Dear Reader:

Here it is Monday, and we are scraping the bottom of January - the longest, coldest, darkest month (or at least it seems like it).   This is where that Shakespearean "winter of my discontent" stuff is for realz, dear reader.   I've actually felt awkward and out of sorts pretty much all day.   Do you ever have a day where you think - "I shouldn't have..." all day long?   Everything I did or thought seemed off today.   So, naturally, as a completely rational creature, I am going to blame all of this on the winter (shakes fist at sky).   But, you know me by now, dear reader.   I do try my hardest to turn things around on days like today.   So, I went to visit a friend who happens to have the cutest 9 month old on the planet and I enjoyed his snuggles, his freshly acquired clapping skills, and his spitting up all over me (just like the good old days!).    Babies cure everything.   That's a fact.

And, my friend is one of those rare and precious friends who is part of my council of people who understand me well, know how to ask me the right questions (or, rather, know how to get me to ask myself the right questions) when I struggle with something, and so obviously want what is best for me that I feel my awkwardness and out of sorts-ness just unfurl into peace and tranquillity and acceptance.   I highly recommend having such friends.   I am extraordinarily lucky to have 4 or 5 such people in my life.    

But back to the details.   Today, I ate a bit too much.   Here's the lowdown:

Total calories consumed:  1903
Total calories burned:  200 (30 minutes on the treadmill)
NO MORE POUNDS LOST OR GAINED.  UGH.

Breakfast:

Lunch at the caf:

That is sesame encrusted tofu beside the veggies and rice.  Actually, it was quite good.  And, then I had this:

Dinner (I shouldn't have eaten out - oh, I forgot, I wasn't going to keep beating myself up about shouldn't haves...):

Random note:  I think I love cheese a little too much for my own good.   OK, moving on.

Snacks:  Banana, 1/4 cup mixed nuts

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So, in my ongoing effort to combat the evil forces of winter, I stuck this lovely little poem into my arsenal when it arrived in my inbox (weekly poems from poetryfoundation.org):

Apple Blossoms 

One evening in winter

when nothing has been enough,

when the days are too short,

the nights too long

and cheerless, the secret

and docile buds of the apple




blossoms begin their quick


ascent to light. Night


after interminable night



the sugars pucker and swell


into green slips, green


silks. And just as you find



yourself at the end


of winter’s long, cold


rope, the blossoms open



like pink thimbles


and that black dollop


of shine called



bumblebee stumbles in.



Susan Kelly-DeWitt

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Now, isn't that lovely?  What I love about it is the implication that during difficult times (in this case, winter) things are going on just below the surface that we don't recognize that are full of growth and movement.   So, even though my scale is not moving downward this week (or last week, darn it!) there are things going on in my body that are getting me ready for the next step.   And, although my mind is uneasy and I am experiencing that "divine dissatisfaction" that I get occasionally (OK, frequently), there are spaces opening up in me to let in the new and the potential for growth.   

You know by now, dear reader, that these blog entries are not just about my weight loss or lack thereof, right?   This particular journey toward wellness and wholeness that I'm on right now is tied up with self-care and self-acceptance.   And, those are big and difficult things for me.  But, I do believe they are worth my time and effort.    Let me put that differently - I do believe that I am worth my time and effort.   I haven't always felt that way.   I have let other people cause me to hide my light.   It wasn't really them, though.  They had their own battles that they were fighting - battles that had nothing, really, to do with me.  It was me. I allowed it.  So, I'm working on not allowing that to happen anymore.   And, some days are better than others.    I know this quote has made it around the internet 100 gazillion times, but I still love it:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

And, if you are someone who doesn't like "God" language, you can always substitute "Love" which works just as well, I think.    

You remember from a post a while back that I don't like the words "self-discipline" and "willpower" because, for me, they are associated with shame and the negativity of failure.  Well, I've decided that there is a word that I love now:   discernment.

Let me give you some definitions here:   1) the ability to see and understand people, things, and situations clearly and intelligently; 2) the quality of being able grasp and comprehend what is obscure.

I always feel that there is some element of patience and mindfulness to the concept of discernment.   When I was in my 20's I used to try and discern things about a situation by grabbing it by the throat and shaking the truth out of it.   In my 30's, my discernment was clouded by all of the things that others expected from me (or, more accurately, what I thought they expected).  It's too soon to say what my 40's are bringing me in this area, except that I feel as though I am now allowing myself to sit a bit longer in the obscurity and to find the beauty in the process.   At least I hope so.

Now, dear reader, if you have made it to this point, you are likely hoping for all our sakes that the warm spring weather comes soon and all of this crazy self-reflection turns into more action and humor.   It's coming.   I promise.   In the meantime, keep warm and keep the lights burning.   

Thanks for reading.