Dear Reader:

Calories consumed:  1949 (not the greatest)
Calories burned:  178 (30 minutes on treadmill - great bang for my buck here.)

Breakfast:

Lunch:  I ate 2/3 of the chicken salad and a couple of potato chips off of my kids' plates:

Dinner:  no pic.   Baked Fish in a potato crust, broccoli, carrots, four pieces of pumpkin supreme pie.
Snacks:  nuts

Newsflash from Captain Obvious:  Exercise does improve your mental health.   The thirty minutes on the treadmill moved me from feeling super-crazy to much more manageable crazy.  That is PRICELESS.

Also, item of note for today:  A "demon" returned to plague my journey today.   I held him (well, it's got to be a him, right?) off with the exercise and by making "plans" (aka lists of things to do over which I have total control).  But, I could feel myself essentially giving in to the thought that none of this matters in the long run because of what I perceive as the enormity of the task.  I could FEEL IT, dear reader.   And, it was not a good feeling.

The day actually started off in the most wonderful way.   Sunshine!  Good Friends!  Time with my kids just ambling around looking at Christmas decorations.  I was a bit tired (didn't sleep well last night due to new place and re-entry into vacation mode (I never do this well.)), but generally in good spirits.  About 11am, I started thinking (i.e. obsessing) of a problem over which I HAVE NO CONTROL.  I don't, by the way, like having no control, but life does throw this at you all the time.  Thanks a lot, life.  Nice one.   So, I kept the obsessing somewhat in line during lunch, although I ate more than I really wanted to because I was not focusing on the eating (it was mindless, yet again).   I then visited a lovely friend whom I know in real life through professional circles, but know personally more through the virtual world of blogs and Facebook.   She and I have fairly radically different life experiences, and yet more in common and more shared personality characteristics than one could imagine.  Anyway, it was great to see her in real life and have her meet my kids.  LOVE.   She even gave me this Christmas present which is just what I needed at this moment:

And on the flip side:

One of the things I love about this friend is that she seems to recognize the fact that I am viewing this as one of the key "battles" of my life.   It's that important to me.  REALLY.   

So, I took a bit of a walk with her and enjoyed having conversations about the upcoming holidays and how we can deal with the danger zones of eating/exercising mindfully when there are others involved and the routine is upset.   But, as the afternoon wore on, I could feel myself returning to my problem(s) and as I was driving home, I felt a wave of melancholy just hit me.   It was physical.  Brain chemistry, what was that?   I stopped for dinner on the way home and could feel that tightening in my chest that I get when things just seem too much, too much, too much.   And, I ate too much at dinner.  Really.  I shouldn't have had those bites of pumpkin pie, but I just surrendered to the melancholy.  I actually came close to tears in the car with my kids in the back.

Here's where this story turns around, dear reader.   I basically called in the special forces (I can say that because I have a brother who actually WAS a green beret/special forces guy).   I got irritated at myself, the situation, my whininess, etc.   And, I decided to exercise although other voices were just telling me to climb into bed.  But, first I went to the piano and played through two movements of Ravel's Sonatine.   The caused the pressure in my chest to loosen enough so that I could get my kids through a bath, story time, and bed time.   This, my dear reader, is the real reason that I chose to play piano virtually ALL of my life.   Because when I am connected physically to a piano, I feel like everything will, in fact, be all right.  After the kids were in bed, I hit the treadmill and just put on some serious dance tracks and just moved.    And, now I'm writing this blog and creating a mental list (remember, lists give you the feeling that you have some control over something, right?) of what I'm going to do tomorrow:

1) Only get out of bed when my children make me.

2) Remain in pajamas all day.

3) Pack a picnic lunch and take the kids to the park (with the yellow twisty slide, as my son excitedly calls it).   Wear socially acceptable outerwear, but keep on pajamas.  Leave all electronic devices in car and push the kids on the swing as many times as they want.  Answer all of their "why" and "how" questions, don't mind if they get dirty and filthy.   JUST BE WITH THEM.

4) Treadmill - 45 min.

5) Strength Training - something.

6) Clean bedroom and at least half of living room.  Seriously.

Also, I have made a list of goals for the week:

1) Memorize 2/3 of Ravel Mvmt. 1

2) Shop vac the inside of the car.

3) Clean rest of living room and kids' room

4) Take stuff to library and goodwill.

5) Don't eat out AT ALL. Plan, shop, and cook simple healthy meals.

6) Play at least 4 games with the kids.   

7) Work on last movement of Schubert.

8) Keep calories under 1500 at least three times.

9) Wrap Christmas presents.

These are things that I can do.   And, I will.  Because I am, frankly, just annoyed now at my demons.  They need to STAY AWAY and not get in my way.

So, I'm coming out swinging in the next couple of days.  Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading.