I was going to skip tonight's blog post because, well, I just couldn't seem to process what happened to me this afternoon/evening and was tired of writing whiny, winter-is-depressing posts. However, I've decided to go ahead and see if writing this might actually help me process the way I was feeling this afternoon/evening and, maybe, help me sleep better tonight. I suspect it might.
Before we get into the emotional quagmire that is my crazy mind, let's review some good details of the day. While reviewing the good details, I plan to ignore the fact that I have just cleaned up a mess that is a burst water line out of my washing machine and will have to go back there and investigate the remote possibility of me ever finishing this current load of wash. I will also ignore the huge mess of cat vomit in my piano room. Also, I will ignore the fact that, even though I requested that I no longer have $400 taken out of my paycheck each month for a pre-tax dependent care reimbursement, my employer has, in fact, taken $400 out of my paycheck (tomorrow) for a pre-tax dependent care reimbursement. So, here we go - ignoring.
Good details:
1) I received word that several of my colleagues think I am worthy of a nomination for an honor on Tuesday.
2) I am down ONE MORE POUND. For a total of 26. That's movement, people. Movement. In the right direction.
Total calories consumed today: 1620
Total calories burned today: 330 (one hour walk around campus - twice - with a friend)
Breakfast:
Lunch:
Dinner: No pic: one cup of whole wheat spaghetti with 2 tablespoons of Parmesan cheese. Bowl of bananas and strawberries.
Snacks: 1/4 cup nuts, 15 pretzels, lime/salt popcorn (1 mini bag)
On to my meltdown of the day:
Clearly, I read too many articles on the internet. Particularly about parenting and weight/body image issues. For obvious reasons. But, yes, I am addicted to such articles in an unhealthy way. I know this. So, when I decided to click on this particular article about a woman who titled her article "What I Learned from Posting my weight on the internet" I was obviously following a personal interest/issue. The response that followed was a completely irrational and over-reactive response to this poor woman's point of view. She talked about revealing that she is at a weight that is about 45 lbs. less than I am now. And, she talked about how she pretty much feels like a totally repulsive person/monster at this weight. And how her adoring husband TELLS AND SHOWS HER EVERY @#$#@ING DAY how incredibly beautiful and attractive she is. (She went into great, great detail about this. Great Detail.). But, how she totally doesn't believe him. And, then she went on and talked about how she was trying to turn her self-image around - yada, yada, yada. Yeah, I just stopped reading at that point because I was in total UNREASONING RAGE mode. I realize how ironic this is given that the point of THIS WHOLE BLOG is about me dealing with my body image and self-acceptance issues. And, how I should be super-sympathetic and empathetic with this woman. And, I know that the numbers on the scale don't matter - it's how you feel about yourself. BUT, GEEZ, INTERNET LADY. STOP FLAUNTING YOUR TOTALLY REASONABLE WEIGHT AND ADORING SPOUSE IN MY FACE AND TALKING ABOUT BODY IMAGE ISSUES.
Clearly, I was irrational at this point. So, I'm angry at Internet Lady. And, I'm angry at myself for being angry at Internet Lady. And, I go to pick up my kids at preschool and can't find ONE MITTEN for one of my kids. So, naturally, I CRY FOR A HALF HOUR ABOUT THIS. A FULL HALF HOUR. ABOUT "THE MITTEN"!!!
OK, I'm calming down now. Even the remembrance of it still gets me going.
One more crazy item that I noticed about my reactions and self-talk today: I had a delightful walk with a friend this afternoon (as mentioned above - before the onslaught of internet-induced mania) and was telling him about this "honor" that I was nominated for... And, I actually said that I thought that the only reason I would get nominated for an honor like this was because I was so nice that people wanted to make me feel better about myself/my career/ my work. Not because I am fantastic at what I do. Not because I'm smart and talented and passionate about my work. No. Because I'm nice. And, it made me realize that I, in many ways, make myself invisible by the way in which I talk about (or don't talk about) my accomplishments. I am sometimes so ready to make others feel good about themselves that I try to downplay my own criticisms, reactions, accomplishments. I have really got to work on this. Seriously. Because I think that my weight and the way that I feel about my weight is just one more way in which I MAKE MYSELF INVISIBLE. Because to have the spotlight on me means that I open myself up to criticism and failure and rejection. What I am cheating myself out of here, however, is also opening myself up to success and joy.
OK. Writing this down has actually helped me. I'm not sure it's going to help anyone to read it, but who knows. I think I'll pull myself together and clean up the cat vomit and see if I can fix the water issue. And, I'll deal with the dependent care reimbursement tomorrow.
Also, my personal training appointment was cancelled last Friday due to weather. But, tomorrow morning, we are back on for the circuit training. This might be just what I need to rid myself of today's craziness. And, I think I'll take myself out to a movie on Saturday.
I hope, dear reader, that you have a lovely weekend. No more reading internet articles for me.
Thanks for reading.
I suspect that your field is like most others, including my little opera corner--people do not nominate you for stuff because you are nice. They might nominate you because you are a good colleague, or easy to work with, among other things, but that's different. THAT is a skill. And a valuable one. Think about that link you shared by the momastery lady about the teacher and her slips of paper every Friday. That's to help them become people like you, who care about others and about what they do. Some people scorn caring "too much," or some such crap. Screw that. Your friends love you because you do care so much, and occasionally lose it over a friggin' mitten and a C-L-E-A-R-L-Y annoying Internet Lady (although, yeah, you should cut that s^!+ off). OK, I will stop rambling, and call you when I am not on Central after-opera-rehearsal Time.
ReplyDeleteNow, this made me smile. And, also it's true. And, also I feel like we are back in grad school and have just finished a satisfying talk in the hallway of our apartment. Thanks, Em. Would love to have a phone call.
DeleteWhat Emily said. And about the internet lady- I get that completely. In fact, one online weight/body image thing I belong to won't let people post anything about actual numbers, because it so often produces this reaction: my goal weight may be someone else's "OH MY GOD I'M SO FAT" weight! ARRRRGGHH!
ReplyDeleteBut also know that in my experience, scale numbers are a weird, weird business. Weight hangs differently on everyone. When I was at my absolute thinnest as an adult, I weighed 138 pounds (at 5' 6"). My ribs and hip bones stuck out, I was barely eating anything at all, and more than one person expressed "concern" about my low weight. But by any standard measure, that was an allegedly "healthy" weight so I tried to maintain it. I'm more aware now that while that may be a healthy weight for some people my height, for me in particular that is crazy. I'm much healthier at 10 - 15 pounds above that, at a minimum, for sure.
Bottom line: You're amazing. You're doing great. You're my inspiration. Now get off the internet :)
Will do, M. Will do. I think I will not crack open a computer or phone or iPad at all on Saturday/Sunday. :) And, yes, I will tell you that at my PT workout/appointment this morning, I looked in the mirror and thought - "I look healthy and happy." So there, internet. Thanks!
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