Winter, Proust, Billy Joel and Hemp Seeds

Dear Reader:

I just wanted to make a statement with that title.   I'm not sure what that statement is, but expect each one of those things to show up in this blog post.

Just to get this out of the way, I would like to share, once again, that I am definitely and definitively NOT A WINTER PERSON.

You can talk to me all day about the benefits of coziness and hibernation and winter sports (believe me, people have) and I am still not going to be a winter person.   I know that I would not like living in a place that doesn't have any seasons, so I put up with it because of the euphoria that I feel in early spring, but seriously, there is a reason that Shakespeare mentions the "winter of our discontent."

It doesn't help, of course, that I am experiencing depression right now.   It may be a combination of a mild, pervasive dysthymia, seasonal affective disorder, and/or situationally based depression, but 5 or 6 days out of 7, I wake up sad.   There.  I said it.   I am doing my best to alleviate it.   I don't need advice about it, dear reader, but I am quite open to empathy/sympathy!  I am quite functional, really.   And, I've had enough experience with this before that I do not think it will go on forever.   It's possible that I will try some pharmaceutical help before too long if my other avenues of self-help do not bear fruit.   And, I don't plan to go on (ad nauseum) about this on this blog.   Just putting it out there as part of my list of things that are teaching me something about myself.   OK, just writing that makes me laugh a little, because I am clearly trying to put a positive spin on this.   I work really hard at that, don't I?

Anyhoo, I have made some good progress on the getting to bed by 10:30-11pm front lately.   It's kind of liberating, actually, to just leave a whole bunch of s#%t incomplete and just tumble into bed.   Things in my life or my house do not need to be in order for me to be able to sleep!

Speaking of houses (this is a little digression), I have found my dream house on the internet:

Isn't that FANTASTIC?  Look at the porch.  It's clearly in the mountains.   It's roomy and rambling. And probably doesn't have any neighbors too awfully close.   If I lived in that house, there would be two big dogs, at least three cats, and children playing soccer in the yard at all times.   Friends would be over every weekend having dinner (on the porch in summer) and making great conversation.   There would be a room with my piano in it at the back of the house with a giant picture window so that I could practice to my heart's content looking at the stream down at the bottom of the lawn (yes, darn it, there is a STREAM.).   In fact, the piano room is so big that I can have my violinist and cellist friends over on a regular basis to practice trios.   I'm almost crying about it. OK, not almost.  I'm actually crying a little.  I want this house.   Too bad I have no idea where it is.  Also, that's it's undeniably way out of my price range.   Sigh.   Dreaming...

OK, back to real life here.   And, real life ain't that bad really.  I watched the Library of Congress Gershwin Prize for Popular Song broadcast on PBS last night.  It was honoring Billy Joel.  And, oddly, although I have a SHOCKING lack of knowledge about popular music from any era, I LOVE BILLY JOEL.  I actually know all the words to most of his songs.   This is shocking, indeed, since I have an appalling inability to remember lyrics.  I loved this show.   His songs are good.  I mean, GOOD.   My brothers were into him in the 70's when I was a mere infant (yeah, born in '71).   He actually came to play in his "Piano Man" tour to the college where I grew up and where my father spent his career.   Around '76 or '77, I think?   I always like to point out that my senior recital was given on the same piano he played.   But, for some reason, I played tapes (yeah, actual cassette tapes) and CDs of his albums over and over and over again during the 80s and 90s.  Totally awesome.  "Vienna."  "Just the Way You Are."  "She's Always a Woman to Me."  "Allentown."  "Shameless." "New York State of Mind."  "Uptown Girl."  Of course, "Piano Man."  I could go on and on.  It was very cool to see how much the audience was joining in and singing the songs.   So, anyway, I think I'm going to download some mp3's and see if I can relive my attachment to these songs.  That's got to be a mood lifter, right?   :)

Also, I found this fantastic book:

I'm about halfway through this book and it is really resonating with me.   I've been doing some work in therapy about my reasons for having such an unhealthy relationship with food and an unhappy relationship with my body.   Good, solid, but kind of exhausting work.   And, this book is reinforcing and affirming some of that work.   It's all about listening to what one's body/mind/emotions are really asking.   It's about allowing oneself to be serious and committed to self-care and pleasure and to not feel shame about the things that you desire.   And, it contains a quote by Proust that I love:

"I raised to my lips a spoonful of the tea in which I had soaked a morsel of the cake.  No sooner had the warm liquid mixed with the crumbs touched my palate than a shudder ran through me and I stopped, intent upon the extraordinary thing that was happening to me.  An exquisite pleasure invaded my senses."

Yes.  That's right.  I want to create that kind of relationship with food.  Where I STOP.  Intent upon the extraordinary thing that is happening.   Exquisite pleasure?   I don't have enough of that in my life.  I'm too much on autopilot.  Too numb.  Too much avoidance and preoccupation.   Too much joy squelching for a variety of complicated reasons.   So, I'm trying to strip those things away.  Declutter.  Yoga helps me do this.   Becoming more mindful.  

I enjoyed these two meals today.   And, ate them slowly.

Always more chances for good choices, right?  

And, I've got a new smoothie recipe for breakfast (you wondered where the hemp seeds were going to come in, didn't you, dear reader?):

Frozen blueberries, almond butter, pumpkin seeds, chia seeds, hemp seeds, walnuts, Brazil nuts, banana, coconut oil, almond milk, water.

Very low glycemic index.   A good amount of protein.   I'm psyched.

Another positive step that I've taken:  I have carved out the possibility of time for three yoga classes a week.   I think this might help me survive the next few months.   Two are early morning classes that will allow me to get to work by 10am on Tuesdays and Thursdays - I'll be there bright and early on MWF (see, I said that because I felt guilty about coming in so late on T/Th, but really, folks, why should I feel guilty?  Why?  Why?).    One is a Sunday restorative yoga class and I'm already trying to get a regular babysitter for that one.   I am worth this commitment to the one of the few activities that lifts the sadness for a little while.

Things I am grateful for today:  1) happy, happy children and the certainty that we are a loving family.  2) The ability to continue to grow even in times when life seems heavy.  3) Music which lifts me out of myself.  4)  "Parks and Recreation" which makes me laugh.   5) Work which makes me think about other people and what I can do for them on a regular basis.   6) Fortune cookies that have this message:

If you are speaking well of me, dear reader, I thank you.   I also thank you for reading my ramblings.