Dear Reader:

I feel back on track today.   Here are the stats:

Calories consumed:  1655
Calories burned (during a 30 minute treadmill session that I really, really did not want to do, but did anyway!):  183

Here's breakfast (can we take a moment to appreciate the light streaming across this pic?):

Lunch:

Dinner:

Snacks:  1 cup of Pirate Booty (natural cheese puffs),  1/2 cup of mixed nuts

So, back to this idea of self-discipline and willpower.   I will admit to not liking those terms.   They are loaded with connotations which, for me, are a reminder of what I "am not" rather than of what I "am."  Now, I'm going to probe a little further here, which is probably a bad idea at almost-11:30pm on a Saturday night, but here goes (keep in mind that my writing here is me working things out in real-time - the writing helps clarify it for me) --

When I think of challenges that I face in life, I prefer to imagine that what I need to face those challenges is actually inside me.   And, that my job is to keep non-helpful/harmful thoughts and feelings and, frankly - sometimes - people from outside of me from getting confused with the stuff that I need to use to face my challenges.   However, I don't think I should ignore those "other" things - negative thoughts,  hidden pain (small and large), toxic relationships.   To refuse to acknowledge them and put on a facade of confidence and optimism every moment seems to me to be false to who I am at any given moment.   I do sometimes feel ready to conquer the world and all my problems, but I also sometimes feel overwhelmed by what I perceive as my inadequacies.   The point is that both of those states of mind are not permanent.   They shift from day to day and week to week and year to year.   And, hopefully, the overall movement is toward the Light and not the Dark.    But, I've got to acknowledge the Dark and try to understand it before I can learn to cope with it.   I remember that I had a suite-mate in college that was perennially cheerful.   Nothing, and I mean nothing, could get this girl down.   She was always looking on the bright side.   But, here's the deal - I never really felt like I knew the real her.  Because I couldn't imagine that someone who was being authentic could actually be that positive all the time.    It is often when we are at our "darkest" (emotionally) that we connect most authentically with others, isn't it?   Because it is real.    When you are experiencing grief or struggle, the people you feel most comfortable around are those who are feeling or have felt the same way, right?   People who can sit quietly with you and not try to "fix" you.    

However, there is a difference between acknowledging the "dark" and choosing to dwell in it.   That's what my concern over "ruminating" is all about.  For instance, the fact that I think about my body as unattractive at times is a very negative thing.   I need to explore that feeling/thinking to understand where it is coming from.   But, I don't need to choose to dwell in that place.   I need to somehow be an outside observer of it for a little while before I can find a way to counteract those feelings with more positive and productive thoughts and actions.   And, I need to find the things within myself that will help my best self be carved out, both literally and metaphorically in this case!   

As Michelangelo said about his sculptures - "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it."   I do feel like there is a beautiful statue (of self-love and self-confidence) in me.   I just need to carve the rest of the stuff/marble away to discover it. 

So, the words that I use matter.  And, self-discipline is not a word that engenders this feeling of self-love for me.   Except when it is used in the following beautiful way:

"That’s the elegant secret to discipline: valuing your future self as highly as you value your current self, at least long enough to get your Right Now Self to do the right thing. That moment of choice is where the ants go one way and grasshoppers the other."  David Cain

So, he's saying that my future self is pretty much an awesome person.  And, I need to care about her.  So, self-discipline is about caring about that girl.   I can get on board with that - although I'd also like to care about my right now self, too.   I can also get on board with the idea of discipline as a practice or habit.   The spiritual disciplines of praying, fasting, reading are supposed to clarify things, right?  Because we do them over and over and over.   Like the writing of this blog - every day.   And, we all know that I like clarification.   Clarity is a beautiful thing.   

But, what if I thought about all of this as building up self-love, rather than self-discipline?   I am also pretty convinced that LOVE (with all caps) can be the answer to all issues...  When you don't know what to do, just love.   (I realize there are a gazillion different kinds of love - but, I'm talking about just remaining open-hearted and not being afraid - I call that a state of LOVE).


Because when I read this, it felt right to me:

"When you’re acting out of willpower, you’re making a plan in advance and sticking to it regardless of what’s happening in the present moment. You are disregarding your present-moment experience. 

When you’re acting out of self-care, you learn to be present in the moment, aware of your feelings and needs in real time. This allows you to cope with triggers in productive ways so you don’t need to self-soothe with food.

It’s the difference between saying to your kid, “Do it because I said so!” versus “Do it because xxx (real explanation).” When you’re approaching triggers in the present moment through willpower, you are saying to yourself, “Do it because you said you’d do it.” When you approach it though self-care, you’re saying to yourself, “What’s going on? What do you need?”

How you think about something matters enormously. When you think in terms of self-disclipline and willpower, you can fail. It’s diet-think. When you think in terms of freedom, self-love, and choice, it’s all good and it feels effortless."

Sheryl Canter

Yeah.  I'm buying her book.  

OK, so let me re-read this tomorrow and the next day and figure out what I'm actually saying here.   I realize that this was an abstract one...so, I really appreciate your patience and tolerance, dear reader.

Thanks for reading.