Dear Reader:

Well, I said that I'd be honest on this blog.  Today was not good.   It was a travel day.   I felt myself sink into a funk that, if I'm really honest with myself, started about three days ago.   I gave up on myself during many moments of this day.   I felt that I wasn't really worth taking care of...  I know that sounds harsh, but I also really kind of think that these kind of feelings happen to everyone if they would admit it.   And, I'm admitting it.  

I went over my calorie limit on myfitnesspal.com by 972 calories.   Yes.  That's right.  And, I had no exercise.   But, the worst was this feeling I had of "Oh whatever.  It doesn't really matter anyway."  I don't like that feeling.  Obviously.   As I've said before, the numbers or the statistics are one thing, but the feeling of not caring is another.  

A friend sent me a link today to this parenting article, saying that he was sending it to me because he thinks I say all of the right things to my kids:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-macy-stafford/the-important-thing-about-yelling_b_4484027.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

This is a lovely article, but it does make it seem like this woman made a switch to the non-yelling, non-frustrated, super-caring and loving attitude and then things were great - happily ever after.   I generally agree with the article, but I have to say that it is hard work to keep in that mode of awareness and loving-kindness toward your children (and toward yourself).   And, I'm soooooooooooo not perfect in this area.  I don't generally yell, but I have allowed myself to lose it in frustration with my kids (which I don't think is a bad idea all the time) on many, many occasions.   And, lately, maybe more often than I am comfortable with, I get sarcastic and annoyed with them and feel bad with myself afterwards.   It's a daily struggle, dear reader.   It's not easy.  

Here's the thing.  I really want things to be easy.  EASY.  Isn't it a cliche?  Shouldn't my love for my children be easy?   Shouldn't my love for myself make it easy to take care of my body and my mental health?   Shouldn't my love for music make it easy to practice and perfect pieces?   Well, news flash.  Not easy.   Even though I want it to be.  Really, some days, I just want one thing to be easy.  Come on.  Throw me a bone here! :)

So, here's me on a day that I don't really like myself too much:

So, what to do about this state of affairs, dear reader?  Well, I have some thoughts.   Here's something that makes me feel a bit better - something that I've loved for years - The King's Singers version of "You are the New Day":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeuVBc76jas#t=165

And, here's this lovely project which makes me want to do something similar:
http://www.upworthy.com/you-take-zillions-of-photos-with-your-cellphone-why-not-try-something-new-with-them?c=ufb1

And, let me tell you about a few moments in my day that I can be grateful for:

1)

This is self-explanatory, right?

2) My daughter wanted to feed the cat and I told her to wait for me to do it and she didn't wait and this happened:

And, she was crying and telling me that she was so, so sorry and I told her to come over and get in my lap and I told her that it didn't matter at all and that Mommy made lots of messes and I was just so glad that she wanted to help me so much and that I loved her and that it was just a mess and we could always clean up messes.   And, she calmed right down and was carefree in a matter of a minute.  I'm proud of rising above my frustration in that moment and THEN:

Later in the evening when I was waiting for the kids to finish brushing their teeth to start story time, my son came into the room and saw me looking a little sad and said "Mommy, you've got to remember, we can always clean up the messes.  Don't worry."   Yes.  He really said that and I said,  "Yes, C., you are right.  We can ALWAYS CLEAN UP THE MESSES, can't we?"   And, it made me think of how I felt about today and how, well, I can always clean up this mess (me!) tomorrow, can't I?  

Anyway, dear reader.   I told you January is a doozie of a month.  Although I didn't expect it to be this  icky this early.   But, I will start tomorrow "fresh, with no mistakes in it" as Anne Shirley always said.    And, I really do believe that some days the choices and the difficulties are easier to handle.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  And, the encouraging comments that I hear from friends really do matter to me.  So, thank you for your patience, dear reader.   Tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks for reading.