Dear Reader:

I don't know if it is because I have completed the last thing that I have to be "on" for this semester or what, but I feel COMPLETELY drained of all emotional/social energy.   So drained that even sharing with you, dear reader, through the anonymity of the internet seems daunting.   I am likely to complete this post tonight by writing one sentence at a time, followed by blankly staring in space for about 2 minutes.

Sometimes, I forget how much of an introvert I am.   Although I have read that many, many performers are actually introverts, it does seem ironic that I have chosen a career in which I will regularly feel the gaze of an audience and/or a classroom full of students.  I remember when I announced to my parents that I planned to get a graduate degree in performance, they were both so concerned about the emotional toll it takes on me to put things out there for an audience.   But, of course, my love of the music actually did (I know it sounds like a cliché) outweigh the personal predilections.   I just couldn't imagine not spending my life at the piano with this beautiful music.  And so, I put myself out there.   Teaching, of course, is a bit easier because you are focused on the student and the subject content.   I realize that the thing that I feel most uncomfortable with in performance is the idea that people are focusing on me, me, me.  This is probably why I feel most comfortable on stage in collaboration with other musicians.  Sharing the spotlight is definitely for me.

And, when I have young students perform and I see those same feelings in them, I exude (probably unnoticed) soooooo much psychic energy wishing for them that they feel a sense of satisfaction with themselves when they play in front of others.   So, after performing at the cantata at church today and sending out all of the supportive energy I could muster for my young students this afternoon, I find myself rather in need of some replenishment.  I'm hopeful that sleep will do that trick.

I am rather intrigued by the fact that I seem to not enjoy having the spotlight on me and how that might (or might not) relate to the fact that being overweight has kept me, to some extent, invisible in some very particular cultural or relational ways (at least in my own mind).  This I think has some potential for me to explore in coming weeks.

But, on to the mundane.

Calories consumed:  1543 (pictures on my phone which was, of course, left somewhere this evening)
Calories burned:  275 (45 minutes on the treadmill)

Let's talk about the food that I did not eat today:

I avoided all of the crazy pastries/desserts/carb-laden brunch casseroles at the potluck after church.

I actually gave away a box of cookies that someone gave me this morning.

I successfully avoided eating anything except a clementine orange at the piano recital reception thereby eschewing cake, cookies, punch (ice cream), etc., etc..

These, my dear friends, are victories.  

However....

Dear reader, someone actually made me one of those nutella-stuffed, sea salt laden, chocolate chip cookies whose recipe has descended from heaven and been floating through Facebook lately.  And, dear reader, I'm not really sorry to say that this may be one item that is worth giving up all hope of a balanced and peaceful life.    Seriously, though, I was given two.  I only ate one.  I will save the other for a rainy day.   And, life without the occasional gift from heaven?   Not really OK with me.

Also, in the interest of full disclosure (really to myself), I was tagged in another picture on Facebook today that made me want to go hide in a closet.  I think I look so fat in the picture.  I can't seem to zero in on anything except my bare arm which looks too big.   Sigh.  Well, at least I didn't hide the pic.  And, everyone seems to be liking it.  Which apparently means it is not as much the scourge of the internet as I personally think.    This really is a long, hard road for me, but, hey, I'm still here.  I'm showing up on this blog in a way surprising to myself.   And, I think it is helping me.  And, apparently, I have now lost a total of 17 lbs.  This is so not shabby.

So there, crazy voice in my head.  You can't keep me down.  I think I'll go have another cathartic cry now.

Thanks for reading.

PS - I did, in fact, write this one sentence at a time.  In between each sentence, I wandered around my house with no apparent aim.  Is it Christmas break yet?