Dear Reader:

Slowly and carefully,  I am transitioning back into "head above water" status.   Not quite secure yet, but getting there.

Total calories consumed:  1362 (no pics today because I left my iPhone at home)
Total calories burned:  336 (hour long walk around campus - two loops)
No scale today.   I'm going to wait until Monday to get back onto the weekly weigh-ins.  And, this time it will be weekly and at the same time every week.   And, I'm going to try and just put it out there without judgment.    Trying to think long term and not put myself on this roller coaster of emotions every time my weight goes up or down or stays the same.

I feel like I'm beginning to get a handle on the state of my house and on the grading.   Still a long way to go to feel totally on top of things.  I think that this weekend of relatively few commitments may push me over the top into feeling capable again.   I do not want anyone to think that this means that I don't still want that team of people to come to my house and fix me, though.  Send them over.   I will welcome them with open arms!  

Speaking of feeling capable....I've been thinking a bit lately about how the way other people communicate what they think of you can affect the way that you think of yourself.   We are all told to not worry about what other people think.   Be yourself, etc.   But, I don't think that takes into account the complexity of the way our identities develop and evolve.   I think my identity, for instance, is still evolving at 42.   Perhaps I am more sure and/or confident of certain things about myself now than I was at, say, 20.  But, I am still capable of surprising myself.   That's a lovely thing, isn't it?   Also, for the record, maybe a scary thing?

So for an example - Today, I was chatting with my walking partner.   We were discussing different personality traits in him that I find fascinating, of which there are many.  So, naturally, I said - so, if you were going to describe me - how would you do it?   The words that came to his mind were "calm, stable - an anchor" - wow. Once I established that this is not an "anchor" in the sense of dragging someone down under water (HA!), I turned this thought over in my mind and realized that I have heard those kinds of words about myself before.   I think it is maybe that I tend to not get overwhelmed in tense or crisis situations or that I project a sort of unswerving "presence" when confronted with most situations, even when I am afraid - maybe more so when I feel a bit of fear about what the situation or the communication might be.  Maybe?   I don't know.  But, it was interesting to me that my first response to this "calm, stable anchor" description was a sort of disappointed feeling.    Like - here we go again - this is the same old - Lisa cast as funny, wise best friend character in the movie rather than the exciting, complicated leading lady - there are all sorts of connotative ripples to this that have to do with my weight, etc.    Which is ridiculous because who really wants to be so dramatic?   The best friend always seems to have the less anxious and fraught existence.   And, probably more fun.

So, here's the deal, though.  I have often noticed that when people seem fascinated with me or interested in me, I tend to find myself more interesting and fascinating.   Do I think this is just a desire for attention and a sad commentary on my own sense of self-worth?   Well, maybe a tiny bit, but mostly I think it has to do with surrounding oneself with people who are likely to make one feel good about oneself (by the way, I have come around after a couple of hours to really appreciating the calm stability comment!) because of their genuinely engaged interactions with you.    This is a terribly worn out cliché, but I think we really need to think carefully about who we let into the circle of people who get to have opinions about us that we will listen to or consider.    We don't live in isolation so we cannot expect to be perfectly self-actualized and able to construct our self-worth solely from our inner dialogue.   Other people and their opinions do matter and do help us construct our identities.  BUT, we can control who those other people are that get to influence us.   Am I right, dear reader?   Well, maybe I'm just rambling.

But, the bottom line of this rambling is that I think I've decided that I can be the "best friend" character and the the "leading lady" character at the SAME TIME.   That's just who I'll be, OK?   In this movie that is my life.   Also, let's remember that Juliette Binoche is playing me.    OK.  Thanks.

Hmm.  Maybe I'll be more profound and/or coherent on Monday.    I am assembling materials to start the newly revitalized healthy push forward on Monday.   Get excited.   Cue Rocky theme.    I think I'll have quite a bit of stuff to talk about on Monday.

Here's a pretty picture.  Just because.

Thanks for reading!