Dear Reader:

I forgot to tell you yesterday that I lost another pound!   11.4 lbs. in 31 days.   Not bad.   Maybe I can get to 15 lbs. lost by the end of December?   Seems like it could happen.

Today involved some stressful situations, and I ate more than I really wanted to....I was 74 calories over my goal calorie intake.  It would have been more, but I did do a pretty intense treadmill session for about 47 minutes.    And, afterwards, I looked like this:

Again, I'm getting used to looking at pictures of myself.   I like that I'm smiling in this one.  I mean, it's not really that bad.   Baby steps, people, baby steps.   Also, let's talk about the fact that I sweat.  It's not a genteel lady-like glistening.  No.  I SWEAT.   I accept this about myself.  It's kind of impressive, really.   At least everyone can tell that I'm working it.

I didn't get pics of breakfast and dinner (breakfast was my usual egg and toast,  dinner was hot wings and fries - yeah - not the best choice, although I did keep my portions fairly under control).

Lunch was this (take-out from the caf):

Not bad choices of food, but the portions are a little too big,  I think.

But, let's talk about stress for a minute or two, dear reader.   I would say that the holidays bring more than a usual amount of stress for me, given the increase in professional and personal activity that they entail.   Today, I actually almost cried in front of my boss because I was getting passionate about something that I really could have dialed down a bit...   That's when you know that you are "on edge" - when those tears come a little too easily.   And, of course, being a woman academic, I am extremely uncomfortable with showing what is unfortunately perceived as a gendered weakness - crying.  I did, in fact, pull it together.  But, my stress response has ALWAYS been food.   Wallowing in it.   So, hence, the issues of today.   Although, again, let me reiterate that I am now conscious of what is going on and am actually monitoring it much better than I would have in the past.  

It might not surprise you, dear reader, to know that I am a worrier.   Oh, I worry.  It is the most giant waste of time.  Really.   Here is a small list of the things that I worry about:

Big things:  How will my children be adversely affected by the lack of a father in their lives?   Will I be able to help them through an undergraduate college education without them going into debt?   Will I have enough money in retirement?   Will I get through the end of this month and be able to pay all of my bills and still have a couple of dollars left over for Christmas presents?  Will I be able to create a healthier lifestyle?  Will I be able to reach a place in my life and career where I don't have to work quite so many hours?   Will I be able to find the courage to take emotional risks within a relationship in the future?

Medium things:  Do I have enough time and mental space to really create an artistically satisfying performance in March at my solo recital?   Will I be able to mentally/emotionally survive not going on a vacation this summer because of financial concerns?   Will I ever be able to sleep in again?

Little things:  Will I get enough sleep tonight given that I'm still writing this blog post at 11:41pm?  Can I get the Christmas Concert program done tonight, given that I'm still writing this blog post at 11:41pm?    Will I have enough time during the day tomorrow to grade the theory homework from this past week?  Will I get the tree and decorations put up this week?

Just writing all that down makes me feel a bit ridiculous.  Because, honestly, I know that worrying about all of that is not going to do one bit of good.  

So, I'm going to take a deep breath.   There.  I did it.  And, I'm going to go to sleep.  Seriously.   And, I'm going to finish the Christmas program tomorrow.   And, I'm going to ask my Mom if she could send me cash rather than gift cards for an early Christmas present this year.   And, I'm going to dream about a beach vacation in 2015.   And, I'm going to rejoice at my last car payment this month.  And, I'm going to rejoice in my last student loan payment next month.   And, I'm going to really throw a mental party about the fact that I will be getting half of my paycheck back into my account after June of this year when my kids phase out of preschool and into free school.   And, I am going to realize that many, many, many, many people are not as lucky as I am to have a relatively foolproof guarantee of employment.  

And, I'm going to exercise tomorrow and the next day and the next day.   And, I'm going to eat delicious, healthy food.   And, I'm going to play beautiful music.   And, I'm going to read poetry.  And, I'm going to laugh at hilarious stuff on the internet.  And, I'm going to talk with my friends about life and love and books and TV and everything.

And, I'm going to stop writing now.   See how I turned that around.  So, sweet dreams, everyone.

Thanks for reading.