Dear reader:

I say "dear reader" because I love the novel "Jane Eyre" and Charlotte Bronte has a habit of addressing her readership this way as in - "Reader, I married him." -  and other such straightforward declarations.  And, also, because I'm assuming this blog may have one reader other than myself - Hi, Mom! - but, not much more than that...

So, I'm starting a blog.   I actually started a blog two years ago about parenting twins by myself, but I got busy parenting and forgot to blog.  So,  I guess I'm actually "reviving" a blog, to be perfectly accurate.

Why blog, you ask?   Well, I'll tell you why.   I'm in the midst of a journey toward good health by way of weight loss and improved self-care.   And, I'm stuck.  And, I need to have a record of how things felt yesterday or last week or whenever.  And, I need to be accountable to myself by being public in some way (blog-Lisa is not exactly real-life Lisa, obviously).  And because, at times, writing something down actually clarifies it for me.  And, because I might need a little encouragement or kick-in-the-pants sometimes.

So, here are the facts:

I went to the doctor in March and she told me what I already knew which was that I was at a weight level that was dangerous to my health in many ways.  I am pre-diabetic and at great risk for developing Type II Diabetes (family history is rife with Type II - and it's not even weight related in many cases - and I had gestational diabetes).   I had actually been avoiding going to the doctor knowing that I would have to hear those words.   But, I screwed up my courage and did it.   It was not pleasant.  I am a little more than 100 lbs. away from a healthy weight range.   I had already worked with a physical trainer for a few months (on and off) and had felt marginally less depressed about my outlook because I was incorporating some exercise into my life.   Some is better than none.   But, I was never able to move myself beyond feeling just sort of fatalistic about my eating habits.  I know all the things that I am supposed to do.   I've read many books on the subject.   But, when it came down to it, I just. did. not. do. it.   And, I haven't been doing it....

Fast forward to last week when I was having a conversation with my friend while out of town without the kids.   We were discussing my journey and why I was not able to break free from some of these unhealthy habits.   I told her, at one point in the conversation, that I thought that I "needed to be a better person to successfully lose weight."   I was actually shocked when those words came out of my mouth.   A. BETTER. PERSON.

STEP #1:

So, OK.  I've got me some issues.  Obviously.  I decided that I might need the help of a therapist to help me deal with this journey towards self-care and health.   I made the call to set up an appointment today.   I have experienced depression several times (or maybe I deal with it on a pervasive basis and sometimes it is better and sometimes it isn't - whatever), so I have talked with a therapist before.   I think that this weight gain/depression cycle is a chicken and egg situation and maybe dealing with it from every angle is a smart thing.

STEP #2:

I also joined myfitnesspal.com today to track my calorie intake, weight, exercise, etc.  It's FREE.  Which is important to me now because a major source of my stress is financially based at the moment.  Are we seeing the connections here?   Well, I am.  At least some of them.  I'm sure there are some that I'm not seeing right now.  Hence, the therapist.

STEP #3:

This blog.  Public.  Requires some bravery.  And accountability.  So, here's the deal.  I'm going to tell you how much I weigh.   I just weighed myself 15 minutes ago.   I really, really, really don't like doing this, but I AM GOING TO DO IT.  Right now.  I mean, in the next minute or two.   OK, OK.

243.7 lbs.

Crickets.

Yes, that's the same as two of some of my thinner friends.   It is a number that I feel SHAME about.  It is a number that is about where some doctors might recommend weight loss surgery.   It is a number that requires regular blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure testing.   It is a number that represents the metaphoric weight of my periodic depression, the loneliness of single parenting and the occasional desire for a life partner, the anxieties of a not-perfectly-recovering perfectionist.

But, I will tell you this.  It might also just as easily represent the 243.7 ways in which I have made someone laugh in the last month or so.   It could also just as easily represent the 243.7 degrees of awesomeness that are my good, good friends.   It might be the 243.7 more ways in which I found beauty in the world today.

So, after all, it is just a number.   And, I'd like to deal with the stuff that led to the number.   Here's what I have going for me:

1) A certain amount of courage on good days.
2) A desire to be honest with myself.
3) EXCELLENT friends.
4) A keen sense of humor.
5) A memory of past major accomplishments (parenting two fantastic children on my own, receiving a doctoral degree, tenure, performing a gazillion recitals (maybe not a gazillion) filled with beautiful, challenging, and artistic music,  making a difference in the lives of many students, being a good friend and colleague).
6) A habit of cultivating gratitude.
7) An ability to visualize myself succeeding at this.
8) A desire to enjoy my life MORE.

One more thing:  Obviously, losing 100 lbs. or more is an overwhelming goal that should take up to two years or so to really represent lasting change (see, I've read all the articles and books).   So, I'm starting with a goal of 5 lbs. by the end of November.  Doable.  I'm going to try and laser-focus on that particular goal for now.

I think that's enough of a blog entry for today.   I will tell you that most of my blog entries will be not so long, involved, and self-indulgent.   But, this one needed to be.   I am going to keep track of my eating and exercising data on this blog, as well as any weight loss.   I'm also going to be honest about my backslides and disappointments in the hopes that I will be able to see that the short term ups and downs are not as important as the long haul.   I'll try to be optimistic, but I will also keep it real.

Thanks for reading.