Dear Reader:

I am having mixed feelings tonight.   Today was my children's fifth birthday party and it all went swimmingly.   I think the kids were thrilled with everything and everyone.  So, that makes me feel great.    Plus, I had one tiny square of birthday cake with a sliver of icing and no more.   In my book, that's a win.   Here are the stats:

Calories consumed:  1649
Calories burned (treadmill - 35 minutes):  190 (I can never figure out how they calculate calories burned on these things because they seem to vary from machine to machine...)

My weight fluctuated up a .4 lb.   I've decided that weekly weigh-ins really are better for my mental well-being.   I know that things will fluctuate up and down all the time.  

Here is a pic of breakfast:

A little honey on the toast which added only 60 calories.

Lunch was a crispy chicken sandwich with no condiments on my way back from picking up the kids' birthday cake.   And, then the world's smallest piece of birthday cake.

Dinner with my brother was this:

I may have had one or two bites of pizza crust from my kids' pizza.   Nonetheless, a major improvement from what I normally would have done.  And, I only used one of those dressing containers (oil and vinegar).

So, all in all - what could have been a dangerous day was pretty benign for me.

BUT....  You were waiting for this ever since that "mixed feelings" comment, weren't you?  

My brother took some pics of the kids' party which involved me handing the kids presents, etc.  Oh, how I HATED looking at those pictures.   I felt shame and wanted to avoid looking at them.   And, it got me to thinking about how I almost always hate looking at pictures of myself.   I only see flaws.
Why do I do that?

I believe myself to be a good parent, a good teacher, a good writer, a good friend, a good administrator, and a good pianist.   I even believe myself to have moments of greatness in all of these roles - balanced by moments of mediocrity, of course - but, overall, I'm good at all of these things.    And, I believe it.   I also believe I'm reasonably smart and a critical/rational thinker.  

However, I have NEVER thought myself beautiful or pretty or attractive.   No kidding.  NEVER.   Never deep down inside.   I've thought that certain outfits made me look better, etc., but only better than the blah that I have always assumed I looked on a regular basis.   I can imagine myself looking beautiful, but when faced with the mirror or the picture, I am always disappointed.  In fact (and I don't want to get all therapeutic on you here, but...), I have never believed myself attractive enough to be loved in a life-partner/romantic sort of way.  NEVER.  I can't imagine someone looking at me and feeling attraction.   Sigh.   I really need to figure this one out.   Because I need to believe myself beautiful.   I know that when I look at other people, I see their intelligence, kindness, and humor and that those things are inextricable from their physical selves.   I don't really see an amalgam of physical parts.  And also, how about the fact that this body allowed me to bring two babies to full-term pregnancy?  And, it allows me to play demanding piano works.  And, that my brain and heart are part of this body.   Come on, Lisa.  

Here's a picture that I took of myself tonight after getting off the treadmill this evening:

I know that this may take a lot longer than even the weight loss that I anticipate, but I WANT to find that girl RIGHT THERE AT THAT MOMENT beautiful.   I really, really do.   So, I'm going to work on it.  

Thanks for reading!