Dear Reader:

Beginning of the day:  Waking up to snow was not my favorite thing in the world.   End of the day: After having written that last sentence, I just had to deal with a rare, but epic tantrum in my boy.   Kicking. Screaming.  Hitting.   Poor child just had no idea how to control those emotions.   And, geez, he is stubborn.   I'll spare you the brutal details, dear reader, but I am glad that he is back amongst the rational beings right now and appears to be drifting off to sleep with his sister tucked in beside him.  

So, Happy Thursday!   As anticipated, I do feel some anxiety about the things that I have not accomplished this week, although I also feel some pride about the things that I have accomplished.  

Here are my stats for today:

Total lbs. lost:  28 (yep, I gained two pounds this week.  Great.)
Total calories consumed:  1558
Total calories burned:  360 (one hour on the treadmill - yep, an hour.)

Brunch (here's where the calories really stacked up today):

Dinner (veggie pizza with thin crust - salad in a spring roll - still a great idea):

Also, I remain a fan of these chocolate covered strawberries (now newly in the frozen section at Kroger's - YAY!):  I had one package after lunch (60 calories!) and one after dinner (60 calories!):

So, in an effort to feel less fragile (those epic tantrums really take it out of me) and gather my thoughts, I am now going to post something pretty:

Also, here's another shot of pretty:

See, I feel more calm and collected already.   

So, in addition to the snow and the tantrum, there was some sunshine.  Perhaps, this winter will finally release its grip in the next couple of weeks.   Please?   

As you know, I try to make every effort to cultivate gratitude and joy and recognize the beauty in my own daily life.   And, I succeed an awful lot.  But, dear reader, there are just some days where I can't quite pull it together to see the sunshine and rainbows.  Today was one of those days.   It is not unexpected that I'm feeling a great deal of pressure about my upcoming recital.   And, today, I conflated that feeling of pressure with a whole bunch of other life pressures - which is rather predictable for me in this pre-recital phase.   I don't know if other people do this, but when I am really focused on getting a performance ready, I tend to become rather emotionally raw.  Sensitive to stimuli in a way that I am not usually sensitive - it's like I am becoming open to all of the stuff that's out there  swirling around in the atmosphere.   And, I suppose that this is a good thing, ultimately, in making my performance more intense and of the moment, but it does take a personal toll.   I definitely cried three times today.  Over stuff that would not make me even take notice, ordinarily.   

I will tell you that I am trying really hard to forgive myself for not making more progress on this weight loss front right now.   After all, I am single parenting.   I have an ambitious piano recital.   I have a job that requires A LOT from me.   I also have other jobs and financial pressures - lots of financial pressures.   I can only make progress on so many fronts at once.   Really, just holding steady to the weight loss and most of my healthy habits is a victory these past few weeks.   But, I find that "I'm not good enough" thinking creeping in a lot lately.   "I'm not good enough" to keep this weight loss going.   "I'm not good enough" to perform this recital the way that I want to.   "I'm not good enough" to keep my s#%t together and not fall apart every two hours today.    I actually read a blog post by a friend who has had some recent great weight loss success and felt depressed for myself about that (let me clarify that I am so, so, so happy for her - love you, M.!  You are a rock star!).   And, then, of course, the curse of the self-aware, highly self-monitoring person comes in because I then FEEL GUILT ABOUT HAVING THESE IRRATIONAL AND UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS.  Talk about a vicious cycle.   

I will say that reading this helped a bit this evening:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brittany-gibbons/i-am-entitled-to-body-hate_b_4855721.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

The take-away from this, for me, was "I'm flawed and I'm growing and I can't feel guilty when moments of body hate slip in there every now and then....I can only model how to bounce back enough that the love moments outnumber the hate moments."

Speaking of guilt and shame...

I will tell you, dear reader, a deep, dark secret (that will mean absolutely nothing to anyone who is not a pianist, but take my word for it - this admission is serious):

I am fighting a strong, strong urge to feel cripplingly (is that a word?) ashamed that I am planning to use music at this solo recital on Tuesday.   From an early, early age, it has been ingrained in me that pianists memorize everything for solo recitals (thanks a lot, Franz Liszt and the 19th century virtuosos).  And, I have.   I have memorized 5 doctoral recitals, two master's recitals, at least 10 recitals since grad school, countless, countless recitals in high school and college, three concerto performances with orchestra.   But, since I have had kids -  TWO - (SINGLE PARENT - in case you forgot, dear reader:)), I have given two solo recitals (one two years ago and this one) and I have decided to have the music there for both.   Here's my reasoning:   I want to play this music.  It's actually mostly memorized.  But, the performance anxiety that I feel necessitates me spending about 1000% more time on memorization than I actually have at this moment in my life.   Some very good pianists have been making this choice for a few years now and writing about it in keyboard journals.  But, the JUDGMENT is incredible.   INCREDIBLE.  I know that there will be about 5 people out there in my audience on Tuesday who will give a s^%t about this (sorry for the expletives, it's just been that kind of day).   And, yes, I'm pretty clear about who those five people are.   There will be a couple of comments from them after the recital.    But, listen.  Do I deny myself the pleasure of playing this music?  Do I deny people the pleasure of experiencing this music for, possibly, the first time?   Do I silence that part of myself that has something to say through this music?   Just because of a performance convention that was initiated, quite clearly, because the people who performed at that time were performing their own music or had 7 hours a day, 7 days a week to practice?  

I know a lot of really great pianists who no longer perform solo recitals because of this very concern. It makes me angry.   Because I want to hear them play.   Sometimes, the heavy burden of the "classical music" tradition is just ridiculous.   So, I'm going to be brave and play this music anyway.   But, I am going to feel vulnerable about this.  And, believe me, this music is hard enough - even without the memorization - for me to have many moments of musical and technical risk and to test the limits of my concentration and endurance.   By Tuesday, I will have gotten to a place where I'm just ready to give it my all and let it go.  I know this.  It's happened before.  But, I just felt as though I needed to get this written out on this blog.   To be honest about what's bothering me so that I can let the "love moments" outnumber every single other thing.    I will do this recital because I love this music.   Period.   

And, I am struggling with a seemingly endless winter and a seemingly endless weight loss plateau, but I REALLY, REALLY will keep at this.   If I fall off the wagon or gain two pounds like I did this week, I'll just get back up on the horse.   I am enough.   I am enough.   

Thanks for reading.