Dear Reader:

Do you realize that yesterday's post was my 50th?   How about that?   I expect some sort of anniversary present now.  Ha, ha.

But, seriously, I'm holding tight at the 17 lb. weight loss (I'm really, really ready to lose another pound or two - I need something to make me feel like some progress is continuing to be made) in under two months.  By any measure, that is successful.  I've got to focus on that rather than on the fact that I wish it was more.   I would LOVE to make it to the 20 lbs. lost mark by the time I return to classes in January.   And, I would love to have lost 30 lbs. by the time I reach my March recital.  

Full disclosure about today:   I almost totally lost my mind today.   I don't exactly know all that went into my mental breakdown, but it might have something to do with my endless worry about finances (single mother of twins here!!!), two more delayed payments for a recital and some Kindermusik classes, the excitement of Christmas causing my children to be in epic sibling rivalry mode (I seriously do not get this, given that my brothers are 10 and 12 years older than me and were never in a position to be around me long enough during my childhood for us to develop these tendencies), and my super worst parenting moment of the day when I actually LEFT. THE. HOUSE. AND. LOCKED. MYSELF. IN. THE. CAR.   Before you call social services,  I had no intention of actually leaving the children in harm's way and the sight of my daughter sobbing on the front porch actually broke my heart.   It all happened in, like, 10 minutes.   And, then I sent an SOS text to my friend/neighbor (who is a really, really good person) and went inside and listened to this to calm myself down:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZZ2NAF5wxE

At which point, my beautiful boy asked me if I was crying because I was sad or because the music was so beautiful.   This child.  No words.

After this drama, it was confirmed that my good friend would, indeed, relieve me that evening.  So, I packed up the kids and went to the mall for the first time in a year.  WHAT?  Yeah.  Poor judgment today.   I had this crazy idea that I needed to get my mom a Christmas present and that I should use the mall gift certificate that I got at my church job.   And, then, I ATE TWO BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.  The first one tasted great and felt good.  The second one was a reminder to me that, ultimately, eating my emotions is not going to make me feel good.  And, the only option for dinner (I'm not kidding) at the mall was a hot dog and fries.  Or a hot dog and cheetos.  So, a hot dog and fries it was.   UGH.  UGH.

Eventually, I returned home (with the gift and two extremely tired children).  My friend came over and I left to go pick up some groceries and walk around in the dark at Christmastime and regain my sense of humanity and normalcy.  It totally worked, dear reader.  Here are some pics:

Is it totally creepy that I took a picture of someone's window?  Don't answer that.

I also saw this little vintage pin in a shop window - totally my style...

Which brings me to my next point.  Why aren't young couples walking around at night at Christmas time in quaint little towns like this?  There was NO ONE out.  And, it SO calls for a romantic stroll.  I mean, I'm old and single and crazy.  Come on.  Oh well.  I still thought it was romantic.  :)

OK, I'm digressing.  I came home refreshed.  And, I did 45 minutes on the treadmill again.  Take that, cookies. (BTW, I blame this on that Elf on the Shelf...)  And, also, another friend has volunteered to hang out with my kids from 4:30-5:30ish tomorrow so that I can take an epic walk on campus.   Thanks, guys!

Here's my stats:

Calories consumed:  1776 (honestly, lower than I expected, but it's hard to calculate the cookie factor)
Calories burned:  283

Everything was fine at lunch/breakfast:

You don't want to see the stuff after that, trust me.

I've been reading a couple of other blogs about weight loss and weight issues.  One woman who has lost 170 lbs. posted this piece of honesty today:

Unfortunately, those negative internal messages are a constant in my life. I sometimes feel like an imposter because people can’t see what’s under the clothes. Women have learned to be quite deceptive in our use of fashion and make up to cover our perceived ills. It makes me sad that I can never wear a bikini, that there’s a sagging pouch of skin covering what I know are pretty strong abs, that I fear ever having to find a new romantic partner because I don’t think anyone would find me sexually attractive, and that any progress I make moves at a glacial pace.

What she said.   She's generally very positive on her blog and she really has come so far, so this was a big thing to admit.  I am quite sure that my feelings about my weight are related to my feeling, perhaps, somewhat unworthy of being loved in any way other than platonically.   Reader, don't send the self-esteem police in on me yet!  I'm just uttering something that I have fear about.  I want it "out there" rather than "in here."   You know what I mean?  And, I know that these thoughts and feelings don't define me.  So, I continue to work through them, dear reader.  

Tomorrow, I am almost 100% positive, will be a better day for me.   I can already feel the crazy receding.    I can do this.

Thanks for reading.