Dear Reader,

I have had a subtle shift in my thinking lately.   I think I have hit a point where I am ready to take some new paths in terms of my health and happiness journey.    And, the lightbulb moment for me was a realization that I need to not only be kind and compassionate to myself (like I usually am to others), but I actually need to be militant and aggressive about it.    Like maybe a little mean about it. I need to be the bad cop about my own self-regard, not my usual role of good cop.   In fact, this particular bad cop/good cop dichotomy became clear to me this week as I work with my piano students toward their recital performances in two weeks.   My modus operandi (as a piano teacher) two weeks out from a recital is get very serious with the students and emphasize how much freaking work needs to happen in the next week to be ready for this recital.   I basically tell these kids that I know they are capable of more than they are have shown me in the past few weeks.   Usually, this lights a fire under them.   Then, the week before the recital I get all Zen and "nice cop" on them and talk about enjoying the experience and "who cares about mistakes"....    This has been a pretty successful technique for me in most cases.   So, I think I need to try it on myself and all of my body image, weight, and weight loss, and attendant health issues.   A back and forth between bad cop and good cop.   Yin and Yang.

A couple of things have coalesced to make me feel this way.   First of all, dear reader, you know that I recently went through several months of therapy to try and illuminate some things about the way I react emotionally to life events and how that affects, among other things, my self-defeatist attitude toward weight loss.   I think this led to a greater intellectual understanding of some of my own self-imposed obstacles to emotional freedom and the hindrances I have to fully embracing my own life as it stands RIGHT NOW.   However, I grew tired (as I am prone to do) of talking, talking, and talking and thinking, thinking, thinking but not acting, acting, acting.   And, then I was feeling some pretty intense shame about not acting, acting, acting and moving forward.    I was a walking self-fulfilling prophecy.   I was thinking, among other things, "well, of course I'm perpetually single and no one is interested in getting to know me in reality rather than abstractly.  I'm not self-confident enough.  I'm depressed.  I'm no fun.  I clearly don't take care of myself.  I am, in short, unattractive."  Which on the face of it, is just totally ridiculous and I KNEW THIS INTELLECTUALLY.  Of course, I knew it.  But, I felt it.  And, no amount of knowing was going to convince me otherwise.   Even though I have always really enjoyed some parts of being single and have, in a sense, really chosen that path consciously and reasonably happily for the time being.

And, I was also telling myself that I just wasn't like other people and capable of living in physical health and losing the weight.  Just no drive.  Just no consistent energy to do it.   I just didn't care enough.   I was just too tired and stressed. And, I was/am struggling with depression, so the things that were holding me back from moving forward - the "albatrosses" around my neck - to use a literary metaphor - were easy for me to identify but, AND THIS IS KEY, very hard for me to feel emotionally ready to work around.   And, that was/is OK, because I wasn't ready to let some things go and move around these roadblocks or kick them to the side.   I just was not ready, damn it (here's the point in the blog post where I'll start cursing a little bit more, so bear with me.  It helps me express the intensity of my feelings in a very satisfying and fun way for me.  I know that not everyone receives it that way...).  Anyway, the semester from hell went into high gear and I was dealing with a fucking lot of conflict and drama at work and an overall atmosphere of fear and anger and bitterness in and out of which I would find myself sliding in a roller coaster kind of way.   And, I was sliding back into my rather hopeless and emotionally numbing behaviors of interacting with social media and food constantly to keep me from coming to terms with all of the yuck.  

But the yuck happens.  And, it will - likely - continue to happen no matter what life circumstances I find myself in.   So, you know, it might be better to find coping strategies better than the "I hope this stops someday soon" model.  

OK, anyway, that's all background to a moment a couple of days ago when I went shopping with my kids.   I stopped into a dress store, on a whim, and tried on this dress:

While in the dressing room, my kids were bouncing off of the walls and paying no attention to me.  I put on this dress and both of them stopped and looked at me and my son said "Wow, Mom.  You look great."   And, this was my first response (THIS IS IMPORTANT):  I almost involuntarily said - "I do, don't I?"   The way the dress fit was perfect.   It is the kind of dress that would fit beautifully if I was 20 lbs. heavier or 20 lbs. lighter.   It fit well.   In particular, it outlined my waist and my décolletage in a beautiful way.

So, that's great, but what happened next was not.   Almost immediately on the heels of that realization that was felt and known, I started picking out the flaws that I saw and starting tell myself that my stomach and my butt were too big and my arms too flabby and that I couldn't ever wear this out in public because I would look too obese and that I needed to hide my obesity so that people won't come face to face with the reality that I "can't" take care of myself, etc., etc.   I mean, it was ugly, folks.   I was saying really mean things to myself over and over.

My first instinct was to love myself.   My second instinct, which grew strong through repetition and negativity, was to berate myself.  

Well, I bought the dress.   Because I want the first instinct to win this battle, dear reader.   And, I think the beginning of the strategy for winning that battle is to aggressively and intensely tell myself frequently and ubiquitously how fucking amazing I am.  Because, no kidding, I AM.   All of this other self-talk is just bullshit.    Look at what I am doing well in life:   I am parenting two spectacularly happy children.   They are turning into wonderful human beings.   That alone wins me fucking amazing status.   But, let's not stop there:  I am doing my job and a half or two with grace and determination and grit and some seriously successful results.   I teach.  I perform.   I administrate.  I help other people do what they do well.  I am really and truly fucking amazing.   I am intellectually and emotionally rigorous.   I am thorough.   I am kind and generous.   I am funny.   I am empathetic.   I used to be afraid that all of this positive self-regard would make me arrogant.   But, let's face it.  That is really not my problem in life.   I see arrogance and selfishness on a regular basis in a variety of contexts.   This new brand of active self-love and self-compassion is NOT THAT.   But, I've been allowing myself to play small with regard to feeling completely engaged with life.   And, it has all centered on my weight and my health and my lack of emotional regulation.

I'm going to stop my tirade here for a minute and add this thought to the mix:

I am amazing AS IS.   If I never lost an ounce.  Still amazing.   If I gained 20 lbs.  Still amazing.  If I lost 15 lbs.  Still amazing.   AS IS.

Where do I go from here?   Well, I have decided to take a step.   I am going to do a 30 day Loving Kindness Challenge where I pick one of these affirmations a day for the next 30 days and repeat it to myself and think about it during the entirety of that day:

http://www.heatherkjones.com/favorites/how-to-overcome-fear-and-self-loathing

And, then I am going to work with a dietitian/nutritionist for three months using my Myers-Briggs profile to find strategies that work for me on this health journey.

I am an INFJ and the following things are important to me, according to this particular approach to weight loss and personal health:

• ‣  I am interested in new ideas that relate to people
  
• ‣  I am concerned with personal growth and development
  
• ‣  Harmonious relationships are very important to me
  
• ‣  I am conscious of people’s emotions and see potential in everyone
  
• ‣  I am an excellent communicator
  
• ‣  Friends would consider me idealistic, passionate, and optimistic
  
• ‣  I invest a lot of energy in my personal relationships
  
• ‣  I believe compassion and genuineness are essential for myself and others
  
• ‣  I think people should work together to achieve their goals
  
• ‣  I have a strong desire for peace and harmony
  
• ‣  It is important for me to find meaning in the way I use my time
  
• ‣  I’m good at negotiating and peacekeeping
  
• ‣  I don’t like working with people who don’t appreciate and encourage
  
• ‣  Identity and self-actualization are important to me
  ‣  I seek meaning and significance in my life

This pretty much sums me up ridiculously well.   So, I'm willing to get on board with what might work for me, in terms of weight loss, and what might not work for me.   Here's that info.:

• What Doesn‘t Work
• ‣  One size fits all approach
  
• ‣  Competition
  
• ‣  Criticism
  
• ‣  Reviewing detailed diet data
  
• ‣  Concentrating on just the body and weight

• What Works
• ‣  Holistic approach
• ‣  Buddy system and daily support
• ‣  Sharing: feelings, issues, ideas
• ‣  Weight loss groups and meetings
• ‣  Journaling and resourceful self-talk
• ‣  Self development 

The long and short of it all is that I plan to do the 30 day Self Kindness Challenge, and then I will work on losing weight and getting healthier because it is something that I want to do to fully engage with life and stop my gradual withdrawal into invisibility.    I am saying "YES" to taking care of myself.   And, I am going to replace that crazy, awful, mean, unkind voice that tells me I am not worth it.   I will bring in the boxing gloves if I have to.  One day at a time.    If I make a mistake in this process, I will not ruminate about it.  I will start ruminating on the various and sundry ways in which I am an incredibly lovely human being.

This is my intent.   Tomorrow's kindness mantra is:   "I am responsible for my thoughts and my life."

Wish me luck, dear reader!   

Thanks for reading.

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