Dear Reader:

Here it is Christmas Eve again.   I am writing this by the light of the Christmas tree in my living room.

I am re-reading, as I do every year on Christmas Eve, this poem:

Christmas Light

When everyone had gone
I sat in the library
With the small silent tree,
She and I alone.
How softly she shone!

And for the first time then
For the first time this year,
I felt reborn again,
I knew love's presence near.

Love distant, love detached
And strangely without weight,
Was with me in the night
When everyone had gone
And the garland of pure light
Stayed on, stayed on.

---May Sarton


The kids and I watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" tonight.   I think they are starting to understand the subtleties of that special a bit more.   I love watching their minds develop.   And, I really loved snuggling with them on the couch.   Even Presto got in on the action.  

Another year is waning.   There are lots of things that I haven't figured out yet about life, dear reader. Lots of things.   But, as Brené Brown puts it, I am starting to "love the mess" more!    I'm joining Oprah on Weight Watchers in the new year.  I mean, if Oprah is doing it, well, I've got to, right??  :)  And, as I mentioned, I'll be working with a nutritionist for three months to try and get myself recalibrated.   My exercise goals are simply to do it, even if it's a little, every day.   Remember when this was a weight loss blog?   Well, I may be getting back to that here in a little while.  I'm just going to let it evolve.  I may still need this blog to be my philosophical, spiritual sounding board for a while, too.

One things that I haven't figured out yet, dear reader, is why my hair has really changed on me in my mid-40's.   Yes, it is probably hormones, but it appears to me now that I have actually have my mother's hair.   So, I am now just about halfway actually transformed into my mother.   Ha, ha, ha.  Not such a bad thing.  Here's a picture of me (with a pretty typical expression that I apparently use in class all the time) pondering the intensified curliness of my mid-40s hair:

So, my year has had some emotional/psychological struggles.  But, it's also had some extraordinary beautiful and satisfying moments.  And, I have been present for those moments.  I am sure of a few things:

1)  I want to put myself in the way of beauty and kindness and compassion.   I want to work towards exemplifying those things and spreading those things in the world (some days it is REALLY hard work!).

2)  I want to be present in the moments of my life, not wishing them away or ignoring them in favor of some ridiculous rumination about why? or what? or how? or when?

3) I want to love and be loved.   I want to be ridiculous about it.  :)

So, there you go.   Those are my real New Year's resolutions.   I'll keep working on the weight and health and body image things.   

Here are two inspiring thoughts to keep me going on this journey:

For now, I am just going to sit, bathed in this Christmas tree light, and feel love for those two hearts beating upstairs and let this "garland of pure light" stay on...  

Peace and contentment to you, dear reader.   Merry Christmas!

Thanks for reading.