Dear Reader:

Today was another one of those sparkly days.  You know, where everything seems infinitely fascinating, and I've had enough sleep, and I don't have to do anything, really, other than grade and Christmas shop and create a music theory final.    So, here's a picture of me after my 30 minutes on the treadmill on a day in which I felt connected to my body and connected to the present moment:

So, starting to see some changes, right?  I felt like my body was feeling stronger today.  I actually had another appointment with my physical trainer and we did leg press, adductors/abductors, this new abdominal machine (I don't even know what it is called), chest press (again, ick, but I did OK), seated row, tricep extension.   I moved up some weight levels and/or changed seat settings.  And, I felt good during the whole session.    I talked with my trainer about an analogy that is really working for me about prioritizing myself in my busy life with many responsibilities.  You know how the flight attendants on flights tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping anyone else put theirs on? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.  This whole process of metanoia is exactly that for me.   Oh wait, you don't know what metanoia is?   Let me help:

Another few words about my feeling compelled to record all the ups and downs of my experience on this blog.  Occasionally, I wonder if it is wise to reveal so much of myself in writing (rather than in person with other, you know, actual people in, you know, real life).   It somehow seems too easy to not acknowledge with the people that I think/know might be reading the blog that I've actually said these things.   And, I am revealing some things here about myself that are not where I want them to be.  Bits of brokenness that (I'm convinced) we all share and connect through most profoundly, even if we are genuinely happy and emotionally stable people (which I believe that I am).   So, here's another lovely, lovely word for this concept of the beauty found in a person's "cracks":

So, when I reveal negative thoughts that I have - about my body image, for instance - I'm doing it so that I can confront all that I am feeling/thinking in a real way.   And, although I certainly understand the psychology behind wanting to have more constructive and positive thoughts, I am pretty clear at this point in my life that I do not want to feel ashamed of these "darker" thoughts or pretend as though they don't exist.   I think that in many ways, organized religions have promoted this idea of suppressing the negative (sin?) that one perceives in oneself and feeling ashamed, and I cannot get on board with the idea of never confronting some hard truths about myself or my relationships with others.  I want to understand who I am and what my motivations are as clearly as possible.  But, as I have mentioned before, my goal is not to dwell in those dark places (whether they be about my relationship with my body or my relationship with my children or my relationship with others).  So, anyway, all of this is some sort of explanation about why I talk about not liking pictures of myself or being hyper-critical of myself.   I think I am actually getting better at not giving these things as much weight (pun unintended, but I did stop for minute there to admire my accidental cleverness) as they might have had in the past when they remained unspoken or, should I say, unwritten.  

Maybe I didn't need to write all that, but I did.  So, anyway.   Today felt good.  Here are the stats:

Calories consumed:  1140
Calories consumed:  183, plus strength training

Here are some pics:

I also had a bacon biscuit for breakfast, along with an apple cinnamon muffin and coffee.

And, dear reader, I had this second installment of the most amazing cookie in the history of cookies:

Nutella Stuffed, Brown Buttered, Sea Salted, Chocolate Chip Cookie

And, against all odds, someone has put this confectionary delight on myfitnesspal.com and has calculated its calories:  278.   May I just say that this 278 calories was probably the most delicious 278 calories in existence for anybody today.   It was pretty much as close to one of the great pleasures in life (if you know what I mean...) as anything can get.   It was, in fact, a numinous experience.  Oh wait, need a little help there, too?:

Clearly, I liked this cookie.  And, I liked having a good day with some space and time around me to just BE.   And, read quotes on the internet like this one:

Which I think is the most romantic statement...Seriously, who would have thought that a writer who turns his characters into bugs would have that in him.   

I'm full of internet quotes tonight.   I'll leave you with this one and will strive to be calmer and less giddy in my next post.

Let's enjoy where we are, shall we, dear reader?

Thanks for reading.