside from some impressive bruises and scratches sustained during a "spill" in front of the National Cathedral whilst looking up at the Rose Window and remaining oblivious to a stone step, I have only good feelings about being with my family. That's a really enviable thing, I am led to believe - from others' accounts. We celebrated my Mom's 80th birthday in style and, I think, created a "good time" for her - which was the point. I'll save my self-indulgent ramblings on how wonderful she is for another time. I think I've made it clear that, aside from giving me life, she has loved and supported me unconditionally and fully for a good, oh, I don't know, 43 1/2 years or so... Sniff. Anyway, I am grateful to have all the time that I have with her. It's also gratifying to see how much my children love her. That's pretty special. My kids and I were talking about things that our family is good at - recently. My daughter decided that being "lovey" was one of those things. Yeah. Probably.

Anyhoo, I will admit to being overwhelmed by the New Year's positivity and inspiration I've been seeing on social media lately. There's always a sort of desperate quality to the good intentions that surface at this time of year. Now, as I mentioned in my last post, I am ALL FOR GOOD INTENTIONS. Keep having them. EVERY DAY, people. EVERY DAY. But, don't do it because you are supposed to do it. Don't put on a suit of positivity to mask your struggle, you know what I mean? To continue the Parks and Recreation thread that I've got going recently, don't be Rob Lowe's character - who is AWESOME as a character, by the way. You know what I'm talking about. He breaks up with Ann Perkins, but is so positive about it that she doesn't even know that he's breaking up. He lets everyone else deliver the bad news.

I will admit that I sometimes (read: all the time) fall prey to the desperate optimism and cheerfulness and self-improvement syndrome. Just recently, I read this little meme on the internet:

And, I thought to myself. YEAH. YEAH. THAT. TOTALLY. And, I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside about it, and then my fusty, skeptical academic side surfaced and looked up the author and saw that the quote comes from a 20 something created website that specializes in quotes that help people recover from dramatic 20 something relationship breakups in the most cliché of ways, and I kind of laughed at myself, but still quietly said to myself (yeah. yeah. that. totally. I mean, I think. At least partially, right?).

Sidebar: This happens to me quite frequently, and I have come to view this as one of those things that makes me a "unique snowflake" (Ha, ha, ha- see, I'm making fun of myself again). The fact that I have a totally romantic, sappy, sentimental, cries-at-all-of-the-biggest-clichés side that often does battle with a logical, rational, academic, skeptical, intellectual, snarky, slightly obnoxious side.

So, here's a lovely sentiment from the darker side:

Ha, ha, ha. Anyway, dear reader, I digress. Actually, I'm not even sure that there was even anything to digress from, but... I am feeling some energy about my three goals for the next six months (1 - track WW points, 2 - get a good amount of sleep - use restorative yoga to help and 3- declutter and purge). My good intentions for tomorrow are to initiate the food tracking (my kids will be back in school and I will be getting back to a routine), power up the fitbit and take a walk on the Salt Trail in the morning, have a productive therapy appointment, write some letters of recommendation, and respond to some business e-mails. This seems doable. Regarding the sentiment above in a more serious light, I would like to avoid thinking of self-improvement during the next few months. It is such a Western cultural idea to constantly IMPROVE oneself. I want to start accepting and embracing myself. No improvement needed here.

But, I did have a friend ask me if I ever thought of having a theme word for the year. Now, this has always struck me as a little treacly-inspirational. I may have snarkily joked about a former college president who gave each graduating class such a word. But, as I mentioned before, despite my skepticism's best efforts, I still buy into some of these things. And, as I was about to dismiss this idea completely, the PERFECT word came to me. LIGHTNESS. LIGHTNESS, dear reader. I want my 2015 to center on the concept of LIGHTNESS. There's the obvious physical/metaphysical duality of the term. Come on, for someone who struggles with her weight, this is a powerful term. I don't want to be thin or skinny. I want to move with lightness. And, GEEZ, how about some emotional lightness. Boy, could I use that in my life right about now. I have really, really, really, really been struggling with letting go of some toxic thoughts and feelings. I want my relationships to have more lightness in them. I want to let the light shine in on my mind and heart in my professional and personal work. I want to empathize with my friends and the world more lightly - I don't want others' pain to be such a heavy load on my shoulders. That doesn't mean that I don't want to share with those in pain - I just don't want to take it on myself, if it is not necessary.

I named my daughter Lucy because that name means LIGHT. And, she is a light in my life - no doubt. I love light. Sunsets. Sunrises. Candles. Fireplaces. Stained glass. The moon. The sun. Stars. Light is so liberating. Light is so weightless. Light is always changing and has a myriad of qualities. Light is so - forgive me - illuminating! So, here are some pictures to urge me on: